How Did I Get Here?

I am a 36-year-old single mother. I own my house and I work two jobs... I have a boyfriend of almost two years that still refuses to live together. Why do you ask? Well, I have been racking my brain on why myself. I sit back and look at my life and think, "How did I end up here?" Let's go back to the beginning.

When I graduated High School I was dating my high school sweetheart and he was my best friend. I witnessed over the next few years how drugs changed him into another person. Hoping things would change and afraid of leaving him, we got married at 21 years old and our marriage only lasted 6 months before we separated. I lost my bestie to drugs and he didn't even realize it. It has been almost 15 years and we still have not spoken since our divorce. I wonder where I went wrong. Why didn't I try harder? Why didn't he try harder?

After a short stint of sleeping with people from high school and trying to experience life, I met my next boyfriend. This one is still one of my favorite relationships. We had fun. He was my best friend and we did everything together and never got sick of each other. He was a few years younger than me and not ready to settle down. I was born to be a wife and mother. It was something I always wanted and searched for. Maybe that's my problem. After two years with this person, I loved him but he could never tell me he loved me back. Self-esteem....down the toilet. I wanted more so instead of being patient, I left. During that time I met who I still believe was my soulmate and the man of my dreams. He was a special forces man and younger. We started off friends. He lived in North Carolina and was about to be deployed. In the early 2000's it was a lot harder to communicate with service men and woman. Not as much social media. After a year I got scared and made one of the biggest regrets of my life and I wasn't there for him when he came home. I'm a jerk for it and I accept that. To this day I still haven't spoken a word to him but his wonderful sister I found on Facebook and miraculously doesn't hate me. She updates me once in a while so I know he is ok. He won't speak to me and I don't blame him.

Next on to the doozy of boyfriends. This one I met at bar and he swooped in and told me everything I wanted to hear. He had two children and was a hot family man. Well, low and behold he was too good to be true. After a few months of dating, he told me his soon to be ex-wife was pregnant and she got pregnant right before we met. I was young and naive, people. and I believed EVERY lie out of his mouth. I still carry a lot of guilt from that time in my life. When I knew I should have left, I didn't. I stayed for four years and was mentally abused and cheated on the entire time. To add insult to injury, I had a miscarriage during that time as well. Finally the woman I call "my blessing" came in and he left me for her. It was the best thing that could have happened to me even though I felt like I was dying inside. So, of course, what did I do after that? I met my now ex-husband and father to my older son. I was almost 27 and still had no children and no sight of settling down. My dreams since I was a kid kept getting shot down. I was vulnerable when I met my ex-husband and because he told me what I wanted to hear I jumped in head first. I got pregnant after a few months and married. I don't regret it because I have an amazing child from this but it was a hard lesson to learn. I was happy and a stay at home mom. We were happy. Then eight weeks after my son is born, the shit hits the fan. A girl calls me and the cheating stories start flowing. Ladies, when you hear man is previously divorced because of cheating please know he WILL do it to you too. Maybe I am cynical but so far I keep picking the wrong people and making stupid decisions.

After that short marriage of two years, I finally come to terms with the fact that he would never change and we got a divorce. A short few months later I get set up on a blind date with someone who isn't really my type but he made me feel good and I was desperate to feel wanted and loved. He was good to my son and I. So...what did I do yet again? I jumped! After three months of dating we got pregnant out of the blue and here comes my second angel. We tried for four years to make it work but he didn't believe in marriage and I felt like I was constantly fighting the battle of making someone think I was worthy enough to be their wife. My life should really be a movie because all of this just barely touches the surface of what I have been through. At this point, I am now 34-years-old and I have two sons by two different fathers and I'm single and unmarried...still.

Fast forward to today. I started CrossFit when my youngest was about one-year-old and I met a coach that become my friend. Instant attraction but unable to date. So we stayed friends. After a few years I became single and then he did. WE finally started seeing each other and everything felt natural. He was scared and broke it off twice in the first eight months. He didn't want to put a label on it. "Why did I stay?" is probably what you're thinking and I ask myself that all the time. Being with him felt natural and to me it was better than having no one. Even though I'm in my 30s I still have mastered the art of being picky and knowing I deserve more. He wasn't a bad guy but he wasn't ready to commit, and I had to two children so I was over the dating/booty call scene. I knew I deserved love. So I held out hope that he would want to commit to me. After a little while I became pregnant and had another miscarriage. This was around the time he finally "put a label" on it as my boyfriend. Something I longed for with him and now I have it. We've been officially together for over a year now and the new battle is moving in together. I feel like it's time but he makes every excuse not too.

So now I sit here and wonder. What is wrong with me that I feel like I am unworthy of marriage? What am I doing wrong? At this age it feels as though there are men who are afraid of commitment, married men who just want a side piece of fun, or divorced men who are jaded and swear off marriage forever... As hard as it is I have to believe that isn't just me and I need to change my way of thinking about what I want out of life. It's been a difficult road and living on my own for over a year and buying my own house has been THE MOST challenging time in my life and I have learned a lot of lessons. I know one day it won't be this hard and that it's possible to meet someone who wants the same things in life that I do. I just need to live life day by day and soak in all the experiences that the universe gives me. Falling in love is easy but staying in love is work. Always respect each other and always keep pursuing your partner even if you already "have them".