He's the One! Isn't He?

Imagine with me, if you can. You're an early 20 something with two small children, who has just left a "forced" marriage. You're all of a sudden alone, and scared and broke beyond belief. You find yourself living off the state and working two jobs just to get by. Your children's father is in and out and mostly out as far as finances go. One night, when all seems hopeless, a knight in steel-toed boots appears. He wants everything that you want. He's sweet, helpful, hard working. You bring him home to meet your children and they take to him faster than they've ever taken to anyone else before. He loves you. He loves your children. His family is amazing. They are a family, the likes of which you've never seen and certainly have never experienced first hand. He is definitely "the one". You are happier than you've ever been before. You see a future with him. The whole white picket fence, tea on the front porch, dinners with grandkids scene often comes to your mind. See it... Feel it...Touch it.

... and then the switch begins to flip. You start to feel alone again even though there is no true reason to feel this way. You have people around you who seem to care for you. But still... the loneliness creeps in.

This is the situation that I found myself in beginning 14 years ago. What do you do? I felt that maybe I was just being irrational. That I had brought this on myself. I made my bed and now I will just have to lie in it. I was too far in to get out, wasn't I? I felt lonely and trapped in a way that I cannot really explain. This amazing family was suddenly not what they had appeared to be to me. Were they just testing me? Seeing if I was worthy of their man? The utter turmoil inflicted on me by these people is truly beyond typed words. I went, almost literally overnight, from being a wonderful person, a person their man could finally settle with, to being a deceitful, conniving, abusive witch of a person trying to steal him from under them and seclude him from them. I was totally perplexed. Yes, I had made some mistakes. I was immature and young, still trying to find my way in the world while doing whatever I had to do to keep my children safe and on a thriving path. I am not oblivious to my own shortcomings. I will freely admit my flaws. However, do I think I deserved the treatment that I had received? Certainly, no person deserved that. But, I, surely I did deserve it. They are too wholesome and good of a family to treat anyone this way that had not asked for it. I cannot accurately relay the hostility that had been thrown at me.

Good thing my knight loved and cared for me so much that he was behind me every step of the way right? It would be natural and right to assume that this had happened. Of course, when a man meets his match, he would do whatever he needed to protect her person, name, and feelings. But, I am afraid to have to tell you, this was not the case. In the privacy of our home, he was one person and then when together with the others, he was quite a different person. This is probably when I should have known, you might say. When I look deep into my own self, I would say that I did know. I knew that this was not okay. I knew I deserved better. I knew that it would only get worse as the time went on. But as young people go, I ignored that inner voice yelling for me to get out while I still could. I convinced myself that it would get better. Other than this one thing, he was perfect and perfect for me and my children. My children had a bond with him that they did not have, at that time, with their biological father. I couldn't just take that away from them. What kind of mother would I be? Everything you do as a parent is with your children in mind. Now you will you say that I am justifying my choice and using my kids for that justification. You would be correct. That is exactly what I did. I would even say, that in some instances, I hid behind them. Yes, I should have known, I should have left. But, I didn't. I was too weak.

... to be continued