How?

Around a month ago, my partner told me that he was no longer happy in our relationship and that he was depressed. We both decided it was the "winter blues." Up until a few days ago, I had thought that this was the truth.

We began dating on June 11th, 2016. We had both just graduated high school and we were ready to begin a real relationship. Our relationship was far from perfect. We are nothing alike. We fought, we had our issues, we separated once but ended up rekindling our love life. We went through a lot, but to us, we were perfect. From an outside view, our relationship confused people. But once they saw us together, they realized the enormous amount of love we had for each other. And that we did. I have so much love for that man I don't even know what to do with it. Especially now that it is over.

The past few days have been rough for us. After a freak out from me when he had hung out with someone he had a crush on instead of me, he made it clear he was unhappy with me. This was not new to me, as I had heard it a few times before. I thought I could fix everything and make him happier than ever. Although it hurt like hell, I completely believed I could fix us again. I was wrong. I realize now that him telling me this was his way of telling me he had made up his mind. He was done.

As I was about to lose the best thing that had ever happened to me, I started to freak out. I texted him nonstop, I kept checking his location, I went crazy. I had become completely obsessed. Obviously, this behavior was not okay and ended up pushing him further away, but I couldn't help myself. I was losing him. He was all I had. I lost him due to my own negligence.

I decided that the next day we both had free we would have a date day. I obviously did not believe that this would fix everything, but my goal was to give him hope. Hope that this relationship was what we both needed. He had been wanting to try new things for a while, and our entire relationship I had been too busy. Now that all of my duties were done, I finally had time to focus on him. That's what this week was going to be the start of. Realizing that I had a day to show him everything, I made sure it was going to be full of fun events.

I started off the day by picking him up in my newly clean car. He had always complained that my car was a mess and he couldn't stand it, I had just been too busy to clean it. I cleaned that sucker from floor to roof, inside and out. I drove us up to a rock wall climbing facility. I had wanted to try this and I knew he had too. I seized the opportunity to show him I was ready to try new things and to adventure with him. We weren't very good at it, but we had fun and we tried something new. I then drove us to an outlet mall we had been talking about going to for months. I keep reiterating on the fact that I drove because that was a huge issue for him. I never wanted to drive and he felt like my chauffeur. I drove a lot yesterday. We shopped there and got some food. This is when the day went downhill.

I asked him if he was having a good day. He said something about how he was, but it was making it feel like he would enjoy my company more as a friend. He told me he had not felt a single urge to reach out and hold my hand or anything. That hurt and it cut deep. We continued our day talking every once in a while about how we were feeling.

I drove us all the way back to where we started to take him to a store he had always wanted to go to but had never been to. I ended up buying him a couple things there. He had told me that I didn't spoil him enough, so I decided it was now or never. Anything he wanted, I bought. We ended up going to a store that sells movies and I got him two movies. One I've been wanting to see that he loves, and another that he wanted that I figured we could watch together. I couldn't wait to watch them with him.

But I never will. On the half hour drive home, we began discussing things. I broke down and talked most of the way about how he should keep fighting and not give up on us. We got to his apartment but stayed in my car talking while I cried. He had ended with the fact that he was not happy right now and that he didn't know if this would be forever, but we were done. I gave him the biggest hug I could muster, bawling my eyes out and begging him not to leave. I clung onto him for dear life. But nothing mattered. A hug wouldn't change his decision. Just as a big day trip and hours of talking about it wouldn't help. He made up his mind days ago.

This all took place last night. Everything feels fake right now. I want to cry, I want to die, I want him. I need him. A part of me wishes he never said anything about possibly getting back together in the future. That is what hurts. I don't know whether to hold on to the hope I have, or to give up. Everything came out of nowhere. We just had an amazing Valentine's Day. Now everything is destroyed. I am praying that he is just upset right now and will want me back. I have a feeling in my gut that our relationship is right and that this breakup will not last forever. I don't know where this feeling is coming from, but I can't ignore it. The love we share is too strong to die. I know this and I know he feels it too.

But I will leave. I will let him live his life. I will leave him alone. This is all I can give him now, the reassurance that I will always love him and that I will give him what he needs. This is all killing me, but I need him to be happy. I will try to keep my head up and continue my life. Even if I rigged it so that I would have an abundance of time for him. Time that I now have to wait, cry, regret, and wonder where we went wrong.