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I Got a Do-Over

Coming Out Late in Life

By Hilary MiminguaquayPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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Hilary and her wife 9/2018

For the first 52 years of my life, I considered myself to be straight. I was married to 3 men, had sex with men, fantasized about men. As I look back through the lens of 20/20 hindsight, I see small clues everywhere that told me I was actually gay.

One was my Uncle Mickey's Playboy magazines. Yes, I would specifically use his bathroom in their house and I would look at them. My dad read Playboy too and I would find them. I thought the women were beautiful and sexy. It made things inside of me warm and juicy but I didn't understand it. It was a secret longing that led to other hints.

I had deeply emotional crushes on several girls I knew. Corey was so cute and had blue-green eyes. Patty had a cute upside down heart shaped ass that I loved watching. Lorien was a hot mess and I fell in love with her. I even got to taste her once; deep and musky and wonderful.

But I wasn't gay....yet.

It wasn't until the spring of 2015 when I changed. How appropriate that it was spring time when things are refreshed and renewed. I had gone to a spiritual retreat and we did a reconciliation ceremony that Saturday night.

For those who aren't sure what that is, let me explain: in a sacred circle you can either choose someone to reconcile with who is present or you can choose to have someone represent the person you wish to reconcile with—this is useful when the person is too dangerous to face or they are far away or deceased. Then you say all that which you need to say to achieve some closure. Prayers are said and you let go of that which held you back. It's a powerful experience and one I recommend if you have issues with people.

I didn't know who I would want to reconcile with at first, none of the people I knew were there and I didn't feel a strong pull to do anything with them. But I walked over to the woman leading this ceremony and what popped out of my mouth shocked me: "I need you to be my father." What did I just say? Wow! But she agreed. She went into a meditative space and before I could think of anything to say, I heard my father's words coming out of her mouth. Her voice to be sure but his inflection and pattern of speech. I'm still not clear on the exact exchange but lots of tears were shed and when we finished, I felt a weight come off of me unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I cried for several hours. I was shaken and excited. I hardly slept that night.

The next day, I looked at the sunrise with new eyes but still didn't realize yet the degree to which I had been healed and changed. It took several weeks for me to realize that I was no longer interested in men. I'm not even sure if there was one specific moment but I saw men differently. And women. I was now a lesbian. At age 52. I got a do-over. I saw it as the ultimate gift; I could re-do myself as I wanted now, not as what others wanted.

I cut my hair short, I re-joined a women's chorus that I had been part of some years before but now with a purpose, I needed the community. I learned about who I actually was. I also met the woman who became my wife. In the picture for this story, I am sitting on the upper step, she is in front of me.

We married in January of 2017, had a ceremony that June. I got the wedding I wanted to the most beautiful person I have ever known.

It's funny, how different this love is; so powerful and encompassing. Not like anything I ever had with men.

If this has taught me anything, it's the importance of being true to oneself, living the life you are meant to live and not what others tell you to live. When you are your own self, it's an amazing source of power and love.

In our current socio-political climate, it's all we can do to stay out of trouble but when people start to tell me what I can and can't wear, how I am supposed to behave because I'm a woman, what I can and can't eat because I'm a large woman, who I am supposed to sleep with because my being gay offends them, then I must step up and say that I am who I am and I am happy with it. It took this butterfly a long time to come out of my cocoon and I have no intention of going back into it.

PS My last name, Miminguaquay, was gifted to me back in the summer of 2014 by the Medicine Man at my tribes annual powwow. It's Ojibwa for Butterfly Woman. I had no idea what was to come just 9 months later.

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About the Creator

Hilary Miminguaquay

I live in Denver, CO and married to the most amazing woman of my dreams. I work in health care, sing with the Denver Women's Chorus and am an improvisation actor. I love books, music, needlework crafts, cooking, walks and much more.

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