I Did Love You

"I'll love you to the moon and back!"

Yeah, that cheesy line! From that special someone, it used to mean so much to me..

"I love you."

Why do we part our lips from each other to say those simple three words and sometimes.... not even mean it.

I was damaged in all the ways a person could be when a relationship ends. I was dating a man for three years that I loved to the core of me. My longest relationship I ever had in this lifetime. It was going so strong and we were really committed to each other. He made me feel like dreams could really come true. I guess every rapper could sell that vision to anyone. They're so busy trying to get people to like them and listen to their music, that they can lose sight in who stood by their side.

I remember waking up from the fog of love. I was so busy helping this man follow and pursue his dreams, I lost sight of myself, realizing he wasn't a man at all but still a boy. Putting so much effort into love, I lost focus of what I wanted from this lifetime. Three years had passed, struggling to keep jobs with no college education. Making sure this "man" was doing good and instead I wasn't. I was breaking down and it hurt to truly see. Eyes clear, that this man I loved so much... was using me. I noticed the difference as time moved forward. The not so secret phones calls started, it didn't take long before I knew. He was talking to someone else...

I began working two jobs while he didn't work at all. I tried to ignore the signs. I tried my best to perfect and everything he needed so that he would not leave. I managed to set him up with a simple job to place items into a box and ship them at the post office. I was selling clothing online and thought this was a simple task. A job he could do while he continued his music career. This "man" couldn't even do that. The relationship really crumbled when I was being evicted. I was a nanny for a family in Warren, Rhode Island. I was working a late shift when I noticed my phone had a voicemail. The voicemail was from the "man" telling me his friends and brother got out of control and broke all the windows in my living room.

I remember not wanting to call him back. I finally broke and was tired of all the negative mess he continued to drag me into. I waited for the family to come home to relieve me of babysitting. It was a cold night as I walked the dark strip of street to the bus stop. I was many towns away from home. After two long bus rides and a long walk up the hill I finally made it home.

My front door was wide open but no one was inside the apartment. My phone starts ringing. The "man" explains he has a warrant and that they all had to leave because someone called the police and I had to speak to them by myself. I immediately got angry. I was doing a lot of things by myself and that was the last time I promised myself. I heard my dog crying in my bedroom by the window. I had to remove a shard of glass from his paw. I began sobbing loudly, I just couldn't catch a break. My car recently was totaled after a car accident so I had no transportation. Now, I was being evicted.

At that point, I was disappointed in the constant let down this "man" kept continuing to be. I really wasn't angry with him but more sad. I continued to give chances and help so we could grow together. My goal had always been to have a loving family with a man I truly love. Unfortunately, nothing is as perfect as Disney animated movies portray. I woke up from dreamland.

I felt like I'd been asleep the whole three years I was with him. Feeling a thousand feelings at once. I chose to cut the person off completely. It still hurts to know people really try to do damage to your mind and soul. It kills me to say goodbye to a lot of people I never really wanted to say goodbye to. You live and you learn from life. It's all a lesson in the end that you grab a piece of courage or self-love from. Sometimes, I wish that I never met some people. Then, I realize if I hadn't, like this "man," I wouldn't have learned to grow and I wouldn't have woken up from ...dreamland.