How A Guy I Never Met Broke My Heart

Like classic, text-book style foreshadowing, I read my fortune from between my fingers at our local Chinese buffet. “A new romance is in your future,” it read. It was like all of my dreams were coming true and this was my confirmation. To me in this vulnerable moment, it was a sign from divinity itself that I would suffer no more! My time had finally come and I would no longer be the eternally-single friend. I had finally found the one….. Or so I thought.

This is the story of how I convinced myself that I was in love with a Tinder match I never met.

It was the summer of 2016 and I was feeling like I was on top of the world. I had just finished my first year of college and I was home for the summer. During this time, I was in a really good place. I was spending my days catching up on my art, spending time with friends, and partying it up at night. Behind this newfound confidence and spontaneity was the intuitive feeling that I was going to meet someone. And I did. Sort of.

I was feeling pretty invincible so I decided to give Tinder a try. I wasn’t looking to meet anyone special this way, rather I was just looking to brush up on my flirting skills. There was a lot of trial and error, many empty conversations, and nights where I was just incredibly bored with my prospects. But then I swiped right on an artist that I would never meet but would color my love life for quite some time to come.

He messaged me first (a rarity on Tinder for us ladies) and we didn’t instantly click, but the more we messaged, the more he intrigued me. He was an up-and-coming artist who loved exploring taboo topics such as sexuality from both an intellectual and artistic perspective. His vocabulary was extensive and he was as passionate as he was sensitive, he was worldly yet he had the power to enchant me. I felt as though I had met my other half, like we were two notes of the same chord vibrating together in perfect harmony.

Apparently he didn’t feel the same way. When I made a proposition for a date, he said that he was looking for more of a friends-with-benefits relationship. I foolishly ignored him. I was so excited to meet him and get to know him that it didn’t really sink in. I still wanted to meet him and he was interested in meeting me as well as a friend.

One night I messaged him and he didn’t get back to me right away. I messaged him a while later asking what he was doing and he replied that he was painting which was fine, but I had a feeling that something was wrong. He got back to me saying that he wasn’t looking for a relationship and that he wished me the best in life. The actual message he sent was long and heartfelt, showing that he genuinely cared about my feelings, which is why I should have listened but of course, I didn’t.

I tried to be cool with it for a few days, but then I started bargaining, asking to be friends, anything just to keep him talking to me. We continued talking for the remainder of the summer and eventually stopped in August when I decided that we shouldn’t talk anymore. Then, one day in February after thinking about him every day since we last spoke, I decided that I missed him and that I wanted to continue talking so I messaged him and we rode the roller coaster again. Before I left for a class trip to Italy I decided I would tell him how I really felt. I called him and told him that I was in love with him. It was a bit of an awkward conversation, but at the time I felt like I was doing the right thing for me.

Not surprisingly it didn’t change anything between us. He was kind and did his best to comfort me, but after that phone call neither of us reached out to one another again. For about a year after that I still wasn’t over him completely. It also didn’t help that many people didn’t understand my despair and that other people were trying to help me, but in doing so were making me face a truth that I didn’t want to face: He was never going to be into me and I needed to let it go. Looking back, I realize that I should have taken no for an answer the first time. As a feminist that always advocates for a woman’s right to say no, it has been hard to come to terms with the fact that I failed to respect a man’s. I also understand that I do not have to bargain for anyone’s attention. Since that phone call I have completed my second and third years of college and have studied abroad in South America. As I near closer to my senior year of college I find that I am proud of who I am and that for the first time I don’t feel like I need a boyfriend to complete me. This is because for the first time in my life I genuinely love myself. Unfortunately it took an entire two years after a heart break that could have been avoided to realize that a healthy dose of self-love was all that I needed to be happy.

I know that it’s crazy that I became so hung up on someone that I never met, but at the same time, I feel like I am not the only person that this has happened to. It’s so easy with online dating apps to feel as though love is at your finger tips and when you find someone you click with after years of your love life not working out as you planned, it is easy to feel like everything is finally falling into place. With my lack of experience, I mistook finding someone that I had chemistry with for finding someone who would make a good potential partner. Because of this, I built a fantasy in my head of what this chemistry could become. I fell in love with the illusion rather than seeing things as they were. When it did not play out as planned I felt fooled by the universe, like there was some sort of external force that just never wanted me to find love. In anger and some weird, self-destructive revenge on my misfortune (which were actually just circumstances that no one could help), I refused to let go. A bit over dramatic, but that’s seriously how I felt.

Luckily, after about a year and a half, I have let go and I feel much better for it. I embrace the love that I already have and I find that concentrating on bettering myself through education and spirituality makes me feel whole and happy. I even dated a guy for a little while, which gave me hope that there are other people out there that are interested in me! If any of you are reading this and have been through or are still going through a similar situation, I want you all to know that I understand, that you will find love, and that your feelings are valid. This is a long process and a painful one, but it is one that will make you into the person that you are meant to be. You are not being torn down, rather you are being restored to your original glory before poor self esteem created cracks in your beautiful foundation.