How Do You Know Someone Is 'The One'?

I really want to answer this question because, like others who may have asked the same thing, I struggled with it myself for years, especially when I started to seriously date and have relationships. I started having desires to get married when I was young, and it became my almost every thought: boys, dating, relationships, marriage, having kids. I actually thought something was wrong with me because of how often I had these thoughts and desires, especially with how young I was. I remember praying to God and going into scripture hoping to find something about me, almost directly, that I could apply to my life to answer the questions I had about who do I look for when it comes to my future husband, how do I know if he’s the right one for me, etc. And I’d end up becoming depressed because I felt God wasn’t helping me because I wasn’t getting the answers I was seeking as well as I was reading the Bible almost like a fortune cookie to help with my specific life when it’s really a narrative about Jesus and how he redeemed humanity. As I’ve grown up and my walk with Jesus has grown, my perspective on that question changed as well as what it really meant.

So to answer that question, “How do you know someone is ‘The One’,” this may upset some of you or even ruin your fairytale happily ever after ending, but I don’t think there’s such a thing. I think our society has influenced us with Nicholas Sparks and Disney to give us that idea.

Now, why do I believe that, and how did I come to this conclusion?

1. I think it’s illogical.

If there was someone who got married to someone they thought was “the one,” thousands of years ago, then what would happen if they married the wrong one? That person would have married someone else’s one and that person would marry someone else’s one and it would end up tearing down the lineage well into history. So it just doesn’t logically make sense. If one person messes it up then it’s over for the rest of us.

2. I think it puts too much pressure on the other person.

Usually, it’s us, women, who have this ideal or perfect person we want: he can’t do this or that, he can’t say or partake in that, it’s almost like a checklist that he has to fulfill in order for him to be good enough, which is contrary to how Jesus teaches us because He accepts us as we are. But, what ends up happening is, we end up upholding or uplifting this ideal that no person can satisfy but Jesus, and then this pressure is then placed on the guy that burdens him because he can’t bear it and it destroys him. No matter how good he may treat you, no matter how loving, respectful, and committed he is, you want him to be a little more, do a little bit better.

The truth is, for men and women, our goal isn’t to find “the one” but rather to prepare ourselves to be “the one.” And I think, if we’re honest, we’re just lazy and/or maybe a little selfish. We want to find that someone that has all the attributes and characteristics we want because they make our lives easy and we don’t have to change ourselves.

So I would say there’s no such thing as “the one.” Stop, and don’t worry about the pressure to think there is “the one” and that God will get mad if you pick incorrectly.

Focus on you, surround yourself with church community, with people who love you and will help you learn and grow.

Instead, ask yourself these questions: “How can I become a better person for that spouse? How can I better serve them?” Because if you hold onto this ideal of “the one,” then when they mess up or make you upset, you kind of are a slave to them because you react to it, but when you’re resting and placing your identity in who God is, then you can give them grace, forgiveness, and love when they make mistakes because your identity is no longer in them but in Jesus.

So just pick whoever you want! I know it sounds unromantic, but if you’re in the church community, you have people and mentors that love and help you grow. Choose whoever you want. Now, if you’re not in that, I do believe you could risk picking the “wrong person.”

I mean, if you look in Acts Chapter 1, the apostles actually drew straws to see who would be the next apostle. They trusted God so much because they were in intimacy with Him and had a relationship with Him. They trusted Him to pick the right one.

At the end of the day, it’s not about finding “the one,” but treating that person with love, grace, forgiveness, and mercy and you can do that with anyone!