Heart Break

If there’s one thing in this world I could ever ask for is your love once more. Even if it lasts for a night, I just want another taste of it. Without you, I am nothing, I am a shell of someone I forced myself to become. This confident boy you see is just a facade, without you. I hide behind it, so you don’t realize that not having you as mine is killing me. I act cocky, and like an asshole, because I’m ashamed of showing my real face. Ashamed of letting you see I’m crushed when you’re gone. What hurts the most is remembering how you used to look at me. During those quiet moments that we shared, just you and me, with no care in the world. The only thing that mattered to me in that moment was you.

Now that you’re gone, I can’t get you out of my head. I know I hurt you multiple times. I know I wasn’t that man you hoped I’d be. I messed up, I could’ve been with you, instead I ran off for a love that I could never get anywhere else. I can’t ask you to forgive me. I can’t ask for you to just jump back in my arms and tell me you love me. I’d wait around for days just to build up what we once had again. Deep down I miss it. I need it.

I never thought I’d ever have to tell someone I needed them. I always pull this lone wolf routine, and build up my shit. With you I didn’t have to do that. With you I felt as if I had the world. I would kill just to be able to look into those eyes like I used to. I know that won’t happen, but a boy can dream right? A boy could hope. Even if it’s not what he deserves.

You’re not gonna read this, I know even if I send it to you, you’ll look over it. I know if you read this you wouldn't like it at all. You’d look at me, and say it’s a lie. It’s not though, it’s 1:56 right now. If this was a lie I’d be asleep. I can’t sleep, and you know I haven’t been sleeping. Even when you think I’m asleep, I’m not. I just left my phone at home, and walked to this tower. I climb it, and look off into the distance, and watch the cars drive by.

People have it worse than me, because all I’ve been crying about is missing you. Thinking about never getting to experience another moment with you. That’s fine though. It really is. It’s what I deserve. I never deserved a second look from you, not even a text back. Yet here we are. Funny, as I’m writing this I’m just sitting on top of this tower, scribbling every word onto this paper. I have this gut feeling that the next time I see you in person it’ll only be small talk. Not the meet up, after not seeing you for so long, I want. I wish I could show you the pain I’m feeling, of not having you. Like last night, when you hung up, I cried. The silence after the ending call sound killed me.

My heart felt like it had dropped into my stomach, and was never coming back up. It feels like it’s on strike, and to win what it wants, it snaps a heart string each passing day. It doesn’t know how to function without you, that it tears itself apart. In exchange tearing me apart. I just want to hold you one more time, be able to fall asleep with you in my arms. Take you somewhere you’d love, and smile, that beautiful smile, a smile that could bring a man to tears. Which it has, because my heart plucking away at those heart strings is sending signals to my brain to put these images in my head. Those images are you smiling at another person the way you once smiled at me. Falling for that person harder than you could ever for me. Forgetting I even exist, the more that person makes you smile. Forgetting every moment we shared.

While I sit in my room making excuses not to leave it, because everything makes me think of you. The phantom smell of you always pops up. And every time I see a falling leaf I think about holding you on that bridge, watching the leaves fall into the river and float away. Watching everything I worried about fly out of my mind and you taking up the space. You are all that matters to me. All I want is you. I know you don’t believe that and it’s okay. I understand now. It’s over. My feeling for you are not leaving though. I am not over you. I don’t want to get over you. I want to be the reason you smile. I want you to be the first person I talk to, and the last every day. I want to wake up to that beautiful smile, with you in my arms. I want to feel happy. I want to smile. Only you can do that. Only you can bring out that real smile. Only you can shine a bright light into my dark world, and save me from myself. You do that with just that smile.