How to Heal a Heartbreak

The first and most important step in healing from a heartbreak is loving yourself and knowing that you are whole all on your own. There is no one on this planet that should mean more to you than you do to yourself. You cannot be at your best potential or love anyone else or take care of anyone else or achieve anything you want to achieve if you are not important to yourself first.

No matter what level this person is in your life, you are never less important than them. You have to hold yourself to a standard of being just as important as that other person; no more, no less. If you keep that equilibrium of holding your own worth to at least the level of just as important as the other person, your relationships will thrive not only with others, but with yourself. Never, ever hold someone else to a higher standard than you hold yourself. If you do, you’re never going to find someone who is worthy enough of your time and heart.

As I said, if there is one key to healing from heartbreak, it’s knowing that you are whole all on your own. If you go to the mirror with no one else in the room, it’s you and you alone in that mirror. You will see that you are whole even with this pain. There is nothing wrong with you, you are not missing anything, your heart is not broken because it’s still beating. It may be damaged, it may be fragile, but it is never not as whole as the you that you see standing in that mirror. You have survived this because you decided to fight through it and keep going regardless of the hurt. You did that all on your own, recognize that.

When you feel a stab of pain, be mindful of what you were just doing or thinking about when the pain occurred. Make note of this and do your best at refraining from doing that thing or thinking that thought again. Sometimes thoughts are automatic. If painful ones come up, acknowledge it, and then tell it to fuck off. The more you do this, the more your brain will recognize that those thoughts are not relevant to your everyday life and it will eventually filter them out on its own. It’s been proven that physical neural pathways that are involved in physical pain are on the same path as those involved in emotional pain. That is why heartbreak literally feels like your heart is broken. You have to take care of your heart in the same way as you would a sprained ankle. Nurse it, be gentle with it, and protect yourself. Eventually, it will heal on its own with the proper time and care.

Don’t go on social media, or better yet, delete the app altogether for the time being. You can unfollow the person, but that won’t do you any good considering you know you’re still going to keep checking their account anyway. Stop checking anything at all that has to do with them. Stop checking to see if they’ve opened your Snapchat because if they don’t respond to it, what’s the point of seeing if it’s opened or not? If this is important enough for you to keep checking, you’re going to become weaker every time you do it. It doesn’t matter if they respond or not, it doesn’t matter if they view your story or comment or like any of your posts. These things are not important. Even if you are with this person, if these things are important to you, you are not only not valuing your relationship with them, if there is one at all, but you’re also not valuing what you find important within yourself. Social media does not hold nearly as much importance than you think. It isn’t important at all.

Don’t expect anything. If you’re hoping that every notification you get is them, then every time it isn’t from them, it’ll make you feel worse every single time your phone lights up. If these things are causing you any type of distress, take a break from your phone. Keep it in a different room or on the other side of the room, keep it in your bag, keep it out of sight and on silent or off completely when you know you don’t absolutely need it. Don’t wake up and have your first thought be a hope that you have some kind of notification from them. Stop waiting for something to happen. If something does then great; but if it doesn’t, it will only disappoint you, which will in turn hurt you even more.

Don’t go to bed in silence, this is the worst time you could possibly be alone. Turn on a sound machine, music, a podcast, keep the TV on, something that you can audibly pay attention to in order to keep your mind from wandering back to them. Do this every single night or else there will be that one silent night that will put you a step behind your progress. If you’re a bath taker, which you totally should be if you’re not, this rule goes for those times too. No silence, it will ruin you in your most vulnerable times.

Throw yourself into your work whether it be your actual job, school, hobbies, or something you’re passionate about that gives your life purpose. Have that replace everything negative that’s going on in your life. Block everything out and focus on every detail of what you’re working toward. You can also find a show that you can invest in, be a part of their world and involve yourself in their stories to escape from your own for a little while.

If they are possibly or definitely with someone else, don’t keep checking that person’s accounts either. It’s not going to make anything better considering you’re probably going to get down on yourself about how much prettier you think she is than you. Just because she is beautiful, does not mean that you aren’t beautiful, too. Just because she may be your version of perfect, does not mean that you are not worthy enough of holding yourself to that standard, too. She and you are equal. She is no better than you just because she has something or someone that you want, and you are not any less valuable because you do not have that something or someone that she has.

Remove yourself from the situation. Where you put your focus is where your energy is going to go. The more energy you put into something, the more emotion you put into it. When something has too much of your emotion, negative or not, it is taking your power. Do not let the immense emotions that you’re attaching to this take your power. If you feel broken from this, it’s because you’ve given this person or situation too much of your power. Pull your focus away for this and your brain will eventually stop attaching the current emotions to it. Take back your power, no one has the right to take it away from you. Change the type of energy you give your emotions, and you will gain back all of the power that’s been stolen from you. If you were meant to be, it would have worked out by now. And if it really is meant to be, you can’t sit around and wait for it to happen and you can’t force it to happen. It will happen when it’s supposed to.

Even though you’ll want to isolate yourself because of the pain you’re feeling, try to break free of that. You have a right to sit in your room and cry, but it is not ok to make a habit of this. Go out with your friends, even if you have to force yourself to. There are people who care about you that are more important that the person who you’re pining over. Shift your negative energy from the situation into positive energy you can receive from those who care.

What’s more painful: someone breaking your heart, or you breaking your own heart?

There is a right answer to this one. Even though someone else hurt you, it is not a reflection of who you are. It is not their fault that they don’t see you how they used to, and it is not your fault for feeling like you weren’t good enough when it ended. If you are creating this heartbreak yourself, that will be 10 times more painful than someone else doing it for you. You made the bed you’ve been laying in. You have the ability to create whatever possible outcome you want, and when you do that, you expect more than you are ever going to get. When you make this person out to be who they may not be, when you create this life with them that isn’t happening in the external world, you are digging a hole deeper and deeper and eventually you’re going to bury yourself alive in it. Recognize what it is that you are doing to unintentionally hurt yourself.

Take a deep breath. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. You're going to be ok. <3