Hayli Pearce
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How to Love

How I learned I was emotionally abused.

How do you love someone instead of worship them? How would I know, I only use people or worship the ground they walk on. It's how I came to be alone with only a few close friends. I used to be the nicest person ever. No one ever hated me, throughout high school I was just the quiet girl that would hang out with you when you needed a friend and not tell a sole what was told to me. I would never start anything and I believed that everyone got what was coming to them, so imagine my surprise when my life was exploding and I was seriously considering not being alive anymore. Well it would be a whole lot easier because I wouldn't have to deal with anything. I would be free from all the pain and misery I brought upon myself. But that would be so unfair to the people I love, even if I did disappoint everyone I've ever cared about.

It's crazy what the body can endure - the pain, the hunger, the panic. I mean I went a week without eating anything, my wildest imagination controlling my thoughts and in constant pain from hurting the person I loved the most. Well at least the one I thought I loved the most.

Love is such a tricky thing. It is the most powerful emotion in the human body, well according to me at least, although I feel like a lot of people would agree with me. It controls every other emotion and heightens them. When you are so in love you are blinded from everything around you and are ignorant to your actions even if it is hurting someone else, even if it is hurting you. How is it that love can get so twisted in peoples' brains. They think they're doing something for the person they love and later on find out it destroyed someone. It's amazing two people can even make love work. It's because it's the thing everyone wants - to be loved. It gets you higher than all of the drugs in the world ever could because it makes you feel important and wanted. Don't get me wrong there are lots of other things that can do that too but nothing like the way love makes you feel.

And worship? Well it's a lot like love. I loved my ex boyfriend, don't get me wrong but I worshiped him more than anything. I thought we were going to be together forever, I thought he was the one true love for me and I was so infatuated with him. But with infatuation and worship came something that looked a lot like love but was really its evil twin. I would blindly follow that man anywhere and I trusted him with my life. I would do anything for him and say anything just to make him happy. So much so that I lost sight of what made me happy. I was so focused on always being there for him and never wanting to disappoint him that I couldn't even tell him what I wanted to eat for dinner because I was worried he wouldn't want the same thing and how dare I be the source of any other emotion except for his happiness. That man had complete and utter control of me and he didn't even know it.

When you worship people you never want to see them upset with you or disappointed in you. You do everything in your power to prevent this from happening even if it means holding back your feelings. I tried so hard to tell him how I felt but every time I knew it would hurt him or make him upset my throat would close up and I physically could not tell him. There were so many things I wish I could have said. I would think to myself just do it. Let it out you'll feel so much better. He's asking how you feel he wants to know. Yet every time I couldn't do it. Knowing it would cause him the slightest hurt it was better for me to hold it in and be upset rather than upset someone else right? We were taught as kids that if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all and this is what they meant right?

I put myself through emotional hell and I didn't know why I was doing it or why I couldn't make it stop. Because as I child I was taught to worship not love. I was emotionally abused into believing that my emotions didn't matter and had no comparison to the one I truly loved. I was suppose to do everything in my power to make them happy at any cost and it turns out that cost was me. I lost my sanity, my dignity, my love for the world and myself and all because of my best friend when I was younger. I was taught the one person that was suppose to be there for you and care for you the most and listen to your feelings taught me to worship her instead of learning to love like a normal human being.

There are so many things I would tell my ex boyfriend, so many things I would say to explain everything that happened and everything I felt and now I will never get to say those. He will never get to know how sorry I am and how I wish I found this out sooner and I was able to tell him how I really felt. I will never get to fully explain why this happened as I just figured it out now. The only thing I can do is write and share my story with the world so that someone will listen because as much as I wish I could tell you now it's too late.  

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