'I Don't Want to be Alone'

My relationship status right now....

Transgender Flag

When I first came out as transgender, I was single and heartbroken. My partner at the time just broke up with me two weeks before I came out. I had my friends there for me as I transition slowly. I felt that I was not ready to date yet.

It has been two years since my heart was broken. I have been avoiding the topic of relationships with my parents. Yet, I joked with my best friend about being lonely and wanting a relationship. When one week ago, it happened.

I was just eating lunch after getting my testosterone shot not an hour earlier. I can't remember what I was truly wearing other than my gray vest unbuttoned on my bound chest and my rainbow beanie on my head. I had my Bluetooth headphones on when I notice a guy sitting in front of me. I pause my music and glance up. He smiles at me with his white teeth and his black sweater melting with his skin. He started the conversation asking me if I wanted to hang out. I should have told him no right there and then, but I'm too nice. I said sure, and off we went to my dorm. We talked for quite awhile and played games as time passed us by. He asks me if I knew things to do. I answer him not really but took him for a drive anyways. He met my dad and saw my house (I don't live at home during college).

You might wonder, well what is so bad about making another friend? The thing was, he asks me if we could try dating. I was afraid to tell him no due to not truly knowing what to do in this situation. I had dated twice once in my life, but I was always the one to ask them out. I panic and agreed, my heart thumped in my chest as he leans into kiss me.

I kissed him back, but I felt nothing. My heart stops thumping, there was no sparks, no fireworks. I agree to a relationship with a guy that doesn't know I'm trans and we have nothing alike. I mean, he doesn't like Harry Potter which I wear merchandise such as a Hogwarts theme hat and scarf every day (North Dakota winters are terrible but I love them). They are my favorite. He thinks art and history are dumb, and he hates snow. I love snow except when it's slushy type.

It might seem like I'm just complaining, I might be. My main problem is I might be an ace/aro (asexual/aromantic). My best friend who is like a sister to me (also the first person I came out as a transman to) and I talk about my romantic and sexual orientation. I can screw anybody due to not caring about their genitals, but personality. Yet, when it comes to showing romantic feelings, I need to have a bond with them. The partner I was talking about in the first paragraph, they (genderfluid) are one of my best friends (Top 5), although I came out as a lesbian that wasn't true. My middle school boyfriend, we were friends for two years before we started to date (I was not out and identified as straight in Middle School).

You might wonder, well what is the problem. Get to the main point. The main point is the guy I am "dating", we just met and I feel no connection to him. We don't really bond, and yet I agree to date due to not wanting to be alone anymore. Yet, I still feel so alone due to not coming out to him as a transman. My best friend suggests telling him about being demisexual and tell him the truth.

......I'm afraid to do that since I don't want to be alone.....


CJ Vondal
CJ Vondal

Howdy! I'm CJ and I'm a transgender who lives in North Dakota. I enjoy writing about a lot of things such as LGBT community and anime.

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'I Don't Want to be Alone'