I Almost Said 'I Do'

Almost. We've all had one of those almost perfect love stories; the guy we met unexpectedly and believed the accidental unexplainable connection meant "this is it." The conversations begin with our likes and dislikes, and somehow within hours, we're talking about marriage and planning a future. The most exciting part of someone new in our life is we are finally healed from the past heartache. We get those silly, heart beating out of our chest, world series winning kinda feelings again. This one is to the girls who keep letting their guard down countless times with no fear in the world. The girls who love deep and love quick. Once upon a time, that was me. Several times it was me, in fact. Each relationship I've ever started, left, or broken away from began the exact same way. I don't think the problem was how it began. It was, after it all ended, my heart still beating for these people who left me broken hearted several times. My worst habit was never letting myself fully recover from each love. The idea of having them want me again made me feel alive again. Well, over the past week I've started to work on that habit and learn to love myself. Thousands of people say to love your self before dating anyone, and it never really worked that way for me. Except things changed this time around. I'm taking full control over my heart and emotionally damaged self.

Reaching out to people who have hurt us is a natural thing to do. We expect things to change, and they miss the things that used to be. As cheesy as that sounds, lots of people believe it to be true. Lots of nights I would reach out to past exes, and even my lousy ex-fiancé, apologizing to them for being the crazy person I was during the relationship and pushing them away. Some people never even became my significant other, they just were part of the story. The names of people who are in my story each held a significant role, just didn't always hold the title "boyfriend." For example, one person came into my life in-between relationships with the selfish desire to pull me out of a current relationship. Of course, my heart wanted the person who wanted me, and my stupid self left the serious relationship for a temporary feeling. Except he's just on the list of Almosts. Most people fall in love about four times in their life. The high school, college, mid-life piece of dog poop guy, the almost guy, and the happily ever after one. Don't get me wrong, I fell in love in high school, but all the ones after him were the "almost" guy. My heart believed that each guy in my life would be "the one." The amount of faith that was poured into the guy and relationship baffles me now.

About one month ago, I started to write down a list of guys who don't want me the same way I want them anymore. The list was too long, and it got me thinking, "Who actually wants me?" That got me even thinking, "Do I even want myself?" I'm so insanely invented in the past relationships, I can't even find a way to love my self? So that day was hard one, and it hit me a lot harder than expected. Discovering the amount of energy I've invested in people who honestly don't care about me, hurt to admit, and say out loud. Well, strangers of the internet, the time has come for things to change. It was time to delete, erase, and move the hell on. From deleting numbers from my phone, and not let myself send them even the simple, "hello" text. For some people in my phone, the contact name had to change to, " Do not text him," and " Do not call him." I'd never think I'd be so pathetic, but it has helped me a little.

As the days went on, some of the people began to send me little texts here and there, asking how I am, trying to start a flirty conversation with me. Let me be honest, it felt good to say how uninterested I was in them. Because it was getting pieces of me back they took. So I'm going to challenge some of you. Do you have someone who you've kept in your back pocket to text when no one else blows up your phone? As lonely as it feels not to get a message, it is even more lonely to get one from someone who doesn't genuinely care about you. Be honest with yourself, and do what you need to do to feel loved again. I'm cheesy, I'm lame, and this post makes me sound pathetic. That doesn't really matter. I just needed to say for the first time in a week I don't need people who don't want me anymore. That being lonely doesn't make me alone, it makes me learn more about who I am as a person. Plus, just because these assholes are out of my life doesn't mean I'm not ready to date and add to the list of Almosts. I mean hell, maybe, just maybe, the next one will be "the one."