Hello World

For the first time in my life, I've decided to step out of the shadows. This is the most frightening experience of my life, next to giving birth, but that's a story for another time. I've always spent my time focusing on what I was told would be best and just doing what I was good at. I've given myself freely to my friends, family, and strangers, sometimes leaving nothing for myself. I spent the first 20 years of my life focused on education, so I could get a good paying job and provide a worry free life for myself. "Worry Free," HA! Seems like a joke now that I'm in my thirties.

When I was a child, I knew I wanted to help people. That's all I knew about what I wanted, so I'm learning. It was such a generic thought when I think about it now. I wanted to provide shelter for the homeless, donate to great causes, such as feeding the poor or saving the whales. I wanted to change the world. But... there's always a "but" isn't there.

A little about my life as a child. My parents split when I was three. Surprisingly, I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Maybe it was a traumatizing experience for a child. Maybe that's why I remember it so well, I'm not sure, but that's all I can offer on that. I watched my mother struggle with four children, all girls on top of that, but she gave everything she possibly could to take care of us. Walking to work because she didn't have a car, and working multiple jobs to provide food and shelter for her family. For me, her fighting for us was always enough. I don't believe I made it easy for her by any means, especially, being the baby of the four girls, but I know she worked hard and struggled lots to take care of us. She was a strong independent woman, a fighter. I don't know if she knows this, but she made her girls strong independent women. I'm grateful to have her in my life as one of best friends.

I wanted more for my life as an adult though, better even. I didn't want a man in my life who would leave their family so easily. I didn't want to count change to feed my family or have to tell my children, "we can't afford that." So I threw myself into my studies and put everything else on the side. My passions are singing and writing. I sang in church and wrote all the time, but for the most part, it was always on the back burner. I kept it all put away and only pulled it out when I had the extra time. It was not that often. I didn't hang out with a lot of people, didn't get in trouble, didn't have lots of friends, didn't go to social events, and always did what I was told.

I don't think I regret these decisions. They shaped me ultimately. I did what I set out to do in my studies. I learned so many things. I traveled with a show choir in high school. I was a student Ambassador during college. I received certifications in speaking and leading. I graduated with a Bachelor's of Science in Business Administration. I became a Certified Nursing Assistant. I studied Cosmetology, Accounting, Business, Finance, Criminal Justice, Biology, and Nursing. I even started my Master's in Professional Counseling. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do because I wanted it all. Knowledge is power, right? That eagerness to learn and gain knowledge hasn't changed in my adulthood. If I can learn it on my own, I will put the work in and research it until I understand.

I have a good job and make decent money, considering where I live. I have a nice home, a husband that I love more than I can describe, and a beautiful daughter that is the biggest blessing I've ever been given. I couldn't ask for more in the aspect of home and family. Even, my in-laws are so wonderful. I'm incredibly lucky when it comes to love and family. I don't say friends here because, to me, they are my family as well.

But (and there it is), I am not passionate about my career or my work, and find myself feeling more empty by the day. I'm proud of what the company I work for does for the world. They provide security world wide. It's incredible to see and be a part of, but in retrospect, I'm an accountant. I work in Finance. I do make time to donate time to help others and donate money to many causes that I feel are important. I donate blood often because I have a rare blood type. Even with all of that, it doesn't feel like enough. It feels like I'm only offering the bare minimum.

The past ten years have been so challenging. I survived so many obstacles, have been through so many struggles, have so many losses, and lived through so much pain. After life threatening health conditions, addictions, and depression taking over the past few years of my life, I'm not going to keep myself in the shadows too afraid to step out of my box anymore. Make no mistake, keeping myself to myself was out of fear and nothing else. I can admit that, now.

I'm done making excuses and feeling empty. I want to offer more to the world, help change lives, or at least offer my experiences to help others in theirs, help people know they aren't alone. I have so many experiences for someone my age. This is the truest statement I can say.

I haven't told anyone in my life that I have started this, story writing. I don't know that the people in my life are ready for my truths. I guess in reality, if this gets posted, they will no longer have a choice. I'm afraid, but I've decided to use it as fuel. Nothing easy is worth it, isn't that what they say? I don't want to be silent anymore. There's so much that we go through in life. Life is short and hard, I believe we can get through it with each other and our experiences.

I made a new years resolution to do the things I love, even if I'm scared to death of what will happen, what people might think, or failing in what I want to accomplish with this change. I started making funny videos because I like to make people laugh or smile. I've started sharing songs I love, and preparing for an audition to sing. I'm working on a new podcast with my sister. It's been in the works for a while, and moving slowly, but it will come together. Hearing myself talk is very strange. I started a public Instagram to share things I love, like shoes, love, and sayings.

I am by no means delusional. My stories will be real, based on experience, involve research, and some topics may be controversial. As a disclosure, I want to say first and foremost that I'm not a professional in anything. This is a personal choice to get out of my comfort zone and offer more to people. Nothing I talk about is meant to be mean or disrespectful by any means. I'm not here to tell you how to live or give advice, unless it's asked for. I am not biased or judgmental. I am accepting of people for who they are as a person and nothing more. I love everyone, even if I don't like some. My message will always be to love one another and treat each other as we would want to be treated or loved.

I'm doing this for two reasons. First, to offer experience in life situations to help others make better decisions for themselves and, hopefully, have others provide their experiences to help me in mine. You learn so much just by communicating with others. Believe me when I say, I can use all the help I can get in this thing called "life." Lastly, to give myself a fighting chance to not let fear control me or hide from it anymore, to get out of my comfort zone and actually do the things I'm passionate about, to help others. Fear aside now, I'm stepping out of my box and I hope you will join me for the ride.

Hello world, my name is Natalie Matheny and I'm stepping out of the shadows...