Hitting Rock Bottom

Self-Reflection, Anger, and Sadness

Three months ago I set out on a journey. I started a "Self-Love" challenge that I was optimistic in beginning, and found myself hopeful for a great end to 2018. The journey was not at all as I expected. The day after publishing my "30 Day Challenge," my boyfriend and I got into one of the only, and worst, fights we had in three years. This resulted in me moving out and back home.

It took everything in me, including all of my pride, to pack up all my things and move back across the country to a place I once called home. When I returned I was broken. I was a shell of the person I used to be and I could no longer pretend to be okay because home didn't feel like home any more. For weeks, I couldn't eat because nothing tasted good, I couldn't sleep because I was having nightmares, I stopped doing the things I loved because the things I loved didn't make me happy any more. Hours felt like days, and days felt like weeks. Time moved so slow and I felt so alone. A cloud had positioned itself over my head and I couldn't find the light in any day, everything was just dark. I had no money, no job, all of my friends had long moved away from my hometown, and my boyfriend and I were not on good terms. It felt like rock bottom.

One morning, I woke up at 3:30 AM unable to go back to sleep. I laid there staring at the ceiling wondering, "What I am going to do, where do I go from here? How do I wake up and pretend to be okay. I am so broken, everything hurts." I laid there for a long time staring at my phone, scrolling through social media seeing all the happy faces I had left behind at my temporary home I had left. I logged out. I put the apps in a separate folder and there they stay waiting for a rainy day when I'm ready to use them again. I decided that I'm done being miserable, I am done being this weak shell of a person because I am so much stronger than that. I went to the notes in my phone and I started writing:

"I'm done being sad and miserable. I'm done feeling like there's no way out of this hole. I'm climbing my way out. I have been waiting around for someone to save me, but I'm not waiting around. I'm going to make myself stronger for me. I feel so weak but I need to relearn how to be strong. I control my own happiness, I can't wait around for someone to come save me. I can't put so much pressure on someone to pull me up from the darkness and make me stronger and happier, that's too much responsibility for one person to hold. I will always be left at the bottom of the hole disappointed if I continue to live that way. I need work on myself and discover my own happiness. No more waiting around, life is happening right now and I'm missing it."

After writing this, it didn't happen over night, but I was able to breathe again. I climbed out of the hole and I started building some mental muscle. I started going out more and trying not to say no as often to things like going to a bar. I began to feel comfortable being alone, because just because you are alone doesn't mean you need to be lonely. I began running again every other day. Each day got better.

Physical and Mental Makeover

My biggest take away from this three-month journey has been putting my phone down and finding happiness in being alone. I used to replace the empty room with social media. I felt lonely when alone, and anxious around people and the contradicting cycle was causing so much mental instability and confusion. I am still learning to conquer my internal battle but little changes are making all the difference. When I look in the mirror now, I don't hate to look at myself and want to change every little thing about me. I see a woman who could do anything because she climbed out of the hole by herself and pushed the cloud away. I started growing confidence and security in who I am. I cut my hair, I lost some weight and then I gained some weight (and I'm OK!), I bought new clothes and make up, I read a couple books, I've watched many movies, and I'm still job hunting. All of these little changes, although they seem small and some unnecessary, they were just for me and have made me feel more at home in my body.

Forgiveness

Learning to forgive is the most freeing feeling. Letting go of little things that made you crazy before is like taking a breath of fresh air. My breath of fresh air followed shortly after climbing out of the hole. I have been stuck for a long time and pushed a lot of my problems on the people I loved and that, as a result, pushed them away. I have been in love with the same man for three years and a few months ago we broke each others hearts. We fought over stupid things, and were both too stubborn to let little things go. We made each other unhappy and miserable for months until I moved back home. I am the first person to tell any girl, "You don't need no man!" But when it came down to my man, I thought that I needed him. I truly believed that he was the best part about me and I put so much pressure on him to be the driving force of my strength and happiness, and that is incredibly selfish. We both made mistakes, we both have apologized endlessly, and we both are coming out of this fight stronger. Relationships are hard work and sometimes the best thing is to take a step back and reflect on what's important. We both came to the same conclusion: "I love you, you are my best friend, the beholder of all my secrets, and if I'm going to be with any one it's going to be you." If you're holding on to something, let it go. "If it's meant to be it will be." "If it's yours set it free." "If it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't it never was." Sometimes cliches are the perfect ending.