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I Loved Once

Confessions of an Ex-Junkie

By Alyssa HornPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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There was once a time when I thought that love just wasn't for me. Dating had always seemed to end in nothing, but disaster. I think at some point or anothe,r we all have one bad date or another. For me, they all seemed to end up in the gutter. Even if the guy ended up nice, there always seemed to be some secret they hid until a few weeks into the relationship. And let me tell you I have dated them all: cheaters, beaters, druggies, drug dealers, and yes even an eater or two. However, with some of the other things life had thrown my way nothing seemed to faze me one bit until this last serious boyfriend.

Let me start by painting a picture. We met literally in the unemployment line when I was freshly clean, as well as sober — oh, and fresh out of jail. He was living on a friend's couch and also fresh off drugs. Although he still drank booze, it was never much of a problem for me so I was able to say no when he drank. It sounds like a match made in heaven, right? Two train wrecked people meet and just fall head over heels, which is literally what happened. Our first date was a party at his friend's house which I did drink a little but I just didn't want to be rude. And we slow danced in the living room to Nickelback. Sound cheesy? It was and don't ask why it was Nickelback. But at that moment, I knew that I loved him and that he was different. Maybe that fact that I had never slow danced with a guy before played a part in my thinking, but after that we were inseparable. And yes… it is true that addicts are not supposed to date each other.

For a year, we couch-surfed together because being apart just wasn't going to be an option. Honestly, I almost let the drinking consume me again… He was drinking every night that it was hard to not get caught up in it. But I managed to get that part of me under control. During the second year of us being together, we found an apartment and he found an amazing job. He also started doing drugs as well as drinking every night. While under the influence, he became a completely different person. He beat me up… a couple times a week. There were even a few nights when he had me pinned to the floor and I prayed for him to end it; I prayed for him to just go grab the knife and to kill me. Then at least there would be no more pain. A few times I left him, but I always went back because he said things would be different. FYI… things are never different. Guys just say that because they don’t want to be alone.

At one point we became engaged and began planning a wedding. I was thrilled because that time we had really stepped up the whole "I’ve changed” routine. But one night after a drug deal gone bad, I left him again. By that time we had been together for three years and I thought I could help him. I loved him, but we had been going through that crap for too long and it was the same thing over and over. That time I didn’t go back. It damn near broke me, but now I’m in college as well as the fact that I have my own place.

A few nights ago this guy got ahold of me via social media to catch up since it has been a few years since I left him. Well, he lost everything and is living with his mother now, while I am still sober/clean and on my own. He asked to get back together and my heart sank. Then he said he changed and I flashed back to when we were together. “Nope” came out of my mouth so quickly.

The main lesson I learned while being with him is that love is pain. It isn’t always easy or fun. Lord knows I went through my share of struggles with him. And even though I still love him, I knew that I couldn’t agree because it wouldn’t work. We were just too toxic for each other.

breakups
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About the Creator

Alyssa Horn

I am a broke college student that is pretty much alone in the world. I'm working on my bachelor's in psychology and then I am going to start my Master's as well as a degree in anthropology. plus I love to write.

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