How to Approach Black Women

In my experience as a Black woman, one of the most interesting topics I’ve discussed with other Black women is how men approach us. To be specific, how non-Black men approach us. It’s a complex experience and varies from person to person. However, there are some commonalities amongst those I have encountered.

Let’s be honest. Black women have a reputation. There are certain stereotypes associated with Black women and despite how untrue they may be, they appear as fact for those who are unfamiliar with us. Instead of initiating real life experiences with Black women, many people accept what is presented on television and in media. In turn, their encounters with Black women (and perhaps Black people in general) are for lack of a better word, awkward.

I am fully aware that there are many non-Black men who genuinely seek to develop relationships with Black women. And I also understand that they simply do now know how. They may be hesitant because they don’t want to be offensive or fear being immediately rejected. (Black women tend to have a reputation for publicly humiliating suitors). In efforts to assist those who find themselves in these circumstances, I have curated a special list of tips. I hope those interested find them helpful and wish them best in their romantic pursuits.

1. Don’t Start Political

In my experience, the key mistake non-Black men make in approaching Black women is beginning with political commentary. We already live in a politically and culturally sensitive time. Particularly as Black women, no one realizes that more than us. We are very much aware of our race so it’s not necessary to begin our relationship by honing in on that. Save the racial jokes; they’re not funny anyways. If you want to establish an authentic connection with a Black woman, avoid starting with the political.

2. Be Confident

Perhaps the easiest way to portray confidence (even when you’re really not) is to simply be comfortable with yourself. Don’t feel compelled to assume a new persona to appease someone new. More than likely, a woman is going to see through the facade anyhow. Acceptance of self is sexy. The more comfortable and relaxed you are with yourself, the more we will be with you. Black women generally appreciate fully confident men so work on this skill and you’re well on your way!

3. Don’t Fetishize Us

It’s only five minutes into the conversation and you’ve already mentioned how you love her chocolate skin, full lips, textured hair, and beautiful, dark eyes. Those are all excellent comments but pace yourself. Immediately compounding compliment after compliment gives the impression that you’re only interested in our aesthetic. You want to explore “the Other.” It seems shallow and is an ultimate turn off. It’s certainly okay to be attracted to these features of Black women but be mindful of how and when you express these sentiments. Even if your intent is pure it can be perceived the wrong way.

4. Don’t Tell Us About Your “Black Friends”

Or your neighbors, coworkers, family members, etc. It’s tacky and if it’s our first time meeting, we probably don’t care. Immediately delving into your frivolous connections with Black people gives the impression you’re desperate to establish a connection and that alone lets us know that you’re inexperienced with Black people. You don’t have to prove yourself to us just as we do not have to prove ourselves to you. If the opportunity conveniently presents itself, it’s okay to mention a friend/associate of color. But do not intentionally seek to establish a connection based purely on the fact that you know other Black people.

5. Express Humility, Ask Questions

For those who are interested in Black women but are unfamiliar with us, the best step forward is being humble. There may be certain cultural norms surrounding relationships and family that are new to you. Be open-minded and ask questions to learn more about us. Chances are that we’ll appreciate your curiosity and reciprocate it. It is much more admirable to admit you are unfamiliar with something rather than pretend otherwise.

If you are actively seeking a relationship with a Black woman, I wish you the very best. Be mindful of the assumptions you’re ingesting from society and reflect on how you can change those as you develop your relationship(s). Black women will surely appreciate that and our community at large certainly will.