How Did I Allow It to Ever Get This Far?

I don't know where to start, or even how to start. I'm sure you knew my work would begin like this. Confused and unaware... oblivious to what point I'm trying to make, or what steps I'm trying to take. I don't know the moral of this story in all honestly, I just know in my head what I'm trying to say. Even though it may be jumbled, just try to keep up—okay?

For months I've been pushing my feelings back. Not because of me and how I feel. Mainly because I was trying to keep what I thought was real. Creating this imaginary brace between us that I was not trying to crack. From the day I met you, I knew (well... thought) you were something I desired—something I wanted to build with. Evidently, I was stuck on what I thought was supposed to be real. Clearly, I'm not the best at letting people down. I remained doleful for years, trying to keep a narcissist at ease. Now before I knew what love was, and before I learned I was worth way more than what I was receiving, I stayed in a mentally abusive relationship. Ongoing years of bringing me down, and at a young age then, I couldn't pinpoint the signs. I couldn't take a moment to stop and think about my decisions. I was just all in. I was ready to clear whatever obstacle I was bound to face. I thought I knew it all, and I thought I was ready for it all. I wasn't, and to this day still, remain... clueless.

I was shackled with no restraint in a relationship that was empty—empty of all the qualities that I or anyone and everyone needs to have a relationship. Stripped of all loyalty I thought you had, I lost all the respect you've acquired through time. There was no honesty, and quite frankly, I began to second guess everything you disclosed anyway. That's weird. Actually listening to myself explain the deep truths about you, that I hid so deep in my mind, that this doesn't even seem real. For me to once have adored you to now having so much animosity towards you. I was stripped of my moralities from the years spent with you. I lost myself so extensively that I have yet to fully find myself again. Forcefully dragging myself forward to a new path, to try and pick up the pieces that were shaved off my soul, slowly thought out these past years. Ending with no love, no trust. Once trust was gone, it was hard to maintain and keep the supposed secure love I had for you. Instantaneously restraining myself from falling into your trap.

I forced myself into feeling fake happiness. I faked every smile and every laugh. Now don't mistake it, at the moment I felt it, it was real. I knew it was wrong, mentally. I etched every negative feelings into the lowest part of my brain to never look back. Through the cheating that I foreshadowed, all the terrible lies you tried to tell, even though I knew the truth, I'm very smart, I knew how to tell your tells and I saw through your clowned poker face. You attempted to feed me countless stories, trying to cover up for your disloyal actions, as I already smelled the presence of another female in your car. Trying to cover up the small truths you unfolded from a massive lie. Those were my favorites, watching you choke up. Looking into my eyes, hypnotizing my shell to believe your lies. As you follow with soft kisses and your warm touch. You knew how to control my mind through my body. Softly gliding your devil hands against my soft and sensitive thighs. Making all you did to me "okay." Kissing me in places that I blatantly opened to you. Simply, you used sexual powers to a high degree to cover for your faults. I let it be, just so I can feel one more time what I once desired to have forever. Something that I previously possessed, but never owned.

The problem starts when you begin to care. Now your feelings are involved, and they are left unmanaged. So you begin to feel alone, and now you're fucked. I obsessed over someone who could not give a damn. And I let myself fall into the arms that wouldn't flinch to catch me. I loved someone who was never mine. There were no ties, no strings attached, and I was head over heels for an idea. This idea was all a fantasy—that is where the mistake comes in. I fell in love with someone who was never mine. I gave my all to him without having a title. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, right? For that I blame myself, for the broken heart I allowed myself to have. You are not to blame for being yourself. I am to blame for all the decisions and actions I allowed myself to go through. My stress, my tears, the hair, and sleep that I lost—this all points to my ignorance. I cosigned my own unhappiness. I allowed it all, and for this, I owe myself a deep apology for self-neglect. This I promise will never happen again.

It's easy to lose yourself in a situation you are unaware of, making it easy to also fall apart. Going in blindfolded will get you tripped up in situations you once swore you would never deal with. I personally never thought that I would be in a relationship containing two people but one heart. Where I was left alone high and dry with no remorse on his conscious. I was so upset about a situation to a point nothing feels right. To a point where I felt so alone that writing feels like it's my only coping mechanism. You get so wrapped up in trying to be perfect, trying to mold two people into one. It's even harder when you're working alone—when the energy and effort is not double-sided. Attempting to hold on to someone who is not ready to be held—at least not by you. One can't keep happiness that never existed. Never let someone come in your scope, and let them attempt to ruin your liveliness with negative vibes. You are to be affirmative for the warmth of yourself. Nobody can revise self-spirit, except one's own mind.

Attempting to forgive you is a step I persuade myself to take. In due time, it will come.