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I found myself in a very rocky relationship, and after that ended, I felt lost. I fled to the nearest person to be with, and when I had convinced myself I was “better,” they broke my heart too. So, I did what any girl does when she is in pain... I researched why. Why, how.. and what to do. I learned a lot, and I feel it’s best to share all of this information with others who are struggling as well.
First off, it is okay to love. Do not feel like it is your fault for loving a person. Love is natural and perfectly okay to do. Just sometimes we love the wrong people, and that can be hard.
You may find someone who is the love of your life, or maybe it is a rocky path since the very beginning, whatever the type, there was still love. Since you found yourself on this article, I assume things turned for the worse, which is OKAY! Relationships do end, and there are many ways to get over them. Before we discuss those, let’s discuss the reason for heartbreak.
When you love someone, you are filled with euphoria. When you start dating someone you are really interested in, your brain releases a lot of happy chemicals to get you to like the person more. That’s why there is a “honeymoon phase,” which can last anywhere from a month to even two years! But once that honey moon phase ends, a lot of people take that as them falling out of love, and that can get really tough.
Just because you don’t feel the butterflies anymore, does not mean you don’t love that person. So keep that in mind.
Now, once the relationship ends, you hurt. Bad. The reason for this is the part of your brain that feels physical pain gets triggered. You find yourself almost mourning the relationship, and it is because you are going through withdrawals.
Yes, withdrawal symptoms are not something you only feel when you smoke cigarettes and try to quit or you try to get clean. You also feel them when the person you had grown attached to is not there anymore. It’s because your brain isn’t releasing those happy chemicals, and is now triggering pain reflexes. It becomes a mess, and chances are, you may just be feeding into it.
Before we continue this article, I’m going to ask you to do one of the hardest things you can do. Delete. EVERYTHING. No more texts for you to read at night, no looking at old pictures from your first date. Don’t stalk their Instagram, and especially do not try to text or call them. In fact, maybe you should just delete their number. (Nothing better than when they try to call you to get you back and you pick up with a “I’m sorry, who is this?” Always be a queen/king.)
Now that you have the past out of the way, we can focus on the now and your future! I have to start by saying... you have to be sad. It’s almost a must for every heartbreak. You can’t be a boss everyday of your life, so if you want to skip going partying with your bros to watch romcoms in your pajamas and eat ice cream, or maybe you told your gal pals you weren’t up to any online gaming tonight, that’s okay. Don’t feel bad for mourning a past relationship.
You can feel sad as long as you like, as long as it doesn’t control your life.
After you have been sad for a couple days, take a shower, clean up, look nice, then read the rest of this article.
There are many ways to get over a break up, but the top three will always be “work on yourself,” “talk sh*t on your ex,” and “get back out there.” Now, these MAY work for you, but no two people are the same. Maybe you have to accept the relationship is what it is, and get over it. Maybe you need to vandalize your ex’s house and slash their tires. I don’t know! (Please don’t do anything illegal though.)
I found this method one night that did wonders for me. It’s a combination of a few: mourning, then saying what’s bad about your ex, saying what you loved about them (and realizing you can find that in other people), and finally, thinking happy thoughts that don’t relate at all to your ex (or if they do, it’s happy things that you can do without them).
For example, Darian (name changed for privacy) was severely emotional and not stable as a person at all. They made irresponsible decisions and thought on a whim. I liked him because he made me feel really cared for, he made me laugh, and I felt a genuine connection with him. Now, I have friends that care about me, I’ve had complete strangers ask me if I’m okay. They cared about me. And that genuine connection I felt with him... I felt the same thing with a different ex, and I can feel that again. Not to mention I laugh every single day with my friends, or even at the TV, because Darian was not the center of my joy, I was. And now that I’m not dating someone with Arachnophobia, I can get the Tarantula I’ve wanted for a year! Yay!
Doing this over and over really helped, I got over the idea that he was “the one” by facing the fact that he wasn’t unique and I could find millions of people in the world who acted just like him. It was enlightening.
Now, if you don’t feel better immediately, that’s okay. I’m still hurt over Darian. I’m still hurt over my abusive ex that I broke up with half a year ago. Healing takes time, the main thing is that you work on being better, and never blame yourself for being sad. Even if you were the person that left and you regret it now! Relationships are hard, and if you left, it was probably for a reason, no matter how big or how small.
Now that you know my mental technique, I’ll tell you what else I did and what’s best for you. First off, don’t block out your friends. You need them and their companionship more than ever right now. Even if you don’t want to talk about it, invite them over for pizza and ice cream, go out and play online games with them, do a huge Skype call and talk for hours about unrelated stuff! Embrace the love your friends feel for you, and work on the love you feel for yourself.
Second, work on yourself. You can exercise if you want, or learn to climb a tree. Hey, maybe you finally decided that you were going to learn to play D&D with the friend that’s been pestering you to play. Don’t let this stop you from growing as a person. Instead, use this opportunity to mold into someone completely new and different with many hobbies and skills.
Maybe you don’t have time to pick up anything new? Move your living room around, paint the walls of your house. Maybe you should buy a pet snake, or set up an aquarium of salt water fish. There is so much you can do to help yourself, and to grow as a person. Which is a huge thing to do after someone else was part of your life. Once they leave, you just have to grow enough to fill in the spot they left.
Moving on is something a lot of people have trouble with. What they don’t realize is... you don’t have to date someone else to move on. You can just accept the relationship as it is; over. Moving on is getting over your ex, whether you do that by replacing them, or learning to love yourself is up to you.
Only you know what exactly you want, and it will take time before you get on the right track. But I believe in you, you can get past this! You are all strong and deserve the best from life.