Humans logo

Hesitation

How do I communicate to my partner?

By Lani PPublished 7 years ago 5 min read
Like

Today my favorite quote—or the most relevant—goes like this:

“I’m not the perfect girlfriend, I’ll yell at you, get jealous, be stubborn, over think, and get insecure. But I’ll love you better than anyone.”

I don’t know how I could relate to a quote so much. However, it’s already been a day since my SO finally moved back home after studying in the States. At first, I didn’t think it’d be a big deal or difficult.

However, it's been a day, and we haven’t messaged a whole lot. It’s just sending short lines here and there after every few hours…We never talked a lot during the day anyways, but I really wish we did.

Although I’ve been in a long distance relationship before, this one is the hardest so far. I’m worried that it’s going to be more complicated from now on. As I mentioned in my previous writing, communication is a big part of any relationship.

At this rate, I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive having this relationship. I fear that with the lack of exchanging messages, boredom will fill the gap between us and he’ll find interest elsewhere. For me, my interests will always be on him, because I love him. Lately, I’ve been thinking that I really want this to work, but at the same time, I’m so afraid that it won’t.

I’m afraid that the more I think about it, the more I want to run away from this. I’m scared of getting hurt. If it does come to that, I would really like it if we could take a step back together and restart as friends first. At this point, I feel that being just friends would help me clarify whether we can really push through as a couple. If not, then we saved ourselves from getting hurt.

I also know that relationships are about taking chances and risks. But because I’ve already been through it all, I’m frightened to continue going through it. How many more times do I have to let myself fall before I can stay standing? I’m thinking about asking him if we took this to fast. Would starting over and being friends first be a better idea? I’m not directly saying I want to break up with him—I really don’t want to—but because of my current fear and insecurities about our relationship, maybe it’s the best option?

I recently just got off the phone with him. It was a three-minute call..Part of me was glad to hear his voice, but another part of me wanted to break down and cry as soon I heard him.

I hesitated for a while when I saw the caller ID come across my screen. At first, I wasn’t sure if I should answer the call or not. However, I did pick up. He explained to me that he was curious about what it is I wanted to discuss.

He explained how his ex-girlfriend sent him the same message saying that they needed to discuss something important. She had wanted to break up with him. At that time, my heart kind of sunk down as I started to think about what I wanted to talk to him, the topic is a bit similar.

I couldn’t tell if he was worried or not—thinking that maybe I wanted to break up with him as well. He told me that if I was to say “I want to break up,” he wouldn't know what to do.

All I could do was say “Ah, I see” and give a nervous laugh. I told him it wasn’t that, but in reality, it’s pretty similar. I want to tell him that what I want to discuss is my fears about our relationship.

I want to tell him how I don’t want us to grow apart, now that we have such a long distance between us. I’m afraid of it happening. Having anxiety doesn’t help me solve any of this. I’m constantly thinking too much about all the negative things that could happen; he’ll lose interest in me, stop loving me, falling for someone else, or someday ignoring me.

I try to reassure myself that those things won’t happen, that he really cares about me. However, my mind takes over and makes it a big mess.

When I talk to him later this evening, I don’t know if I’ll be able to bring myself to talk about it. I feel like I might just cry. I’ve been crying every now and then all day today. I’m tired of it and of myself at this point.

He thinks I want to discuss something about the future, and while part of it is about the future—whether we should start over—I’m afraid I won’t be able to explain my feelings clearly.

I guess that’s why I decided to write this all down when I’m feeling like this. I miss the way I used to feel when we first started dating. Every now and then, when I forget and I feel less confident, I look back at a few of our first messages. It helps me to remember how I first started to like him and those message never fail to make me smile.

It makes me feel happy inside. I don’t know if I’ll get to tell him these things, but if I don’t, I will follow him with all my heart and depend on him a little more.

I will also trust and believe in him that he’ll take care of me. I’m scared, but because I want this to work out, I will endure it and I will continue to love him with all my heart. I can’t say that I’m not scared about the future—I really am—but if I can continue to have him by my side, I know I’ll get through it.

love
Like

About the Creator

Lani P

Aloha! My name is Lani and I am a university student here in Honolulu, Hawaii. I've always dreamed of writing and sharing my thoughts with others out there. I am still a beginner but I do hope you enjoy what I have to share.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.