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How To Date a Trans Person

Five steps to not fuck up.

By g. whilesPublished 7 years ago 5 min read
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Sometimes cisgender people find themselves in a relationship with a transgender person. Often times the cis person doesn't know how to act and fucks up. So, I've decided to save some trouble for both the cis and trans people by making a list of everything you should or shouldn't do while in a relationship with a trans person. You'll thank me. And of course, some of this can apply when you're just friends with a trans person or you need a lesson on how to be a decent person. A small disclaimer that not all trans people are or act the same, this is just a guideline to help people out.

1. Their past is history.

One of the things I always hear a cis person ask is what a trans person's "real name" is. So, this goes out to all you cis people. Do not, under any circumstance, ask unsolicited questions about a transgender person's past. Trans people don't want you asking what their name used to be, and they sure as hell don't want you calling it their "real name."

Second, don't ask what they used to look like. If a trans person wants to show you old pictures, they will, but don't demand or ask if you can see them. Also, don't use phrases like "when you were a girl/boy." That's not cool or polite.

2. If you wouldn't ask a cis person, don't ask a trans person.

This one's really really important, and it usually has to do with surgeries. Basically, a lot of trans people get surgeries to help them live a happier life, and a lot of trans people don't get surgeries to help them live a happier life. It is not okay to ask a trans person what surgeries they have gotten or want to get.

The only people that need to know what surgeries a trans person has had or will get is themselves, their doctors, and the person they are sleeping with. However, it's not okay to have gone on three dates with a trans person and ask them if they have a dick or vagina. Just don't talk about trans surgeries. It's not that complicated.

3. The closet isn't a hiding place.

Trans people, at one point in their life, are in the closet. This does not mean that they are ashamed of who they are. There are millions of reasons as to why trans people haven't come out to certain people. If you date a trans person, make sure you know who they are out to and if they aren't out, how you should act.

Often times a trans person will have you call them by another name and pronouns when you're around different people. This is only because a trans person doesn't feel comfortable being out to this group of people. What this means for you is that you have to be aware of who they are out to, who they aren't, and what to call them when around people that don't know.

Another thing is, you may be proud of who you're with and want to tell the world, but don't. Do not out them. Do not say things like "my trans boyfriend/girlfriend/partner" to people. It creates a stigma and makes trans people uncomfortable. You may be as proud and out as you want, but ask what your partner is comfortable with. Communication is definitely key here.

4. When it comes to sex, always ask.

This may be obvious, but before you do something sexual, you need to ask if it's okay. This happens in every relationship, however, there are just extra precautions you should take when you're in a relationship with a trans person.

For instance, I, as a trans guy, am incredibly uncomfortable with my vagina being labeled as a "female" part, and I am pretty uncomfortable with pregnancy and pregnancy kinks. If you've ever read or watched any demeaning "pregnancy" porn, a lot of times a cis guy will go on and on about how he wants to see if he can get the person pregnant, and that he hopes he will. Most trans guys are not okay with this. So, don't. There are also trans guys that aren't comfortable with vaginal sex, and some that aren't comfortable with oral sex being done to them.

So, ask what is and isn't okay to call their genitals, and ask whether it's okay to do something before you do it.

5. Trans people are not Google.

This is one of the most important rules to have when dating, friending, and interacting with trans people. Transgender people are not Google, they are not Wikipedia, and they are definitely not an encyclopedia. A lot of the times, cis people expect trans people to answer all of their questions.

Some questions are okay, but don't expect trans people to be willing to play twenty questions. If you can easily google something about the transgender community or being trans, then you don't need to always be bothering trans people, especially the one you are dating or are trying to date. So please, do not use trans people as your source for everything. Do your own research and leave trans people alone.

Also, here's a small bonus since there's been some news about a fucked up "comedian" laying down jokes about killing trans women.

+1. Trans isn't HIV/Aids.

Transgender people do not need to disclose their gender identity. Trans people can tell you whenever they feel comfortable, but they are not, under any circumstances, obligated to tell you that they are trans. You cannot be mad at them because they didn't feel comfortable enough to tell you. Stop demanding trans people to put themselves in uneasy situations just so you can know if you're dating a tranny or not.

So, to summarize, be considerate and kind when dating trans people. Don't treat them like toys or objects, don't harass them, and don't treat them like your personal encyclopedia. Treat them like human beings and everything should be okay.

Have a good day!

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About the Creator

g. whiles

he/they. queer writer just trying to find my place (corny, i know).

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