Heartbreak and Healing

Do you ever believe two people are written in the stars? That them coming together was fate or destiny? Well this is my story.

At eight years old I settled at my final school after being moved around almost every year. I struggled to make friends as I didn't know how long I would be there. That's when we first met.

At eight you don't understand what love is; it's your best pen or your favourite tv show. But I knew he was special. We were in different classes so I wouldn't have called us friends, however every time we passed in the hallways or in the lunch hall, I'd feel a warmth coming off him. He became my favourite tv show and my best pen and that one teddy I took to bed every night all at once.

Many years passed and we found ourselves in year seven. I was at a new school again, not knowing anybody. I just wanted to run home and cry. Walking into my tutor room on my first day I was so nervous, I tripped and fell. I held my eyes closed not wanting to face the embarrassment. Then I felt it. That warmth. I opened my eyes and saw the familiar dimples, his face danced with laughter but it wasn't a malicious laughter. It was almost comforting. I felt my face turn into a anxious smile and that is what I remember from my first day.

We were separated, he was always super intelligent and well I was just average. That's how I always felt compared to him. Just average. He had pools of chocolate brown for eyes, even at that bitter sweet age they were intoxicating. He gave off the aura of being superior, I was never going to be enough.

It was only in our teenage years we accepted our feelings, I did. We would lay in bed talking all night tangled in each other's arms. I couldn't imagine anything more perfect. Then my world came crashing down. She was perfect for him. She was prettier. She was more his level of perfection. I had to sit back everyday and watch her look at my world as if he was hers. I grew bitter. I grew to resent them both. We met up for one last time and I barely whispered, "even wearing armour I can still get hurt." Each day had become a battle. I refused to go to school just because I had to see him with her. How many times can someone have their heart torn up before it ceased to beat.

Days became longer and soon they became one. Before I knew it school was over, my body had become decorated in scars and my smile had become rare and sunken. I'd let the darkness overwhelm me and it was beginning to consume me. It was our prom. I hadn't booked my ticket, as far as I was concerned I wasn't going. Little did I know my friends had brought me one and my sister had got my dress. Turns out I was going. I spent days convincing myself it would be okay and it was worth going.

Prom was one of the best and worst nights of my life. I'd let him walk away. I spent the evening laughing with my friends. It was real happiness, the kind that makes your stomach ache from laughing too much or tears stream from your face. I danced, I sang, I smoked, I felt free. Free from his icy clutches. After one too many drinks, my friend and I found ourselves in the toilets taking one too many pictures. It was teenage bliss. It was the final song, the final dance, the last chance of us all being together before life took us down our different paths. I heard my name being called for pictures. One of my friends wanted a picture. A picture of me and him. I felt my heart stop. I'd never seen him in this light. I was walking towards my worst enemy and the love of my life. All the colour faded from the room, all of those beautiful colours. The only colour in the room became him.

Looking back at the picture now, you can see it. The whirlpool of emotions. The bitterness yet hopeless love. Our eyes were scanning the camera for an escape. Our smiles were fake and forced. You could almost see our demons perched on our shoulders. Mine too emotional, too raw. His emotionless, almost robotic. They were battling to embrace each other and become one.

Four years passed. I was happily engaged with a beautiful miracle on the way. I'd a miscarriage, another heartbreak. Then I was blessed with my rainbow baby. I was gifted a life to learn to live. She was sent from angels. I thought this was it, I thought this was my happily ever after. I thought I finally moved on and he had become just a memory.

Six months into my pregnancy I had just been out on a peaceful date, making the most of time we had to ourselves. I'd had an amazing night, eaten so much food I could barely walk. We were on the bus home when we decided to stop off in the high street, not wanting our night to end. We wandered around for a bit not really doing anything but enjoying each other's company. We waited for our bus, getting cold and bored now, I was left on my own to check the bus times. That's when my life changed again.

Getting off the bus was him. I prayed he hadn't noticed, I turned my back begging for him not to recognise me. It felt like seconds turned to hours. I felt a tap on my shoulder. I froze in fear. Regaining reality I turned slowly, I was met by those same chocolate eyes.