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Healing Heart

Thanks for the years. I'm finally moving on.

Hello,

I hope you have been well. I'm writing this letter which will never be sent for various reasons. 

I just wanted to let my thoughts down because I realized I have much to thank you for. 

Thank you for being patient with me, who has a discomfort surrounding physical intimacy. Thank you for taking your time to hold my hand and to hug me, and for always being understanding when I didn't want to kiss you goodbye.

Thank you for always taking the time to make food for me, and to buy groceries and snacks whenever you visit.

Thank you for being my first love, my first relationship, my first boyfriend.

But.. I had to break up with you. 

After being together for almost two years, I came to the realization that we were drifting into two different directions for the future, and I realized that you had been shutting yourself out of all opportunities in order to stay with me. 

You had begun to eat unhealthily after my influence, as my eating habits are not the best. You started drinking soda daily, even though you barely used to drink it before.

You had begun to "settle" in our relationship, not referring to settling down, but rather if the two of us were in disagreements, you would always let me win, which wasn't what was supposed to happen.

But... you lied to me.

You told me you were on track to graduate, when in actuality you had one year left of school because of failing classes and academic suspension. You asked me to help you continue to lie to your parents who were under the assumption that you were graduating and looking for full-time work. You asked me to lie to my parents about your delayed graduation, and my parents then started to look for full-time work for you, not realizing the truth.

You showed me a TED Talks clip on the reason why infidelity happens in a relationship, then proceeded to talk to me about this conversation you had with another girl when you first moved into your new place. 

You explained to me that you had begun to feel dead in the relationship, and not as excited anymore to spend precious moments together. You explained that you were beginning to not be physically attracted to me anymore. We had reached a point of comfort where nothing can fix it.

I felt betrayed, and the fact that you had constantly been mentioning ex-relationships in not-so-comfortable situations did not help. While I should have been jealous, I had taken that to be the norm, as it was my first relationship and I was learning from it.

I should have been more honest, but I felt that every time I tried to explain my feelings, that it was like talking to a wall because we weren't communicating properly. Not being able to feel comfortable expressing myself made my mental health take a turn for a worse, and I started shutting everyone out of my life who was trying to help me. I began to feel alone and scared about what I would do in the future. Then at the time when I was most vulnerable, you went away for one month to do a field study.

It was then when I discussed with my parents regarding my business I had started earlier in the year, and how it was gaining positive recognition, that I began to realize that maybe I needed a break to focus on my business and school, and find the time to meet friends who I had been ignoring for years.

I needed to be upfront with you about how the relationship was having a negative effect on my confidence, and mental health, but I was afraid of hurting you.

I was only 18 when we met, 19 when we started dating, and almost 21 when we broke up due to my mental health issues. I have no regrets because I met someone who has helped me regain my mental health, and he is someone I had been friends with, but once I had broken up with you and needed help healing, he was someone who was constantly there for me, offering support and help without me asking.

He is vastly different from you, I've come to realize. And I think that may be why things in this relationship are a bit different, as well. I hope that you don't hold yourself back from being happy, because as I said when I broke up with you, I'll still be here for you, even if you don't like it because spending two years with someone doesn't turn into dust overnight.

Eventually I'd like for you to meet who I'm currently dating because I think you would definitely approve. He is someone who calls me out when I'm doing something wrong, or making a wrong decision, and he'll explain to me everything he's thinking when I ask him one simple question. Even though he isn't fluent in English, he practiced English for months just to be able to converse normally with my family, and like me he's a huge movie and superhero movie fanatic. 

My first relationship with you defined who I was as a person, and I should have been more aware of what goes into a relationship, but since it was my first time I had thought of it differently. But thanks to you, I've realized the amount of work it takes to make a relationship work, and how much communication matters. 

I hope you meet a girl who has similar interests as you, because that was one thing that the both of us struggled with seeing that neither of us had anything in common. I hope you meet someone you can spend the rest of your life with, and I hope you become happy. 

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