Heartbreak, Week One to Four...

Break-ups are awful, there's nothing to say to make you feel better right now however long it's been, but I can give you my take on the first four weeks right after it happens. You might be further along or it might not have happened yet but my experience of the process and how it has affected me has given me valuable insight, if it helps one person feel like they're not alone then that's enough for me.

(Disclaimer—my breakup decision was mutual, we lived together in a house we owned equally together and had the luxury of a separate bedroom situation.)

Week One

The pain of it actually happening can go (in my experience) two ways. It can be emotional or it can be factual and calm. Usually if it's one sided or unexpected then it's highly emotional due to the surprise, and calm because you've expected it for a while even if you don't want to admit it, you're both on the same page and one of you has just been brave enough to say it. Either way it hurts like nothing you've felt before. The one feeling I didn't expect to hit me so hard was fear. Devastated, sad, rejected, not good enough, hurt yes, but fear was the last thing I expected to take hold. When fear is mixed in with all the sadness and pain you expected to feel when losing the person you love you become more vulnerable to anger. Our breakup was mutual so I'd imagined the life I would probably have to live on my own many times when things got rough, I'd done it before so I'll do it again. Wrong. I felt completely unprepared for the fear of being along again once it actually happened. The reason for that was because when you go through heartbreak in the past you instantly forget the pain you felt because you're happy and even if you recall it for conversation purposes, it doesn't hurt like it did now you've healed. You're never prepared for that kind of pain however many times you've been through it and it knocks the wind from right under you.

You will cry, so hard. Sobbing becomes something you're excellent at and sometimes you won't even make a sound while you're doing it, just an attempt at gasping for air. Your head, neck and back will ache from the sobbing and from hanging your head so low for longer than usual, your body won't even feel hungry for days, just sick to your stomach constantly reliving the moment it happened and the things you both said. The day that you stop crying will come I promise, that day you can treat yourself with cake, as you'll probably have an appetite by then.

In this week all you can do is rely on the other people that still love you. Friends, family, colleagues, anyone that isn't them basically. They'll feed you, make you shower, and ensure that you don't drive or operate heavy machinery. The sign of you coming out of this phase is, dressing yourself in more than PJ's, wanting to go outside, showering every day not just when you notice you're a little whiffy and eating at least one meal (it won't be a normal size meal obvs, just more than a fork-full of rice) a day which is an improvement on not eating at all. If you're in this week right now then hold on, you will get dressed I promise—but take it from me, you probably should shower. At least the tears will mix with the water and you might not notice you're crying while you're in there. You can also forget sleeping for a while, you might drop off from sheer exhaustion but don't worry your brain will jolt you awake at 3, 4, and 5 am just to remind you of everything you wanted to forget so you can't sleep again for a good few days. I promise this gets better but unless you are a superhero with excellent mindfulness skills you're going to struggle to sleep this week.

Only discuss your anger with those closest to you, bitching about why things ended isn't good for anyone and you want to come out of this alive and not have your angry and very raw feelings posted all over facebook, then quickly deleted when you've moved past this stage. Save yourself the embarrassment, let it rip with loved ones that won't judge you and understand what you're going through, you'll thank me for it later if you're still feeling like you want to drag them through the mud. If you're not and have made this move already and regret it then an apology goes a long way...if you can't keep it in then write it down privately and you can reflect on it later.

Week Two

Even though you're getting dressed now you're probably still not putting an outfit you're proud of together. You won't care about how you look, it just won't matter, unless you're in the room with them of course, then you'll have made the effort to at least put mascara on and look less dead than the last time you saw them surrounded by snotty tissues on day one. None of the feelings of dread or fear have dissipated, they've just become normal which feel easier somehow. That anxious and nervous feeling you get when speaking in public or about to step onto a massive rollercoaster is there in your gut constantly and it's becoming exhausting. All of the thoughts about them being with other people, them dating, packing up your stuff up and finding somewhere else to live are all too much and are occupying your entire brain. You have already played out every conversation in your head about how and what they're saying about you with friends, loved ones, and colleagues but I'll let you into a secret, they're not talking about you. He's a guy, they don't discuss feelings the way we do, sure he's talking about it but not the way your head imagines. The people you think are discussing your breakup as gossip have their own problems and yes you might be mentioned but it won't be lengthy, it'll be chip shop chat, over before it's even started. This is the week to try and make an effort to deal in fact only, before you have a nervous breakdown just step back and think for a second before you see them run off into the distance with a hot blonde you were suspicious of months ago. It isn't happening unless someone had told you, you've seen it for yourself or there is photographic evidence of them snogging on facebook. FACT only, it's the hardest thing to do during week two but I promise dealing in facts will help your brain recover from all the unnecessary thoughts that are only further damaging your self-esteem. Call them out if you have to with friends, they'll tell you the truth. Another reason to keep your dignity through this, speculating and feeding your paranoia is the easiest way to look stupid. I did it many times with my best mates that were originally his friends, you just have to pick who you tell this stuff too, if you say it out-loud it helps to realise how farfetched the paranoia is and if it's not then they can help you gain perspective and get past it so you can sleep at night—well, sleep a little more than last week.

On a positive note, food is becoming easier to eat but this is the week you're going to get angry and frustrated at both yourself and them for all the failings and past argument memories keep coming at you. Plans do need to be made, new life admin has to happen and you have to decide if you can be civil or if you will basically hate each other until the house is sold or one of you moves out. You can just about muster the energy by now to begin to think about these decisions but the emotions are still running wild so it's super easy to snap and be cruel. If you feel yourself going to your dark place ready to launch your own verbal abuse then it's time to walk away from the argument or find something else to do as a distraction. You've been through enough with the paranoia and headaches from sobbing, you don't need another set of verbal abuse coming your way to create another set of scenarios for your brain to work with. Be sensible, listen to advice, get advice from a third party with an impartial view, just don't make these huge decisions on your own. You're not thinking 100 percent clearly yet, remember that you're still water, food, and sleep deprived so when it comes to finances and legalities of joint assets, week three and four can handle that shit. You don't want to make a decision based on anger and frustration or even desperation that you may come to regret or that could impact on your future. Just wait until the mist clears.

Begin to think about getting back to your routine, go to a gym class (not a heavy one—you haven't eaten enough) or a walk outside, see friends and enjoy their company, read a book, do something you love again. Once you bring back a little normality to your life your brain begins to trick you into feeling better, you might not like it but it's good for you. Just be on your guard though, you'll see or do something that triggers a memory about them and it'll feel like a stab wound and the nervous butterflies will be back with a vengeance. They will ease though and whatever just triggered you will be a milestone you've overcome, until the next time and the butterflies will lessen by like 0.00001 percent but lessen nonetheless.

Week Three

You're eating at least two meals a day now, putting make up on and your hair is presentable. You may have even had a couple of days in a row of not crying! You'll have a better routine, more people will know by now (hopefully you managed to keep your thoughts to yourself publicly so not absolutely everyone knows your business) and there will have been a conversation with a acquaintance that didn't result in you bursting into tears when the words 'are you ok?' come out of their mouths.

People in the street wouldn't assume by your appearance that you're falling apart inside so you're doing brilliantly by this point in comparison. Falling apart in my book is questioning your purpose, who you are, and what you want from life, as you suddenly only have yourself to worry about.

Realisation of how much adjusting this will take sets in this week. If he went away overnight for work I'd revel in it, watch whatever I wanted on TV, eat my bodyweight in chocolate and love the fact I had the bed to myself, sleep so much better alone almost enjoying the idea of a lie in and not waking up to an expectant hard-on pushing on my ass (I'm not a morning person, don't judge me). Now those exact luxuries are now more depressing just because of my relationship status and you find yourself helplessly staring at the TV wondering how this happened to you and you can't stop yourself thinking about that amazing sex you had that one morning back in blah blah blah. Now that you're single everything feels different, I don't have dependants in the form of children so he was my focus—and now he's not. You begin to miss them and their good bits, including the hard-on every morning. The good stuff just plays like a showreel in your mind and everything you know you've lost hurts even more. You'll cry a little again this week but it'll be more tears rolling down your face instead of sobbing and then luckily you'll argue about the house and remind yourself why you broke up in the first place and lose your shit with the selfish, ignorant bastard.

Week Four

This is the best week and worst week you'll have so far. You'll have 'made up' from the last fight and agree that you don't want to hate each other and fight all the time. You land in this limbo place that means you let him sit down on the bed after he comes home late from the pub, hold hands while you talk about how hard things are for you both, you'll recall some good times and laugh together and you feel strong enough to cry a little and let him know you're hurting too. Under no circumstances should you allow him to get under the covers into your bed while having this heart to heart, let him hug you to console you because you will eventually feel aforementioned hard-on because it'll have been a while for him (hopefully, and if he has slept with someone else then you're better off without the wanker). Yes you want to feel wanted again, you want to laugh and remember the affection but you're not together anymore and even if you can hold your nerve and not touch each other sexually the act of that affection will send you into a spiral after it's happened. I was fine until I allowed him under the covers and let my heart craving his affection and love again get the better of my brain. This one is up to you but if I could take this back I would, it messed with me just enough to question my decision, my happy memories were right there for me to see again and it's just not a good idea, so you've been warned. Being civil is not hugging under the covers and him kissing your forehead telling you how special you are and how he can't just turn off his attraction, as much as it feels like the best thing in the world, once you agree politely that he should sleep in his bed, you'll be sobbing into your pillow like week two again hoping he can't hear you from the other bedroom.

Depending on how your civil looks it's probably time to get a grip. If your civil is like mine then it's definitely time. You can look after yourself by now and you know you're just allowing yourself to mope about. You begin to see some positives and talking about it and how you feel is easier. People will have stopped checking in on you too so even they're subconsciously telling you to get your shit together. You'll feel mixed emotions towards the thought of being less important to people, but as I said in week two, people have their own lives, their own trauma and drama to deal with. Week four is the time to think positively. You will be fine, the house will sell, yes packing is a ball-ache but it'll get done and you will find somewhere else to live even if it's with your parents. You'll still have some paranoia but it'll be less dramatic and your logic and reason has retuned just enough to remind you that you're being irrational and logic will take over. There will be disagreements over finances, who gets what in the kitchen and just because one of you feels differently to the other that particular day but you'll get through it.

Focus on your dignity, how do you want to come out this? Not the bad guy that's for sure, you want to come out alive having acted kindly and honourably despite their childish behaviour, you'll want to look back and know you were the adult and have no regrets.

You will have been able to hold normal conversations and find yourself distracted more easily by this point, and you'll surprise yourself when you laugh, occasionally, don't over do it. You'll still find happy people annoying but it eases and you finally are OK with being bombarded by all those terrible articles that seem to be all about relationship advice on your timeline suddenly. Don't click on them or actually read any of them, the new algorithm will just put you into a never ending world of pain if you do, and it's all bollocks anyway so it won't help.

You'll be enjoying the weight loss by now, you'll decide that it's more a kick start as it's not exactly a healthy way to loose weight. You decide that making healthier choices is the way forward and the revenge body will absolutely help you feel better about the situation if you're smoking hot and he knows it.

You will finally begin to see the positives this week, they won't come easy but they'll surprise you every now and again and pop up like a light at the end of the tunnel. As a dear friend to me once said during all of this, 'this is just your Shawshank moment, you're crawling through a tunnel of shit right now but you will come out at the end and feel the rain on your face'. They were right, you know you're going to be ok by this point but you're just in the eye of the storm and can't see past whats right in front of you, be short-sighted think ahead now, it's time. Once you realise that the storm is created by your own mind and thoughts, you start looking for the escape tunnel, however long and shitty it might be there is an end but it's actually your beginning. You'll begin to think about what you want to achieve, new hobbies you might want to start, find more things to do with your girlfriends and just start to discover who you are. It's scary but it's necessary, you really can't love anyone else until you love yourself and theres no time like the present. Imagine the possibilities...

You got this.