I'm a Lesbian

**DISCLAIMER: The edits made to this post were out of necessity after discovering that the post needed some TLC and editing over the years after discovering that I am not only pansexual (not lesbian), but also identify as both female and non-binary. Thank you.

"But you've dated boys!" they said.

"You told me in high school that you liked boys," they said.

"You're not a lesbian just because you're dating a trans girl and you're in a 'lesbian' relationship," they said.

The truth is, I've always known that I liked women. I just always thought I was expected to only date and like guys. I thought that my family wouldn't accept me if I liked girls. Or, so I was led to believe.

And, yes, I've dated and liked plenty of guys. I grew up having crushes on male actors, male friends, the sons of family friends, etc. I dated guys in high school and college, and I had my fair share of freshman hookups with — you guessed it — guys. But, something always felt off. Something about those experiences never seemed right. (It was mostly because I was using sex, recreational marijuana, and alcohol as coping mechanisms for narcissistic abuse in my life at the time, but that’s a story for another time/post.)

I knew at a young age that I liked girls. My first experience with this knowledge came when I was nine years old and going to summer camp. I had a crush on an older girl who was about fifteen or so, and I had taken a liking to her because she looked like my celebrity crush, Piper Perabo. The girl thought I was weird because I was fascinated with boobs. (Looking back, it was a bit odd, but I was fascinated because I didn’t have them yet.) I also had a crush on her brother, too. At the age of ten, I had a crush on an older girl who lived at the end of my street. She was my best friend and, to this day, I wonder if she knew. At fourteen, during my eighth-grade year, I approached my mom to tell her that I was bisexual. At least, that is what I thought at that time. I still kind of thought I liked boys a bit, but many of the boys I liked had a bit of a feminine quality to them, either in looks or habits and manners. I mostly liked a lot of celebrity males, and like every normal teenage girl, I had posters of Nick Jonas, Daniel Radcliffe, Tom Felton, Corbin Bleu, and Zac Efron on my wall.

During that same year, I had my first kiss from a girl I dated for a week. She wound up being a total liar and backstabber and spread rumors about me.

Nevertheless, I grew up and moved on through high school and college, dating boys and still liking girls. I hid my sexuality for a while before I genuinely stopped caring what people thought of me. I even got brave and started admitting it outwardly no matter what, especially if I get hit on by, say... the kitchen manager at my restaurant job? (Again, another story for another time.)

At the age of 23, in my first lesbian relationship, I identified myself as being a lesbian. While untrue due to the fact that I still very much liked men, I did it because I felt that it was a necessity within the dynamics of the relationship. I also thought that it would help my partner to feel more comfortable in her identity as a female, as she was transgender and still figuring out her identity as a woman.

And, that is the hard reality for anyone struggling with their sexual orientation, or their identity. The biggest obstacle that people face is fear. Fear of rejection by friends and family, fear that who they are is "unacceptable," fear that they'll be forced to be someone they aren't just so that they won't be frowned upon—or, worse, disowned and exiled from family. And those who choose to be open often times face that very thing they fear: rejection, abandonment, disowning, bullying, and even severe depression that leads to suicide because they feel that they will never be accepted in this world.

It's not easy to be yourself, but you should always try. Even if your parents judge you — which is, admittedly, one of the worst and hardest things to face — even if your friends judge you (Breaking news: They're not true friends!), even if you feel like the world is out to get you because you're gay, asexual, pansexual, transgender, gender-fluid...

No matter how hard it is, you should strive your best to be yourself. If you cannot be true to yourself and love yourself, despite the odds thrown at you, you will stay in a cycle that only seeks to hurt you. And believe me, I know how hard it is to get out of that cycle. The best thing to do is to trust yourself, your own judgment, on how to break it. Don’t simply take my advice or the advice of a friend or internet coach. Do whatever you know that you can with the resources you do have at your disposal.

No matter what anyone tells you, you always deserve to be happy as a human being. Just because the world does not think the way you do does not mean that your thoughts and feelings and your own identity is invalid or wrong in this world.

So, be a woman. Be in love with a woman. Be a man. Be in love with a man. Be in love with everyone. Experience sexual attraction. Don’t experience sexual attraction. Either way, you are valid.

Just. Be. Yourself.