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Hey, I'm Gay

The Coming out Experience, and How to React to It

By Will JacksonPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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I was lucky. When I came out, I never really had to say anything out loud. My mom just kind of figured it out. The conversation was... terribly awkward.

I had mentioned my girlfriend earlier that day, which had prompted my mother to start drinking. I wouldn't call my mom an alcoholic, but it might have been a tad bit excessive.

She brought the gay thing up later that night whilst I was trying to eat a bowl of egg drop soup (from a pack since I'm classy like that). I nearly burned my mouth in an attempt to get away from her uninterruptible rambling about walking in on her gay brother on his knees between another man's legs.

Since then, this conversation has become one that she and I can both laugh at. She's even begun referring to me as her 'rainbow child' in an attempt to show me that she's proud of my identity. I'm not about to tell her the full story though. I'm not going to sit her down and attempt to explain non-binary gender identity and asexuality. Not yet, at least.

So I was lucky. My parents are accepting of me, and I feel comfortable being myself around them. I even want to bring my girlfriend to their side of the state so that they can meet her and know that this is all not just a big phase and that I really am not straight.

But everyone’s experience is different, and that is incredibly important to remember. Not everyone jumps out of the closet with a poster that says “I’m Gay!” in rainbow letters. Quite a few people in the world can’t come out at all because they’ll lose their family because of it. So if someone does trust you with their orientation, here are some tips for handling it.

Tip number one: Don’t share it without their explicit permission.

Sexuality can be a very difficult for some people to face, especially when they are dealing with their own homophobia. That’s right, gay people can struggle with being homophobic. I know that growing up, I thought it was nasty and wrong and that I would never be like that. But I grew up and changed and realized who I was. If someone trusts you with their sexuality, be a friend to them and support them, but don’t share. This is between you and your friend and the whole world does not need to know.

Sharing can also put some people in danger, especially if they’re in an homophobic area or if their parents are homophobic. So please don’t share.

Tip number two: Please don’t make fun of the person who’s coming out.

There is a bit more flex with this tip. If the person is jumping out of a literal closet wearing a rainbow wig and asking “Guess who gets it up the butt?” then they probably want to be able to joke about it and are far more comfortable with it. But if your friend comes out to you seeking a bit of relief from forcing themselves to be someone else, then they’re gonna need some understanding. It’s a conversation and the jokes can come later when they’re comfortable making them as well. But until that time, take it seriously. It can make a world of difference.

Tip number three: Make sure you know that you support them and that it’s okay.

Going back to the internalized homophobia, many people deal with this. Some people need to know that it is okay to be themselves and that the things they’ve heard aren’t true. They don’t need to be the stereotype to be gay, they can just be. Being gay isn’t cookie cutter, like the flag it is a rainbow. There are many people in the community and none of them are the same. They can be themselves and still be gay.

Tip number four: If they say a sexuality that you haven’t heard of, it’s still real.

Pansexuality, Demisexuality, Grey-Ace, Asexuality, Non-binary, Agender, Genderfluid. They are real. If you make fun of your friend for using any of these terms or call them a special snowflake, you are going to hurt them. They are trusting you with something they really might not be sure of, don't spit in it. It'll end badly for both of you. Even if you need to ask what it means, don't deny them the right to define themselves the way that they want to be defined.

Tip number five: If you think your friend might be gay, don't push them to come out.

People come to terms with things in their own time. Pushing someone to come out could just push them back into the closet, which is something that you don't want. Let them be themselves before things go crazy, because even if it isn't a big deal to you, it's a huge deal to them. They get to pick where, when, who, and how. Not you. Don't steal their moment.

I'm sure there's more that I'm missing. I'm sure I could never list every possible thing you should expect if someone comes out to you. There's so much going on in my head every time I mention my girlfriend, even to a stranger. It's nerve wracking and terrifying but amazing because every day I get to be myself.

I guess I'll end by saying, the best thing you can do is be there. They might need to cry or laugh or just say it. You never know. Every coming out story is different, just do your best to make sure that theirs is a good one.

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About the Creator

Will Jackson

An asexual non-binary pal just trying to live their best life. Planning to go on the adventure of a lifetime just to hold on to some memories for a moment longer while singing and songwriting on the side.

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