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Horrors of Using a Right Swipe

Another Tinder Horror Story

Christopher Lloyd, Who Framed Roger Rabbit

When you have recently become single, meeting people is difficult, especially those of us with RBF (resting bitch face). I personally do not go out by myself to many adult places such as bars or clubs, which makes meeting people that much harder. I am also a little bit of a... strong-willed female that believes in exploring my body with others. 

So, an older friend of mine recommended Tinder. I thought this was odd as I had heard it had a reputation for just being full of hookups, but hey, why not?! So I put up some of my favorite pictures where I looked attractive and enticing. I was getting a lot of hits to my surprise. 

There was one in particular that caught my eye. He was handsome, tall, and ambitious (all things I look for in a man). His biggest drawback was that he was younger than myself, but he said he wanted to see how things would go. We conversed over text and phone for approximately two weeks before either of us mentioned anything about meeting in person. He had made a suggestion that we go for a long walk and just enjoy each other's company. 

The next day I was thrilled to find out he was in the area and I was getting off early. I suggested we meet at a school near me (it was a school holiday of some sort, one that real people don't get off), and he said he'd meet me there. I was thrilled. Then things began to get a bit... weird. 

My first moment of impending regret happened when I had to give him directions three times after sending him the address of the school... Rough start but I know I'm picky. He gets there after five minutes and his face falls a little after seeing me. I try not to notice. 

We walk around for a bit. He is letting me do all the talking whilst he's staring off into space and occasionally checking his phone. Okay, I'll pretend like I don't see that...

After a very short walk and little to no conversation, he asks if I live around there as he'd like a place to sit that doesn't look like kids threw lunches on it. I say yes but we will have to park in the back. He stares at me like I'm going to murder him but shrugs and agrees. 

After waiting for him to get there because I somehow managed to lose him a minute into the five-minute straight drive, he pulls up and we walk towards the back of my house. As we approach the door I warn him that my house is a bit messy as my daughter is a bit scattered with her toys. He stopped dead in his tracks... "You have a daughter?!" he looked mortified. 

"Yes? Didn't you read my profile?" I questioned, unlocking the door. 

"Well, yeah. I guess not all the way..." he trailed at the end. At this point, I am not only embarrassed as he's seen my house but annoyed that he obviously didn't read anything I had written. 

We sit on my bed. He asked to turn the TV on, which I do, fiddling through the channels. He moved one of my hands to his pants. His real intentions finally show through and at this point I'm just wanting something fun from this horrible experience, so I play along. He begins to get a bit hard. I'm rolling my eyes as this... Immature man (if you can even call him that) is about the size of a toothpick and moaning. He then turns my face to lay a very sloppy, I think, kiss on my lips. Meanwhile, he is unzipping himself. I'm sure we all know what happens next if this was a romantic movie. Well... it isn't.

He then shoves my face on his extremities and guides his smallness into my mouth. At this point, I would love for this guy to get done and leave. No, of course not, he actually is enjoying himself. So I pull out all the good ways I know how to get a man to blow quickly. None of that works, he's enjoying himself, so I get bad at what I'm doing. At this point, he says let's do it. Nothing romantic no gesture, just: "Let's do it." This guy is a 12-year-old that watch too many bad 90s movies. 

So I take my clothes off and he wants to do it doggy. Great, I'm tight and this will be over in a second. He thrusts inside of me and then in a wonderfully dumbfounded tone says: "Oh, I should have put on a condom."

Are you kidding me with this! "Well, why don't you put one on now?" I screamed. 

"I came." Insert awkward pause. "Sorry."

I went into the bathroom with my clothes. I could not believe this guy. I left the bathroom and he wasn't dressed yet. He looked at the fact that I had, then quickly threw his clothes on. We sat there awkwardly, watching TV.

With a jolt he stood up. "I just remembered my windows are down. Let me go close them." I said okay and he darted out of there. 

I heard him go down the hill, I heard his car start. "He's leaving," I said aloud with humor in my voice. After a couple minutes of me sitting there in shock, I went to move my car to the front and take my daughter home.

I thought that was the end of it. 

Two weeks later, I got a text. "I know you must think I'm a horrible person. But you really should change your pictures. They were very misleading." I did not reply.

20 minutes later. "You really should take better care of your dog! She looks unhappy! And how could you have such a mess in your house!" I did not reply. 

A week after that; "How could you do this to me!?" I let the curiosity get the better of me. "Do what to you?!" I replied.

"You bitch, you gave me an STD!" I was livid as I had just tested positive for Herpes. That's right... Herpes. 

This guy not only treated me like poo, got off, ridiculed me, but then gave me a disease! Worst.... Not even date, ever!


Don't right swipe, kids. It isn't worth it!

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