Homeless

At this day and age I never thought this would become my life. Nobody in childhood says, "I want to be homeless when I grow up." The desires are big and within reach in the eyes of children. They want to be a fireman, doctor, princess or superhero, nobody wants to be homeless and alone.

This is totally by choice mind you, not horrible reasons like I am an alcoholic (I get drunk with only one drink!) or drug addict even. Although, I do admit I have smoked weed on occasion, but never to the point where it became some sort of lifeline for me.

Yes, this is by choice. I recently lost some income with a bad choice I made and can't seem to get ahead. I am always two steps behind. It is very hard today with a job to make ends meet anyway. It used to be people could support a family on just one income, but today EVERYBODY has to work to stay out of poverty.

I don't really look down on the homeless, all of them have a story. I will admit, though, that I always thought if they were living on the street, that it was because of some addiction they had that prevented the hundreds of agencies out there to help them.

Is it pride? Nope, not that either, I know that I am no better than the next guy. I feel we are all born the same and we will all die the same. With those facts how can anybody be any better than anyone else?

I do have a great family and lots of friends whom would gladly offer me a home until I got on my feet again. I have a lot of people that love me and have offered their homes to me already. I just can't accept their offers. The younger ones are all excited about life and following their own paths. The older ones are already married with their own husbands or younger children living at home. What makes me so special that I would mess up the perfect home they have offered? Nothing.

I even have a husband, somewhere, but even if I found him, would I want him? No, I would not. Because if he loved me so much he would be with me now, wouldn't he? He is too good to divorce me, but not so good that he wants to be a husband. Proud to tell all he is married and wears his wedding rings. Yet, not so proud that he is here with me now, acting like a man that truly loves me.

I don't really want this to be my fate. I have a job that I actually love most of the time. I was raised on setting goals and not being a quitter. I even asked a co-worker yesterday, that if she had to chose between jumping off a cliff or facing a pack of hungry wolves, what would she do. She said she'd face the wolves and die knowing that at least she fought until the end.

I am just not a fighter, nor do I see this choice as being a quitter either. I am making the choice to not be anybody's burden or responsibility. That is not quitting, actually, it is being nice and loving.

It don't think it will be so bad. I will have my little dog with me to keep me company. I will also talk to God every day to watch over us until he is ready to take us home.