Humans logo

I Have Some Serious Gossip!

OK, so maybe it's not gossip, but maybe it is. Maybe I won't tell it like it is, but maybe I will. Maybe what I am about to tell you is all in my head. Here goes nothing.

By J. GirlPublished 6 years ago 8 min read
Like

Have you ever had a friend whom you would call your absolute best friend in the whole wide world? You are only seven years old and you love your friend with all your heart. You would go to school just to look for them above anyone else. You would sneak around your classes just to let the other know that you were thinking of them. You would wonder if they were thinking of you, too, but they are only your friend and you are only seven. They will only look after you have looked and will only sneak once you tell them you will sneak. They are your best friend, but you are the part of them that is the best. You are there for them, but they are not there for you and you are only seven. You don't know what best friends are for.

Have You Ever?

Now you are only 13 and you've been around the block. You've heard all the rumors and you've shared in the pain of puberty. Everyone around you is there with you, but they are there only in memory. The students look to find relief in attention upon themselves that they don't see what it does to you. They don't see that when they call you ugly and repulsive that you take it to heart. They don't remember when you use to sneak around for them or remember how you were there with every scrape they took on the playground because some fourth grader decided they were better than the third graders. You look for answers with the belief your friends were not the source of the terrible things you hear others say. But you are only thirteen and you haven't figured out that trust is not absolute.

Rumors Have It

A year or two later you feel fine; not wonderful, but fine. You have been through the hardest times for children: the change. The change from a little girl into a young woman. The change that invites embarrassment as well as harassment. You never found out where those rumors were coming from, and you still believe your friends are there for you. You still believe that if you asked them to sneak with you, they would out of intentions for you and not for themselves. You believe when you tell them you love them as a friend, and that when they tell you they love you, they mean it. So you tell them, every single chance you get. You tell them that you love them and that you would sneak around for them. They will believe you, because you believe you.

You are now 14 years old and before, you thought dating was sharing pizza by a swing set during a school party for young talented students. You would think back when you were 12 years old and you shared your first pizza with a boy for the first time. You would remember and smile when he handed you a gift box containing a sterling silver necklace picked out by the boys grandmother and you wouldn't judge. You wouldn't ask why he didn't pick it out; you would just admire and give thanks. You would tell him that you like him, but you don't know what that means. You don't know that he doesn't really like you, that he was only pretending. Pretending is what little boys love to do.

Your first boyfriend is not your first heartbreak. Your first boyfriend was a joke. He asked you out at school, shared a pizza with you, and during the change, he dumped you. He dumped you because he didn't want to hold your hand and call you his. He didn't know what being a boyfriend or a girlfriend really meant; and neither did you. You didn't cry, you didn't ask why, you just took it. You accepted it as if you already knew. Now that you are 14, you have figured out how to wear a bra properly as well as look cute in dark cheap eyeshadow bought from a gas station. You don't care if you look like a raccoon, you are only fourteen and you don't know that some boys are done with pretending. You have three or four friends whom you would fight for and sneak for in any given circumstance. You think this group is yours to trust and love. You think they would be there for you even when it seems like you have made a new friend.

You have encountered your first admirer.The boy with yellow hair and green eyes. The boy who is tall, older, and strong. The boy who can climb trees with one arm and run up walls like gravity wasn't going to drag him down. The boy that smoked on campus and punched anyone that tested him. He was new, he was bad, and he was single. He was not your type though, for you are a good girl with good intentions. You are nice, sweet, quiet, and smart. You would never smoke or get into fights. You would be the one to never miss a class, but this boy would do everything that you would not. The moment you stepped into his class was the moment he knew he wanted you. He wanted you so much because you were so good and he was so bad. He wanted you like you've never seen anyone want anything before. He wanted to see you let him have you. He wanted to share himself with you in order to get you. He knew that you were special, but you didn't know you. You didn't know that his stare was like preying on the innocence. You didn't know your worth so you let him prey. You let him stare and speak to you. You let him pick you up from the ground and run with you. You let him make you believe he was like your friends; there for you.

You are only fourteen, and he is only a boy pretending. You would sneak for him, love him, and be there for him as much as you could. You would be the perfect girl for a bad boy. One day after years of being perfect, he wanted more. He wanted more than what you were giving him and you tried but you couldn't give him what he wanted so he went elsewhere. He went to a bad girl looking for good girl moves. Then he came back only to tell you that he did a bad thing. Shocker! The bad boy did a bad thing to a good girl. Now the good girl is sad. You are sad. You are sad but you are not stupid. You know that what you felt for him was real, so you let him take another shot at your heart. You are stronger than you know, girl! You are still a virgin, and you still have confidence; just find it in you! Don't listen to the rumors! Don't do it! They aren't true! You didn't do that with him at that place! He doesn't know what you are like, girl! He can only pretend! Boys love to pretend!

Like most bad boys, he did another bad thing with a bad person and you can't take it. Your heart is beating so fast and nobody is there to tell you to breathe. None of your friends know what you are feeling because when you thought they were there for you along the way, they were standing outside the lines. They were avoiding you, for you found a new friend and they wanted your attention for them. They didn't tell you, they just let you go, so it boggled your mind when you went back and they had no idea what you just returned from. They don't know that the second that bad boy decided to hurt you, was the second you wanted to die. You wanted to cut yourself for feeling so stupid that a bad boy would do a bad thing to a good girl. You wanted to bleed out and stop the pain. You wanted to stop being made fun of and just be loved, for once. So you went into that bathroom and you broke the razor with tears coming down from your face. You sat in the tub with water brushing over your face hoping it would hide your cries. You would weep like a mother who's just lost a child. You felt like you lost a part of you that you tried so hard to create. So you did it. You cut yourself. You bled. You cried. Then you regretted the decision. You told yourself how can you be so stupid. So you made a vow sitting under that water, that if you weren't going to die; then it was time for you to live. You decided at an age of 14 that you would have a future instead. So after months of crying every night, you didn't realize you were so alone. You didn't realize that your friends still had no idea. You didn't speak, you didn't eat, and you didn't bother. You were a good girl.

What Are Friends For?

What are friends for if not to make you laugh when you feel like crying? Well, your friends were not those friends. Your friends would laugh while you felt like crying. They would live when you felt like dying, and blame you for bringing them down. They would blame you for not being there for them when they got an F on a test, even though they could have studied the night before instead of f***ing. You didn't though; you were a good girl. You stayed in your bedroom and cried. You cried yourself to sleep and prayed that you wouldn't wake up. You would cry knowing that you were alone now. You felt it. You see it. You think it, and nobody knows. Nobody knows that you are aware. That you've learned what being a friend really means, and now it's time for your revenge.

friendship
Like

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.