How I Found Out I Was Asexual

I always thought that sex was weird. Watching movies growing up, I thought it was unnecessary. I thought, “How could anyone want this. Why is this a thing that should be included in movies.” It was a weird sight. It felt like I was watching a super intimate part of these character’s lives. That I shouldn't be watching this. The concept of sex didn’t click as this thing that people do all the time, and that they enjoy. I always avoided looking at these things in movies. They were in so many different movies, that it was crazy. It seemed so weird and unnatural to me.

Then comes the things at school. People talked about dating and not being a virgin. I didn’t get why not being a virgin was such a strange thing for people. I knew that you had to have sex with a person to get it. But what is it about people that makes you want to do it with them. Like I had tiny crushes on people who looked really pretty but it was only in a I-want-to-hold-their-hand kind of way. I never really wanted to kiss them or go any further with them.

Then came out the Jacob or Edward debate from Twilight. I was on the neither train. They were both really bad and creepy and I didn’t get why she liked Edward in the first place. There was also the big John Cena phase that all of the girls went through in middle school. That was kind of weird. And everyone having posters and pictures of different ‘hot’ guys. I could see the aesthetic attraction but not the comments about wanting to kiss them or wanting them to be their boyfriends. Like they were basing it purely on the looks of these guys. Why would you only want to date someone that you barely know just because they look pretty. Like, there was a time that a friend showed me a picture of a guy with a lot of muscles and asked what I thought of him. And in my mind I thought, “He looks like a manlier John Cena.” And smiled because that was such a strange thought. And she immediately said, “See he put a smile on your face”. And turned around and left. Like, she thought that I saw him as hot. I didn’t. I saw and amusing similarity between him and John Cena. It was a strange experience.

And then I got my first ‘boyfriend’ and he kissed me. I felt nothing except that it was kind of nice. But there wasn’t a connection besides that it was just a kiss. And he wanted to do it all the time. I know he wanted to go further but there was no want on my end. But I sort of pretended there was because he was an interesting guy that I liked. And well, as someone who didn’t really feel much in that sense I felt open enough to talk about those things with anyone. And he wanted to talk about that stuff non-stop. And wouldn’t really know what to talk about either. It was tedious and confusing. So I stopped it.

After a while looking on the internet, I found a post with the different definitions for sexualities. I saw asexuality and it felt like everything fit into place. I didn’t find people sexually attractive based off of looks. I am not aromantic though. I still want to have the intimacy of a relationship. But sex isn’t in the equation. After finding that one definition that put everything in place, I started to do more research. I started to look at other people’s personal accounts and other more detailed definitions of the word. As I looked more and more, I found a place that I felt like I could belong. A place that made sense with other people that understood what I was going through. That had been through similar experiences. I found out that I was asexual and that I didn’t need to pretend to think people were hot to fit in. That I could be proud of this word that explained who I was. That I now knew who I was and I didn’t need other people to feel ok with myself.