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Honestly, I Love You

And I'm afraid to.

By Kryptos JournalPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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I've never been in this deep with someone, nor have I cared to, and I've never had someone wholeheartedly be patient with me, caring, and love me back. You're a different breed and it's frankly, frightening. I'm afraid to love you because I'm afraid I'll lose myself in the process. But I do anyway, and I perpetuate that fear by overcompensating for you. I go the extra mile to show you my feelings because I can't say them. I know that I choke you with that sometimes too. I'm not the best at this, but again, you're patient, caring, and love me, somehow.

I love you because I can hear your singing and humming in my head throughout the day. I can hear your heart full of encouragement and your support of my crazy ideas and silly secrets that nobody else knows. I can hear your frustrations with me and the way things are going. I can hear you, and my heart is listening. My brain doesn't want to. Why is that?

It's such a surreal feeling, you told me you love me, I said "okay, I'll call you later," but I should have said with complete confidence that I love you too. There's no doubting it, but I am more comfortable hiding behind a shell of friendship and companionship than giving a part of myself to you. You deserve me though, and you deserve better than me, too.

You want freedom, and have dreams and aspirations and I support them. I support your projects and your endeavors, I support your bustling social life that sometimes leaves you too busy for me. I support you and will follow you anywhere you want to go, if you'd let me, honestly. I want to give you these things and more, but my fear of loving you is holding you back, it's holding me back, and most of all, it's holding us back. Instead of telling you, I just tell myself that I love you.

You're confident, caring, in-love with your life, but skeptical of humanity, and I'm sure stupid things like what I have been doing don't help how skeptical you feel. You're free and unbound by others, you're flexible and stay busy and have a crazy life. Even listening to you drive down a road on the phone is an experience. I'm bounded by humanity, optimistic and trustworthy, but I'm just as much of an individual as you, and I feel like if I give you my heart, we'll both become dissimilar to our current selves, and I don't know... That's just scary to me. You're ethereal towards people and I'm grounded towards people, and I think we look good together, but I don't want to be brought to your level, and I don't want to bring you to mine. I like being on different paths towards similar goals. Still, I love you.

I'm not even sure why. I'm awful with my feelings. I just know that I do and that regardless of what we think or feel, I want to act with my heart in every instance with you. I miss your voice, you've been sick this week and I honestly can't shake the feeling of missing you. I want to be there for you. I want to be there with you. Honestly, I love you.

I am going to tell you, because, you deserve to know. And you've deserved to have known. I've just been afraid, and now, I'm ready to let go with you. I'm ready to open up my feelings to you because I want to, and you deserve every sappy last drop of it.

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About the Creator

Kryptos Journal

Pleasure writer focusing on academics and forward thinking. I am a student, but primarily a social scientist with a vast interest in a broad range of subjects.

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