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Henry VIII's Letter to an Agony Aunt

Woe is The King.

By Chloe GilholyPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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I've been doing some short writing courses since last year and one piece of homework we've been given is to write is King Henry VIII's letter to an agony aunt. I've always been immersed in the Tudor Era like many other people so I felt it was right up my street.

Henry's Letter

My Dear Lady Wright,

I am in desperate need of your assistance. Wise men tell me of your talents in solving problems. The Duke of Suffolk told me great tales of how you cured the sick and funded the poor. Could you grant me some of your delightful talents? I see that your husband doesn’t have any mistresses since the birth of your children.

As you may have known, I’m having marital problems. Everyone seems to be letting me down. All I want in life an army of sons and a loving wife who will hold my hand through it all. Is that so much to ask for? I do not understand why God would punish me in such a cruel way?

All the lost sons and daughters. All the putrid plots hatched against me, some of them composed by own queens. I’m old and dying, but I think I’ve got a chance with Katherine Parr. I’m not the beast that everyone thinks I am—I know what they’re plotting. They’re trying to destroy the one thing I’ve been fighting to protect: the Tudor Dynasty.

I can do it—I know I can. Katherine Parr and I can have lots of sons to secure the dynasty. There’s still time. Is there a secret remedy to help me become young and beautiful again? Maybe there’s a way to bring Jane back into the world and then I can have more sons. Those wretched mares let me down, and my one true love is dead, and I am lonely in this world. Please, Lady Wright, your advice would be of most importance.

Henry The King

Lady Wright's Response

Your Majesty,

The Duke of Suffolk is most kind. He has been friends with my husband for such a long time. Yes, you are right: It is true that my husband has had a bad past, but he’s repented and seen the light. Perhaps you could use his story as a guide for salvation. As you’re the king, I cannot tell you what you can and cannot do. You can do whatever you wish. I cannot stop you from looking at other women or sleeping with other women, but think. Was it fair to execute poor Katherine Howard like you executed your second queen.

Everything you’ve asked for, you’ve already had—and lost. Mary’s siblings that never got to grow up. Elizabeth’s brothers who died before they were born. It was not their mother’s fault—yet, you still punished Katherine and Anne. The world is cruel, but we must rise above it with kindness, and that’s what makes the heart stronger.

Instead of asking God why he punishes you, you should thank him for his wonderful blessings. You have three children destined for great things and there’s your bastard children as well. You must come to terms with reality.

You are dying soon. Try to spend more time with your family before you go. Give them memories that will last a lifetime. I am not a witch, only a human – so I don’t have any remedies to make you young and beautiful again. Real beauty is found within, and if you can unleash that inner beauty, then you will be able to feel young again.

I’m sorry this letter was not to your expectations. Perhaps consider putting your daughters back in line to the throne? Although your daughters’ eyes make you rage, perhaps they will create a golden age. It would make up for all the bad things you’ve done to your wives.

If you wish to cut my head off, I’d understand. But I would advise against it. If you execute me, the finest agony aunt of all of England, well, there would be a rebellion. I hope you understand. You’ve always been kind to my household.

Your humble servant,

Lady Wright

satire
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About the Creator

Chloe Gilholy

Former healthcare worker and lab worker from Oxfordshire. Author of ten books including Drinking Poetry and Game of Mass Destruction. Travelled to over 20 countries.

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