Home

I roll over in bed, my sheets getting tangled up around my ankles as I kick them away from me, the heat becoming too much for me to bare, as I sit up in bed and run my hand through my hair, brushing the damp strands stuck to my forehead away from my face, I pick up my phone seeing that it is 6:08am, the sun will be rising soon, it's February eighteenth today, the date weighing heavy on my heart.

I swing my legs over the side of my bed, standing and walking over to my window, unclipping the locks and pushing it all the way up, allowing the early morning breeze to cool my overheated skin, I grab my cardigan from the back of my desk chair and slip it on, pulling the sleeves up to sit just below my elbows, I slip into my slippers and use my desk to help me climb out of my window and onto the rooftop.

The cool air wraps around me, the slight wind blowing through my tangled curls as the sky slowly starts to lighten, as the morning starts to settle, I bring my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, it became a habit when you were gone, I didn't have you to wrap me up in your arms, so I would wrap myself in my own, you could always take the chill away from the morning air, and now I have to rely on myself.

I rest my chin on my knee and close my eyes as I remember the first time that you found me up here.

//

"Emily where the hell are you?" You're in my bedroom, because you're too close to be any further, I hesitate, do I give myself away and show you where I am? Or do I reveal myself, I'm still embarrassed, I made a complete fool of myself.

I kissed my best friend, I've had feelings for her for a while now, but I refused to act upon it, but then we were stuck in this moment together, and before I even knew what I was doing, I was leaning in and capturing her lips with my own.

"Em? I know you're home" I hear your voice again.

I sigh softly to myself and lean over to the window, I could see you standing close to my bed, but your back was to me.

"I'm here" I watch as you whip around, your hair moving in a giant swish as you do, your eyes lock onto mine, and I could almost see the sympathy that lies in them.

I turn back around and stare up at the sky as the sun starts to set, I can hear you climbing onto my desk and hear you grunting loudly to yourself.

"Why must you sit on the roof, you know that I am scared of heights" You grumble swinging your legs out of the window.

"I know" I nod, that is exactly why I had done it, I didn't think she would follow me out here, simply for that reason, but I guess I was wrong.

"Oh so you done it on purpose, thinking I wouldn't come out here" Tara scoffed. "Well you were wrong"

"Clearly" I mumble.

"So are we going to talk about what happened?" Tara asks once she was sat safely down beside me.

"Or we could just pretend that it never happened" I shrug my shoulders.

"But it did happen"

"Yeah I know, I was there"

"Why did you leave?" She asks after a minute has passed.

"Is that a serious question?" I arch my brow over at her.

"Yes" She nods.

"Because I kissed my best friend, who is completely straight" I shake my head turning back to look at the sky.

"What makes you so sure?"

"About what?

"About me being completely straight?" She says.

I don't have an answer for her so I stayed silent, it's true that I don't actually know, but she has always been boy crazy and has never mentioned ever liking a girl, so I just assumed.

"You didn't kiss me back" I stated.

"You never gave me the chance to, you pulled away and left within seconds, I wouldn't have even had the time to respond"

"And if I had stayed?" I ask, too scared to turn and face her.

"I would have kissed you back, and told you what I have been dying to tell you for the past year" She says so quietly, that if the wind had been blowing at the exact moment, her words would have been lost.

"Which is what?"

"That I'm in love with you" She says softly.

My head whips round to face her so quickly, I was actually scared for a moment that I was going to snap my neck.

"What?" I stutter.

"Did you really never notice?" She chuckles "Because everyone but you knew, even your parents could see it" Tara shakes her head softly.

"How long?" I ask softly.

"I started catching feelings for you, just over a year ago I guess, and the more time I spent with you the harder I fell, hearing you laugh and seeing you smile became a mission for me, because every time that you did, and every time that your eyes lit up, my heart soared, but the day I fell in love with you? You weren't smiling or laughing, and my heart wasn't soaring, you were having a bad day, you were sobbing and you didn't even know why, you didn't go to school that day, I remember it so clearly, because I got worried when I didn't see you, and then even more worried when you never answered the phone, and when I hadn't heard from you by lunch, I left school and came looking for you,you were all bundled up in your bed balling your eyes out, I climbed into bed with you and just held you as you cried, we layed there for what felt like forever, and then you looked up at me, your eyes were all puffy and red, your cheeks looked swollen, your eyelashes were soaked with tears, you didn't say anything, you just stared into my eyes, it was that moment, that's when I fell in love with you, I wanted so badly to kiss you in that moment, but I was scared that I would lose you forever"

I remember that day, I didn't go into school because I had realised my feelings for my best friend, and I didn't want to be around her, because I didn't think I could take it, I couldn't handle just being her friend, so I stayed home, but she found me, and she comforted me.

"I wanted you to" I tell her.

"What" Her eyes widened in shock as I say that.

"I wanted you to kiss me, I was fighting with myself in my head, I wanted to kiss you, but I was too scared to make the first move, I wanted you to do it, because then I would have known that it would be okay to be in love with my best friend" I give her a sad smile.

"Em" She starts but I shake my head softly.

"I didn't come into school that day because I couldn't handle just being your friend anymore, I wanted more with you, but I knew that could never happen, That was my way of trying to distance myself from you, but then you found me, and you held me, and I knew in that moment, that I could never stay away from you, that I would suffer just being your friend if it meant that I got to have you in my life"

Tara scooted closer to me, bringing her hand up to my face, her eyes locking onto my own as if asking for permission, as if I would deny her such a thing, I nodded my head softly, giving her the reasurance that she needed, and that's when it happened, she leaned in slowly, her eyes closing as she did so, my eyes closing also out of instinct, it was a few more nerve racking seconds before I felt her soft lips pressed against mine for the second time today, but this time, she had initiated it, and I allowed myself to get lost in her touch, in her lips, as the sun setted around us.

//

A lone tear travels down my cheek as I try to remember the way her lips felt against my own.

It has been over two years since that day, and today marks the one year anniversary of her death, as I sit here, the sun rising before me, the sun beating on my skin warming me slightly, it's in that moment that I feel her again, her arms wrapped around my waist as I lean against her chest, her lips pressed against my cheek as we watch the sunrise for the one hundreth time, and for that split second, I feel home.