Hello, Divorce

I can't even begin to put my devastation into words on the day that my husband told me that he had fallen in love with another woman. During the "divorce" talk my ears started ringing. I could see his mouth moving, but I couldn't really react. It was almost like he was talking to me from far away. My heart was in my stomach and tears started falling from my eyes. When I was finally able to collect some emotions and thoughts all I could do was yell at him until my voice started to break and my throat hurt. What about our children? What about our home? What about this life that we struggled and worked so hard to build together? What happens to all of that?

I wish that someone could've prepared me for this stuff. The utter humiliation, the loneliness, the heartache. This was my first marriage, my first long-term and meaningful relationship. I loved him, I was IN LOVE with him. How could he do this to me? How could he do this to our children?

My mother raised my sister and I to be strong and independent, but I had forgotten how to be those things during my marriage. I relied so heavily on his support financially and emotionally that I forgot about me.

What saved my mind and kept me busy was my children. I found that my love for them was even greater than my love for him and me. I am actually a better and more attentive parent without him. I remembered that I can do anything by myself, that I don't need his support emotionally or financially because I have me. I am capable. I moved my children and myself into a nicer home in a better neighborhood, I bought furniture and food and toys for them all by myself.

At first I wanted him to come home. I thought that if I just gave him time that he would come around and regret his decision. I changed my looks and lost weight, but over the last few months I've realized that I don't want someone who doesn't want me for me. I don't want to be with someone who wears his heart on his sleeve and gives it away at the drop of a hat. I want loyalty, honesty, and trust.

I deserve so much better and if you're going through the same thing, so do you. Embrace the change, take charge of your life and move on. There is an upside to all of this, I promise. You'll see it for yourself when you begin to heal. It is not easy, I won't lie to you and tell you that it is. The road is rough and full of pot-holes, but you will be a better person for this struggle and the storm will pass.

"You are fearfully and wonderfully made." Don't ever forget that.