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The expression “When you know, you know” did not apply to me at all when deciding to marry my husband and baby daddy of almost four years.
My whole life the stories I heard and movies I watched about people falling in love, led me to believe that it was going to be easy. That it was going to be a love at first sight type of feeling. And when I saw my friends dating their now husbands and how happy and blissful their process was, it didn’t ever occur to me that I might get questions or doubts. Which led me to set expectations in my mind that were not fair at all to my husband or me. I truly believed that when I met my husband I would have no questions at all that he would be ‘the one.’ And wow was I in for a rude awakening….
I met my husband on a blind date. His best friend and my best friend were dating at the time and they wanted to set us up. Of course, I was really hesitant to go on the date at first because hello...blind date. When do they ever work out and when are they ever not awkward? But I decided to go anyway because my friend wanted me to and I thought, why not?
I’ll spare you the romance-y details and long story of us dating but obviously, the first date went super well and we continued to date and I fell in love with him! The first few months of us dating were incredible! We saw each other every day, we laughed all the time, we became best friends, we were inseparable! He had everything I had ever wanted in a husband, even things I never thought of before. He was everything that I had ever pictured for myself. I always tell him that he’s that guy from the movies that is so perfect and romantic that every girl wants because it’s so true. He was literally perfect.
Then when we started getting more serious and talking about marriage, I started to freak out. I started questioning everything about us. I got anxiety about our whole relationship and I felt like a ticking time bomb. Eventually, I told him that I needed a break for a little bit to figure things out and take a breath. Well our ‘break’ didn’t last very long (a grand total of two and a half days) and everything went back to normal. But after about another week I started doubting and getting anxiety again and going back and forth about him literally every hour it seemed liked. I couldn’t sleep and I would stay up all night just trying and figure it all out.
I started to ask people their opinions which was the absolute last thing I should have been doing. They would tell me their stories of falling in love and I would automatically start comparing my relationship with theirs. I started to get even more in my head about it thinking “Well so-and-so said they ‘just knew’ they were supposed to marry their spouse so how come I don’t feel that way?” Or “They think it’s a bad sign I’m so back and forth so should I just end it?” And from there it just spiraled.
I got jealous of other people and asked myself, why was it not like that for me? How come I kept going back and forth? Why was I doubting so much? Everybody else didn’t seem to. And if everybody else had felt a different way, then shouldn’t I?
I thought I needed a huge sign from the universe that he was the one. I thought I needed to not question it at all for it to be real. I thought I needed an answer from somebody to tell me what to do.
So after thinking about that a lot and comparing our relationship to soooo many others, I broke up with him. I felt that if I was so back and forth about it then I should just end it before it got even more serious. But breaking up was HARD. He took it horribly and said that he was going to start taking me ring shopping and didn’t know what went wrong. And I couldn’t stop crying…for days. I had never been so miserable in my entire life. Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Not being with him was the worst feeling I could have ever imagined. I didn’t feel whole anymore. But then I started asking myself why was I feeling like this after I had been so back and forth with him? I thought that breaking up with him would make everything better….right?
Later that week I talked to my brother about it and he gave me some great advice. He said that you need to decide for yourself if that person is the right one and tune out all the other opinions, because down the road when it gets tough you can’t blame someone else for choosing that person for you. It has to be your decision. You need to remember WHY you decided to marry them. You have to want to be with them. Then he asked me a few key questions I had never forgotten..
“Do you want to marry him?”
That’s when it clicked for me. I realized love isn’t just a feeling, it’s a choice. And when he asked me that question, I immediately said yes and knew that deep down, I had always wanted to marry him. I knew that I couldn’t live without him and being separated from him clarified that even more for me. I needed him and everything that he was, in my life. I needed and wanted to grow old with him and never spend a single second away from him again.
After that realization, we got back together and you can guess what happened next. (Mawwaige.) And I’m happy to say, it has literally been the best decision I have ever made! I’ve had no regrets and no anxiety about it since! I’ve woken up every day, choosing to love him. And he’s made me the happiest person that I have ever been!
So what I’m trying to say is, it’s okay if it’s not like a Disney movie. It’s okay if your love story has some bumps in the road. Sometimes people have to break up to figure out that they are supposed to be together. Sometimes people just know the whole time and don’t doubt at all. Every situation is different so don’t compare your relationship to anybody else’s. Life isn’t perfect, so why think that your love life will be? Love is just as much a choice as it is a feeling. In the end, you just need to make your choice and love it and then, enjoy the ride.