I'm a Homewrecker?!?

Our meeting was fated by the stars. Does this sound familiar to anyone? If so, keep on reading, because, without a doubt, most of you have felt the same way I have.

It was just last summer when I met a certain individual who, to me, became so much more than a friend. As some of you may or may not know, I happen to be gay. Yup, just like that, my dating choices narrowed to the 18 percent of LGBT members for the generation X (1994-2004).

It seemed almost surreal to have met this boy in the way that we did. We were both in some form of civil union. I had been seeing my boyfriend (correction, EX-boyfriend) at the time and this boy was definitely taken. We met on the infamous app called Grindr. Of course, at first, my only intentions was to become friends with this boy, but there were circumstances that made this journey more complex than it should have been.

We met and spoke for what I believed to have been hours. We shared multiple interests in food, music, social media interests, hobbies, future aspirations, etc. Typical "Love at First Sight" story right?

No. Not at all.

What I've failed to mention above will now be revealed.

After our hours-on-end conversation, this boy took me out to dinner, like a date, kind of. We feasted. And ended the day jamming out to our favorite jams, screeching the lyrics at the top of our lungs while riding through the night air.

And of course, to every great memory, there comes an end.

"It's been a while since I had so many laughs," he said.

"Hahaha, Me too!" I responded.

And of course, mother always told me to follow my heart. I knew that my current love story had to end.

Rule of thumb for the world of dating young'ns, If you don't feel the same way about your significant other as you once did when you first met, your mind will wander on and find a new love interest... and in a sense, you should too.

(Things I should have mentioned: This boy and his significant other are going through a rough patch... His significant had cheated and did the nasty elsewhere... And that's probably why the boy I found interest in found a green light to continue to talk to me.)

"I never thought I would find someone into music as much as me," he continued to text me.

"I'm blushing. Is this allowed?" I asked, being concerned that this would affect his current relationship.

Deep down, I wanted to have him for myself, but the ID in me was telling me that it was unethical to do so.

Every single part of me wanted to spend time with him, I wanted him to notice me, I wanted him to realize that what was budding between us was premature love in its purest form.

Little did I know, I was setting myself up for heartbreak.

(Long story short on how our texts went:)

I bring up the fact that there are music fests we could attend in my hometown, 1,500 miles from where I currently live.

He said he was down and that it would be an adventure for the books.

He goes on telling me that it's such a rare moment for him to find someone like me, who he wants to spend time with and not just cut straight to the chase and... well, "you know." (Insert dirty smirk emoji)

He continues to tell me he doesn't want to fall for someone while still linked.

Hours went by, and while I laid in bed, my phone buzzes angrily. I search for it in the dark room that was prepped for bedtime to see his name at the top of my screen next to the words that read "two new messages."

Day by day, we texted back and forth about our daily treks in life, only to uncover more similar interests we shared.

(Insert drunk calls from him confessing his feels via truth serum.)

(This was necessary to mention because it was in this moment when I realized "hmm, this boy, he gets me. I think I might like him.")

Boy! Was this a mistake... but maybe not...

It was cute.

Moving on.

The next week was magical.

We hung out right after we got off work. We saw a movie and went around town looking for dinner with our empty stomachs.

We finally decide on a new place, one that neither of us had dined in before and hoped for the best.

By the end of the night, something in me had felt, wrong. I wanted to cry, but I didn't of course... Not yet anyway.

We exchanged a few more texts, talking about how it was wrong for going on dates rather than to casually hang out since this would only upset his significant other. We came to a consensus that we should only see each other casually.

I was devastated.

How was I supposed to go on about my days, when all that I could think about was the few hours I spent with him? The few hours that we packed with enough memories to last a lifetime?

I may be dramatic, but that's what happens to an individual living in that "Coming of Age" part of their life. Our hormones are out of whack, our skin shows it.

I wanted to die.

It got to the point where, I was constantly confiding in my friends and relatives... whose only advice was to drop him and move on, and that it's not worth falling head over heels for someone who was living in a different chapter of their life.

But that was it. I wanted both of our pages to meet halfway. I wanted so bad for things to line up that my hopes were higher than the stoners who stare blankly at the corner of the walls rediscovering their limbs for the first time.

One night, I was not able to handle it anymore. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and even the clothes on my back was irritating me. I didn't seep that night. The clock struck 8 AM when I finally texted to see if he was awake so that I could confess my feelings for him. And to no surprise, he was.

I told him this one analogy of how I had felt that went: "You literally have my heart in your hands, and you don't want to do anything to stop it from bleeding out," was what I recall my exact words were. (Not sure.)

He had apologized for everything and that was the end of the conversation.

Months went by before we finally met again. I needed to know that my feelings were at bay. But of course, being as hormonal as I was, none of them were.

What I believed I would be able to handle was on such higher magnitude to handle that it would be the equivalent of an ant trying to give birth to an entire solar system.

I tell myself now that I'm okay with where we are... But deep down, I'm not.

I will be forever in a perpetual fall down the rabbit hole.

I saw a TEDtalks that said something along the lines of, "Physical pain has a location; you cut yourself, you clean it and slap a band-aid on that bitch. But emotional pain, it has no location. And as long as you don't find a place for it in your life or a way to get rid of it, it will swallow you whole."

For me, it kind of did. Everything I do reminds me of him.

Mom tells me over-reacting, and that she isn't surprised how persistent I am. She told be that I was always persistent whenever I strive to take something that I wanted.

If only I was like this in school. LOL, am I right?

But that's kind of it really. I don't really know what else to write...

Feel free to DM me about advice. I'm willing to hear as many opinions as I can.

(My biggest fear right now, is that the boy reads this article... but I mean... It's literature, maybe he'll understand how much weight he has on me right now.)

Peace out Girl Scout. I'm outtie.

You walked into the room and now my heart has been stolen

You took me back in time to when I was unbroken

Now you're all I want

And I knew it from the very first moment

'Cause a light came on when I heard that song and I want you to sing it again

I swear that every word you sing, you wrote them for me

Like it was a private show, I know you never saw me

When the lights come on and I'm on my own

Will you be there to sing it again?

Could I be the one you talk about in all your stories

Can I be him?

I heard there was someone but I know he don't deserve you

If you were mine I'd never let anyone hurt you, no, no

I wanna dry those tears, kiss those lips

It's all that I've been thinking about

'Cause a light came on when I heard that song and I want you to sing it again

I swear that every word you sing, you wrote them for me

Like it was a private show, but I know you never saw me

When the lights come on and I'm on my own

Will you be there to sing it again?

Could I be the one you talk about in all your stories?

Can I be the one

Can I be the one

Can I be the one

Oh, can I, can I be him?

Won't you sing it again?

Oh, when you sing it again

Can I be him?

Oh, sing it again, yeah

Oh, when you sing it again

Can I be him?

I swear that every word you sang, you wrote 'em for me

Like it was a private show, but I know you never saw me

When the lights come on and I'm on my own

Will you be there, will you be there?

Can I be the one you talk about in all your stories

Can I be him?

Can I be him?

Can I be him?

Can I be him?

-James Arthur