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Heartsick

Fear of Love, or Being Worthy

I think my heart is sick… and I don’t mean in the classic term of being “heartsick.” I don’t miss someone, specifically, but the feelings that they used to awaken in me. I miss the feeling, of being connected, understood, and heard. There is a warmth in my heart that is gone since that love has left me. I believe that my heart is sick because it needs love.

I do believe that there are many forms of love, and I receive them. There is no lack of plutonic love from friends or the familial bonds of family, those bonds are strong, and will remain strong. The love that is missing in my heart, is a deep love that I still haven’t fully grasped, but merely got a taste. The true love of peering into your partner's soul, while making love, and seeing who they truly are the pure spirit they have. As a culture that has been lost.

In a world of technology, and everyone is “connected,” we are not. We no longer meet in person but swipe left because he isn’t chiseled, doesn’t have a strong jaw, or won’t take the perfect-couple-selfie. There is a hook-up culture, that I find lacking in love, where sex can be casual and people are DTF, with NSA. I believe sex is so much more than an activity to pass the time. Why do we have to know how good in bed someone is before we can date them? I challenge that thought; I think the sex is amazing when you find someone who you are truly connected with. There is no talent and skill when two souls, literally, merge into one. My heart is sick, and I am afraid I will never love like that again.

My heart needs that love, thirsts for that love, but in our world of immediate gratification, it has been lost. Not only have we lost sight of true growth and connection, but we don’t want to spend time with someone who is “broken.” I need love, I want love, but my brokenness is my baggage to carry. I need love, but my heart isn’t ready. I feel guilty that my heart is sick and needs more time to heal. I am afraid that I may never find that connection I so briefly had. I am afraid that my heart will shrivel and harden to the thought of ever finding that again.

I have met guys and I have enjoyed spending time with them and I look forward to creating a relationship with them. There is something specific that I need right now if I was to start a relationship with someone. I need them to be patient. I need them to understand that I have so many things going on inside of me, emotionally and spiritually that I may not be able to connect with them on the level that they want to right away.

I have put walls up around my heart. It wasn’t intentional. The heartbreak forced me to be cautious, mistrusting, and very guarded. It feels like I won’t be able to let someone get close to me again. I have no problem sharing what I’ve been through, or telling the stories of my life. I am not afraid of what they think of me. I’m more afraid that they can’t empathize with my healing pain and be patient and kind while I continue to heal.

Healing from the emotional pain of a long-term relationship ending is far more difficult than I could have imagined. The roots are very deep into my heart and are not easily pruned like they are during a short fling. I’ve been working on self-care and reading, learning, being open-minded. I am learning to love being alone. I do very much enjoy spending time with myself, but my heart still remains sick.