How to Spot a Tourist

Dating tourist is not easy, so after hitting my head on the wall several times, I now master the art of detecting one. The worst is my actual paradoxical realization: dating a tourist is dreadful but they are the best! While dating a tourist sucks due to long distance, dating New Yorkers is nearly impossible!

Most people love being a tourist. How about if you live in a city where there are tourists in flocks? Well, you can argue that is a really nice thing, since the city may be filled with skyscrapers and attractions, amazing nightlife and great job opportunities. How about if this city is made of stressed people who are too busy to date and you end up meeting tourists? How interesting must it be, right? yes, it is interesting… Only in the beginning! Why? Let’s bullet point how amazing it is to date a tourist:

1- You are always alone on holidays;

2- Your life is made of video calls. And gosh, makeup becomes your best friend. Remember, a bad connection doesn’t choose your best angle. Many times you are speaking and the camera freezes with your face looking like a monkey. Just not what you expect your boyfriend to be staring at) How about if you decide to have cyber sex? Forget it, even more dangerous, I will let you conclude that one.

3- Your airfare expenses skyrocket. (How about if you hate airplanes?)

4- You need really good spies to find out where your lover is up to when his/her WIFI mysteriously goes off.

5- Your hugging partner becomes your pillow, so make sure you get one that resembles your lover.

6- Meeting up your lover relies on work schedules, and airfares prices. Forget about your ovulation or period, that isn't relevant ever.

When I dated long distance, I was quiet because of the uncertainty of the future. I waited for the transition from “seeing someone” to officially dating for more than a year. I longed for his company. I was stuck in the moment, all I could think was traveling to see him and I even refused work. Every time we met up, it felt like a honeymoon. Imagine meeting someone 5 days in a roll a month. Yes, the extremes: I was alone most of the time, but the 5 percent we spent together compensated all, we would be in the “lalaland” vacationing somewhere. Routine would never damage our love. Sickness, work complaints, money distress neither! LIFE WAS PERFECT! He thought I farted roses and I thought his breath was made of mint.

Life was perfect just until lust prevailed. When you date long distance you always wonder how would life be seeing your lover every day? How would I feel if we became official? How would he feel living in the same city as I? And in the midst of so much wondering, you end up skipping stages of it. It may be too much or too less! Everything or nothing! In my case, I realized we weren’t comparable after a while. You must change environments, meet his friends, family, or coworkers. The more you see him in different situations, the more you get to know him. And long distance may not offer these opportunities as time, money, or situations may be limited.

The worst part of it is that I seem not to have learned my lesson. I had two other long-distance relationships. Maybe I master the VIP flying business. Maybe I am just too hard-headed. In fact, I suspect the culprit is NYC. Since is quite impossible to find “committable” or “worthy" people to date in NY, we can’t avoid the presence of passerby. They are tempting, happy, exotic, and cultural. Think about it! But how can you spot a tourist?

• Tourist has a “different look”. If you live in Miami, you get sick of the super tanned man. You grow eyes on a different person. If you live in NY you love the tanned guys who appeared in the winter time; a refreshing coastal look when we are trying to survive the snowstorm Armageddon is appealing and eye-catching.
• Tourist has that cool accent. I love accents. They are so sexy, cute, and unique. It also gives a clue to someone’s destination which is totally exciting to me.
• Tourist is most of the time happy. Take the subway and look around. New Yorkers are phone addicted, book fixated or tired looking. When you find a smiley face, most of the times are tourists craving for conversations or to get information.

There are different kinds of tourist:

The lonely one=> a backpacker, hostel lover, the adventurer. He/She is braving himself into the world and will most likely be very friendly since he doesn’t have anyone else to chat up with.

The group tourist=> They come in flocks, family, friends, workers. They may be loud, may be friendly. They are up to have fun and have many things set up already. You will be lucky if you get into a deep conversation with one. But if they are same-sex straight friends, they will be looking for a fun time day and night and so, you will be his aim to enjoy the city better.

The couple tourist=> They are so happy to travel together or getting to know each other. No matter what, they are not much into meeting people, if so they do because they need their coffee ready or their bed made.

The work tourist=> They are the most friendly. They have all reasons to be. Most likely the company is paying for all, and debauchery reign. Yeah, he will pay for your dinner, excuse me, not him, his company will. He is happy to leave his wife and kids home and relive what single life has to offer! Or he is just a lonely guy due to his obligatory frequent work schedule and he will buy you a drink so that he can increase a chance to get into your pants as quickly as possible.

Let’s not take my tourist’s generalizations too serious. Every rule has an exception. And I have fallen for one! I heard crazy happy ending stories of friends dating tourists. One of my friend's mom went on a five days vacation to Jerusalem. On her last day, she met a guy 30 years older than her who fell in love with her. And the rest is history. My friend was born out of this “lucky last day bastard"! Or another one who met his girl in his home country, left NY to return to her arms for good after three years! Waw such happy endings! Yeah, you don’t hear about the Jerusalem mid of story, or the three years of torture my other friend had to live.

To date a tourist you need to be a focused masochist! Unless you don’t desire to move away, unless you don't care to see your lover once a week, a month or a year and don't care about traveling often, unless you are not a good communicator: DO NOT DATE A TOURIST or DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP... and Learn how to spot a tourist and walk away as fast as you can!