Healing

I am hurting a lot.

I just went through a bad breakup and it feels like my world is going to end. But it can’t. It cannot end. Life goes on. Sometimes it’s hard to think like that. Especially today.

I had been dating this boy for 11 months. Everything was great! Everything was perfect. But around my 21st birthday, that is when things went south. And I ignored them. I ignored everything because I thought he needed time. Now looking back at the situation, I wish I had spoken up and done something about it instead of just letting it build up. I wish I was there to help him get through his situation. But you can only do so much for a person. Sometimes, things have to be done by the individual.

And that is the thing that sucks about me. I wish I can take people’s pain away.

Today I woke up and checked my social media, and my ex deleted the pictures of us together. I thought he wasn’t going to because they had been up for a couple of days, but I was mistaken. Once I saw them that they were missing, I started hurting a lot. I thought I was going to be okay after talking to my friends, but I was not. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to do a lot of things, but I couldn’t.

I just needed time.

I am hurting because I thought he was the one, as cheesy as that may sound. I thought I was going to have a future with him. I thought many things.

I was wrong.

He told me he didn’t love me. He told me this breakup is for my own good. I wanted to be selfish and just have him for myself. But I had to let him go. I know he still loves me. I know he still cares about me. But I think it is better that we are not together. After my birthday, our relationship was not healthy. And it takes a lot of guts to say that.

I just visited my local Chick-fil-a where he works, and I was sad. I cried on my way there. I talked to one of the people in charge, and told them I couldn’t work anymore. I saw him. We said hi to each other. It was awkward.

And then I left. With a cup of water in my hand. I felt different. I wasn’t sad like I was when I walked in. Something had changed. I don’t know what it is, but it felt like a weight or something was lifted off my shoulders.

When I got home, I was smiling. Because even though I don’t know exactly what changed in that 10 min drive, I felt happy. Happy because I get to become the best version of myself. There is a lot of healing that needs to be done, but I can do it.

Life works in weird ways. I really don’t know why things happen the way they happen. But every situation has a lesson behind it. This one is going to be hard to digest. Emotions can cloud your judgment and right now, I am slowly getting to where I need to be. I know that in a couple days, I will be back to normal. Healing takes time, and I am going to take all the time I need. But in the meantime, I am going to enjoy what is around me because I am so lucky to be in the place I currently am.

I will be happy.