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How Could You Not Want to Fall in Love Again?

It's not that I don't want to love again, I'm just scared.

By Sam VillemairePublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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It's no longer waking up to cute good morning texts. It's remembering you no longer have a person to plan things you dreamed of doing with. It's going places you once visited with the "love of your life" and trying not to let the memories overwhelm you. It's taking showers in the middle of the day because you can't dare to let your family hear you sobbing anymore. It's replaying everything in your head with the hopes of finding out where you went wrong. It's becoming a prisoner to your own sadness if you don't find a new way to occupy yourself. It's knowing sooner or later, they will find someone else and that someone will not be you. It's every tear I shed, every knot I felt in my throat, and every ache in my stomach- That's what heartbreak feels like. So I ask myself, why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of being in love?

I met a person that changed my entire life within a few short years. Just one encounter with him made everything seem SO different. I was happy. I looked forward to each and every single day with this boy. Fast forward to the present moment...do you remember that famous saying?

"All good things come to an end."

I tried. I tried so god damn hard to be funny, to be deserving of his love and worth his time, but despite every attempt, I wasn't enough. We're back here again, the same sad cycle, and it all starts with hearing my voice from the past. How did I let this happen to myself again? How could I possibly be so naïve to think things would be different this time and someone could actually love me forever?

The sad thing is, you could ask me about love and all I would talk about is heartbreak. Our bodies ache and our hearts break for certain people, yet we still appear invisible to them. We allow these people to build fires in our hearts only to eventually leave us shivering in the cold. I'm truly convinced that nothing lasts forever, including our existence, but I stand here with glowing eyes, watching how carefree and happy his life is, wishing I could be a part of it.

It's not that I don't want to love again, I'm just scared. Scared of being rejected, hurt, or brought down. I'm scared of being told "I love you" and then they leave. I don't want my happiness to depend on another person. I don't want to stay up late wondering if he is thinking about me or whether or not I'm worthy of his attention. I don't want to cry over someone who doesn't care. My biggest fear is that the man I love will wake up before me, walk into the kitchen, staring at the pale morning skies and come to the conclusion that for no particular reason, he just doesn't don't love me anymore. I don't want to give anyone the power to destroy me.

No matter how much pain he put me through, the only thing I regret is not investing more love in myself. It took me quite some time to unveil the bandages and accept the parts of myself that he couldn't. I no longer see the skies as grey. They became blue again. I realized there are places I have not been, books I have not read, people I have not met, music I haven't heard, and games I have not won. I am finally allowing myself to blossom, and realizing that the only person you can ever make feel whole and complete is yourself. It's time to get things in my life back into perspective again.

He was a chapter of my life, and with a final wave goodbye, he became torn out pages of my book. Out of all the ways and all the days I've loved him, the last one had to have been the worst. My sad soul has been set free and I have stumbled upon inner peace. I have met face-to-face with the reality of love and all of the hurt that comes with it. We were so distracted by how ugly our ending was, but I will never forget our beautiful beginning.

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About the Creator

Sam Villemaire

Sam is a student from Canada who is fond of literature and writing, but also concerned deeply about the ecological issues that plague our planet. She hopes to cause awareness through empathy and spread the word of love for our home, Earth.

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