I Cheated

You know that person that everyone despises? The person with a perfect, or so it seems, life partner, but despite that, they still choose to cheat? Well I was that person, or I guess I am that person. I cheated on my boyfriend, which I’ve known and shared a relationship with for years. I won’t give specifics, but I did it. I cheated, and it wasn’t like you see on tv or in movies at all.

There was no big blow up, there was no “I promise I’ll leave him,” there was no “I love you,” and there was no guilt free feelings while moving on. I am guilty in this situation. I want to make that 100% clear. My partner did nothing to deserve this, and there is absolutely no excuse in the universe that makes what I did okay. I have reasons that I thought were relevant at the time, but honestly they were bulls**t. So without further procrastination, here is how I almost ruined my own life.

I went into work feeling pretty good about myself, well not exactly good seeing as I pretty much always hate myself, but that is another story entirely, but that is something to remember, I obviously have low self esteem. So I went into work hating myself a little bit less that day, because I had done my makeup, and realized there was a new guy there. So like any semi outgoing person, which I believed my self to be, I went up, stuck my hand out, and said, “Hi, I’m Marma” and he responded with hey and a lousy hand shake. Over the next week or so I would catch him staring at me, and I started to realize that he spoke with me differently than the others, which of course made me feel like hot s**t. He would tell me he was disappointed I was leaving because I was the only person he could talk to and f**k around with. I should have realized where all of this would lead, but I’m obviously pretty dumb.

So we went out one night and got drunk, we being all of our coworkers, the regular partiers, and I got sloshed. I was very drunk, which is not an excuse, and I realize that now. But I was drunk, he was drunk, and then we drank more after the bars closed, so I would say we were well beyond the point of reasonable thinking. We played a drinking game basically until the sun came up, and then we settled into a friend’s couch. They gave us one blanket so naturally I took it, because I’m selfish, obviously. So this guy decides he wants to try to be sly and is like, “It’s okay, we can just share.” *eyeroll* Red flag number one.

At this point I’m sure you all see where I was just another dumb drunk b***h, but I’ll spell it out for you anyway. He nuzzles into me and is cuddling me and I say, “Look I’m in a committed relationship. That’s why I wear this ring.” I kid you not, this dumba*s says “Oh, really? I thought that was just for show or something, I didn’t even notice it until today.” My giant ring that looks like an expensive engagement ring, that everyone asks about, yet he didn’t notice it. Red flag number two.

Now let me tell you a bit about this guy. He smelled like cigarettes and seemed like he could have either just taken a shower that day, or hadn’t for at least a week. He was the type of guy that would bum a smoke off of anyone that he could, a real winner right? Well earlier in the day he told me a story about his ex, and how she completely demolished his heart, that’s right, by cheating on him. And here he was snuggling up to me under a blanket after I told him that I’m in a committed relationship.

Now I’m sure you’re all thinking, “Why dON'T YOU JUST GET UP?!” Well let me tell you, have I mentioned I’m dumb? Also, I was lonely at the time, and I liked the attention. I didn’t think it was going to go anywhere, which it obviously did, seeing as I’m writing this story, but there is a key point that I have yet to make: I’m in a long distance relationship. That still does not make it okay, at all, that I cheated. I will say that I was feeling like I wasn’t getting the attention that I thought I needed, and I think somewhere in my mind I thought yeah, this is what I want, this is the attention I need to be happy. If you ever hear these thoughts, DO NOT LISTEN!

So he’s snuggling up to me and I have my eyes closed but when I open them he’s just staring at me. He leans in and kisses me. It’s more than a peck, and it took me a bit to realize I’m kissing someone, for the first one in years, other than my partner, and to be honest I kind of liked it. It’s awful and I feel sick thinking about it, but it felt nice to be wanted in that way. I have no feelings for the guy, but it still felt nice to know someone wanted me still.

That nice feeling doesn’t last. When you realize exactly what you’re doing, and you pull back, it feels like your world is crashing down around you. I told him this couldn’t happen because I’m in love and I want to be with the man I am in love with, to which he responds, “I want to be with you, you’re so beautiful and sexy,” which in my head I’m like “riiiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhht,” whole in another part of my brain I’m like, “This is a dream right? Just a crazy dream?” It was not a dream, but I guess you could call it a real life nightmare.

He tells me all these things, and I just can’t believe what’s happening. I start to cry and end up driving home, probably awhile before I really should have, seeing as I drank probably enough to get a 350lb man drunk the night before. He stands outside trying to comfort me and all I can think about is how I am going to tell my partner, my beat friend, the love of my life.

It is at this point that I realize that I am a trash human. I took this beautiful thing that I have in my life, and I risked it all for someone I had just met, which may I remind you I didn’t even have feelings for! I was stupid, and then I had to take responsibility for my actions. Nursing a massive hangover I got up the nerve to call my boyfriend. Being as perfect as he is, he immediately notices something is wrong and asks what has happened. That’s when I let it all out. It was like when you’re a kid, and the milk jug is just a bit too heavy for you, but you don’t realize it in time so all of the milk rushes out into your cup and your brain is too slow to realize the cup is going to overflow, but the milk is my words, the jug my mouth, and the cup my boyfriend's ears.

His response still shocks me to think about. Although he was hurt, and he made it known, he told me he loved me. He immediately told me that he forgave me, that he loved me and he wasn’t going to lose me over this. He told me that we all make mistakes and that he still loves me. He was hurt and he felt like he couldn’t trust me, understandable, and that we would have to work but that he didn’t want to give up. Isn’t that the most perfect man? I don’t deserve him. I do not deserve this man in any way shape or form, but let me tell you, I am so thankful to have him in my life. He is my best friend and my rock. He is who I turn to no matter what, and if I could take it all back I would. I wish that I could every day, but I know it’ll never happen. There will always be a thought of me kissing someone else in both his and my minds. He will always have a hard time with me being around other men without him, and I’m not sure he’ll ever be able to forget. My man is a blessing from god and I’ll never forget it.