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Hilarious Reasons I Stopped Dating Someone

A Glance Inside the Man Brain

By Aaron DennisPublished 5 years ago 6 min read
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You may see shades of Jerry Seinfeld...

... But these are all real instances wherein I stopped dating a person, because I just could not get past the quirks.

1. She would not take off her clothes.

I’m not talking about a stranger, someone I’ve only been out with once or twice, she was my “girlfriend.” At least, according to her, she was my girlfriend. I didn’t see it that way; we had been dating for three months, and I wanted some action. Until I've slept with a girl, we're just dating. After that, it's a different story.

I didn’t beg. I didn’t whine. I didn’t moan, and man did I want to moan, so after three months of deep kissing and heavy petting, I called it quits and moved on.

2. Her nipples were really long.

I’m not talking big nipples. I mean that they were long. Those knobs stuck out like over an inch from her tits. It was disconcerting for a number of reasons, the worst of which is the fact that I like gently biting nipples, but I didn’t want to put my mouth anywhere near those things; it made me feel like I was getting freaky with an alien… an alien with really long nipples.


3. She would not laugh.

Yeah, like in Scrubs when JD was dating that one girl who didn’t laugh. She just kept saying: “Oh, My God, that’s so funny.” I remember we were watching Beer Fest when I finally looked at her and said: “Ya’ know, ya’ can laugh, right?”

She gave me a dirty look. I didn’t care. I’m a funny guy, I think. My girl’s gotta’ laugh, even if it’s a pity laugh.

4. She couldn’t get off the pot.

No, not the toilet; her weed was too important. Look, I’m 420 friendly. I don’t mind someone who enjoys smoking a bowl now and again, but don’t ask me to meet you somewhere, show up 45 minutes late without answering your phone, and have as your excuse: “Oh, I smoked some weed, and zoned out for a minute.”

I ended up just ghosting on this one. I know some people are flakes, but I like my flakes made from corn. Oh, and I think pot breath is disgusting. I can get past it every once in a while, but fuck, carry some gum or something.

5. Supposably.

How do I even misspell that word correctly? I just don’t get it. The root word is suppose. Past tense is supposed. The adverb is supposedly. Besides, she had a phone. Phones have auto-correct. Didn’t she read her own texts? Or mine for that matter?

Some people like to call me a Grammar Nazi when I correct words or grammar, which I don’t do often. Nevertheless, I tell them I’m not a Grammar Nazi. I’m a Grammar Patriot.

Oh, yeah, so I broke up with her because she said supposably.

6. She turned to look at me every time something was funny.

I think we all know someone like this. My brother used to do it, too. I think he still might sometimes. I’d break up with him if I could, but you know, family and everything.

Anyway, I love funny shit, and I love laughing with someone, and sometimes there’s a reason to turn towards each other and establish eye contact, but not every single fracking time Chris Farley screams and falls down.

It’s like these people aren’t sure if it’s okay to laugh, like they need a queue from their leader, or permission, or something; like, maybe they’re not sure if something is actually funny, so they need someone else to take the lead. I don’t know. I don’t like it.

7. She stuck her tongue out of her head to eat.

Anything to do with food pisses me right the fuck off. Look, people, you don’t need to eject your tongue from your face like a lizard, and then place the spoon or food on your tongue, and then suck everything back inside like that alien from that one movie… Alien.

You can just open your mouth, place the utensil or food item beyond your teeth, and then shut your friggin’ trap.

8. She smacked her God Damned lips whenever she ate.

Sometimes, we eat something sticky or gnarly, like taffy, and we can’t help ourselves, but smacking her lips while eating chips? Chicken? Ice cream?!?! Why was she sucking on the insides of her cheeks every time she ate? What the Hell was going on in there? I couldn’t take it.

9. She disliked video games.

To not like something is different than disliking something. I’m all for a relationship wherein two people have different interests, and they don’t always mingle during those separate interests, but I can’t marry someone who gives me shit every time I pop Mario Kart into my N64. I mean, I can stay with someone who prefers doing something else, but I do not want to hear that grumbling and huffing bull shit when I want to relax with a video game. Gaming is a pretty big part of my life.

10. Her feet were smelly.

I’m not kidding. Her feet stank, yo’. One time, she put those smelly puppies in my lap while watching Hellraiser, and I thought, damn, I’d rather deal with a cenobite than these ugly ass feet. Actually, her feet were cute, but she was kind of a hippie, so she always wore those grungy ass leather sandals, which were turning black from all that dead skin, dirt, grime, and sweat.

I don’t know about ya’ll, but after I said to her: “Baby, your feet are smelly,” and she just giggled, I was out.

Look, I’m not the best guy in the world, so I’m not going to sit here, and defend my absurd behavior. I’m also sure that there have been plenty of times some girl broke up with me for something just as dumb. Hell, that supposably girl probably told all her friends she was glad to be rid of the Grammar Nazi. The hippie with the dirty feet probably told all her friends that her ex washed his hands 50 times a day, but here’s the deal—dating for fun is one thing; dating for marriage is another, and lately I’ve been asking myself, can I marry this chick? Can I put up with this nonsense for the rest of my life?

Usually, the answer is no, and unfortunately when the answer is yes, they dump me, but that’s life. Am I right?

Thanks for reading and be sure to tip me. I break up with people who don’t tip me.

breakups
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About the Creator

Aaron Dennis

Creator of the Lokians SciFi series, The Adventures of Larson and Garrett, The Dragon of Time series, and more.

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