His Lie and My Virginity

I have a voice.

You might not know who I am, you might not even care, but you might relate to what you’re about to read and if you do I want to let you know that you’re not alone.

I was fifteen when I was abused. But let’s not jump to it this quickly. Let me take you back to my summer of 2014. I met him, he was just a year older than me. He was “kinda cute”, is what I told myself “and he’s nice”. We talked for a week or so and he was everything I was looking for. I know what you’re thinking, “girl you’re only fifteen, what do you mean he was everything you were looking for?” This means I was growing up into a young lady and I was starting to get attracted to boys and he happened to be the one.

One afternoon my friends and I decided to go to the park down the street from my house to play volley ball and hang out. The other reason we went was to go see the boys, and he was going to be there. My stomach hurt, not the stomach ache hurt. The hurt that gives you chills and goosebumps, makes your stomach turn and gets you nervous. “Why am I nervous? He’s just a boy” I told myself while getting out of the car. I ignored the feeling and it went away after a while. We played volley ball and then he showed up. In a black tundra truck, he showed up in a black tundra truck, HE was driving! He was only 15 and driving. This was already a sign, why didn’t I see it!

I glanced at him and he looked and smiled at me. I quickly turn away and that feeling in my stomach came back. “Oh shit he saw me look at him! What do I do?!?” I turned and smiled at him back and he waved me over. He say “hey what’s up? You’re not going to say hi?”

“Hi “ I replied.

“Let’s go get a snow cone it’s just down the street.” He said.

I got in his car, because I felt like I trusted him. But why did I trust him I just met him? We ended up getting a snow cone and going back to the park. He told me he had fun and that he’ll see me later. Nothing happened.

Fast forward to four months later, we start “dating.” My birthday was coming up soon and he wanted to hang out. He wanted to do something special for me and sex wasn’t the 1st thing that ran through my mind.

I just turned fifteen. He takes me out to dinner at Olive Garden, I ate a salad there. We finished up and he took me to his house to watch a movie. He was Christian, his mom was such a religious lady and before she left us alone she told him “respect her in my house.” Even she knew her son was a hypocrite.

After she said that I got that feeling again, you know that feeling I mentioned in the beginning about my stomach. But it was 1000 times worse! It’s like I knew he was going to ask me this, he said “hey you’re really special to me and I know we’ve only been dating for a few months but I want to experience something special with you.”

Every single word that came out of his mouth gave me the worse pain in my stomach ever! I was slowly cramping up inside. What was a fifteen year old girl going to do? Fight? Run? Cry? Call 911? I replied with,

“Wow I didn’t think you’d ask me this but I’m saving that moment for someone who is a virgin,” and then I chuckled after that. I really WAS saving the moment for someone special, and for someone who hasn’t experienced it with someone else.

“Why would you think I’m not virgin? I’ve never had sex before.”

I’m so stupid for considering it and those words convinced me. Yeah, we did it. I fucked up really bad, really really bad. Why did I do it? You don’t just give up your virginity up like that! Why the fuck did you do it! You’re retarded you’re Stupid! I fought with myself for months straight, I wasn’t myself anymore. I could tell, my teachers could tell, my parents could tell, my siblings could tell.

This isn’t the worst part of the story yet.

A year passed and me and him got into a little conflict. He FaceTimed me while I was doing homework.

“Hey babe, what’s up?” I said.

“I need to tell you something.” He instantly said.

You know when you hear those words you just feel scared? Well I felt really really scared.

“What happened?” I said casually.

“I lied to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“I just lied to you.”

“About what?”

“Remember on your birthday that talk that we had?”

“The talk about what we were going to do?”

“Yeah that talk” he said in a low voice.

“What about it babe?” I said acting like it didn’t matter anymore.

“I told you you were going to be my first. I told you I was a virgin.”

As he began with those words I started laughing. “Babe shut up stop playing with me.”

“I’m serious, I lied to you that night. I didn’t think we were going to last this long. I didn’t think I was going to fall in love with you. You’re the most amazing girl in the world, you have a future, you care about your family and me! I just wanted you to have sex but I didn’t think I was actually going to fall in love with you.” But there were a set of words that stuck to my brain and couldn’t stop replaying.

I just wanted you to have sex.

I JUST WANTED YOU TO HAVE SEX.

TO HAVE SEX, I JUST WANTED YOU, FOR SEX, TO HAVE SEX. I JUST WANTED TO YOU HAVE SEX.

He didn’t want me for me! He didn’t want me for my personality, for my looks, for my companionship! He wanted my body!

There was a long pause after that, everything that he just told me gave me a flashback. I fought with myself constantly about doing something I wasn’t suppose to until I was older. Now knowing he just used me, abused my body, my trust, my youth. I was a little girl, I’m so stupid. I was a stupid little girl. I finished the conversation with a “I have to finish my homework now.” And he replied with “okay call me when you’re done.”

I never called him after that.

I cried and cried for two months every night in my bed while everything kept replaying in my head. My eyes were puffy everyday and I just told my parents and friends I had allergies. I kept everything inside to this day, January 20th 2018. I’m not going to lie, I’m still kind of hurt. I’m 18 now and I need to let go of what’s holding me back and even though this is never going to leave my head, I will never let this break my own self love.