How Do You Know When You Know?

"When you know, you just know!"

It's what every elderly person and married couple tells their single relatives or friends about finding true love. No matter what the circumstances of someone finding their partner were, they all claim to have "just known" they'd found their person.

Growing up, I thought it was all bullshit.

"There is no way you can just KNOW as soon as you meet someone! You don't know anything about them! Fate isn't real!" These were my constant thoughts throughout my adolescence and even the start of my adult life.

Sure, I dated people. Most of them, honestly, were terrible. Many of them were unfaithful. I spent a year with a man who was still married for the first six months of our relationship and I didn't even know it until after we broke up.

I thought I loved some of these people. Maybe, in some way, I had. But somehow I still never felt fulfilled by it. It was never enough. It felt like forced love. And although I knew none of them were "the one," I'd lie to myself and to other people just to make my life seem more perfect than it was.

When I was in therapy, I was trying very hard to find someone. And it was failing. Every time it felt like I'd met someone decent, they'd disappear (because "ghosting" exists now and it sucks). So every few months I'd come into my therapist's office and vent about how shitty online dating was. And she always gave me the same advice:

"Honestly, just give up on it. Delete the apps, whatever you need to do. Stop making it a priority and it will work out."

I tried to tell myself I was giving up on dating for months, but there I was, still swiping my way through every app I could find. Seeing the same faces on each one. It was exhausting.

One day in mid-August, I took a good look at myself and realized I was wasting so much energy and emotion on trying to date that I was wrecking my personal well-being. I was ready to give up on it. So I started to delete all of the apps from my phone. While I was in the middle of doing this, I got a message from someone new. I glanced at his profile and immediately recognized him as a guy I went to high school with. I'd never spoken to him then, but I decided to answer.

We have been together for about three months. It's been easily the most fulfilling and healthy relationship I've ever had. We actually found out that the day he messaged me, mid-app deletion, was the very day he'd downloaded that same app. I was the first person he talked to after downloading it.

About a week ago I realized we'd never done the "Facebook official" thing, so I did it spontaneously. While our families and friends were reacting to it, he told me he felt badly that he hadn't done it much sooner. I asked him why. I also hadn't done it until that moment. No big deal. His response?

"Because I knew you were the girl for me instantly."

When you know, you just know.

It's a feeling I can't explain adequately. I try to talk myself through it and even then, I stumble through my thoughts. He simply is the person I'm supposed to be with. He just is.

There is complete trust and openness (which is scary in and of itself when you've always dealt with manipulative assholes who cheat). There is side-splitting, tear-inducing, borderline maniacal laughter. There is security and safety. There is pure joy, even when one of us has a bad day.

My advice for anyone trying to date and who is miserable as a result? Give up on it. When you're ready, of course. But give yourself a reprieve. Delete the apps. Get rid of the people in your contacts or social media who have hurt you or left you. Take the time for yourself. Things will fall into place.

And someday, you'll know when you've found your person, too.