"I Never Told Anyone That Story"

I have not dated many people. However, each person was extremely different and each relationship was a kind of its own. These stories are in order.

1. The First Boyfriend

My first boyfriend was amazing and did nothing wrong. I was honestly proud of myself for having him as a first. I did not start dating until high school, not because of parents keeping me from it, but a mix of my own personal decision and the fact not many people wanted me. Him and I started off as friends then around the same time wanted to date, which lead to him asking me out. Everything was great. He was the kindest boy I knew, willingly did whatever to make me happy, we made each other laugh, and he thought I was gorgeous; which in the ninth grade I was not. There were nights I sat there and truly thought we would last a long time just from how well everything was going. There was one problem though. I was not physically attracted to him. Even at a young age, I knew that if I did not feel anything physically then a relationship would not work. After about a month of dating, I realized I had to end it. I texted him one evening after school saying we had to break up.

He responded with "Why?"

So I answered with a longer text explaining my reasons. I found out literally a year later that he never got that second text.

The lesson I keep from my first boyfriend is you cannot make yourself love someone no matter how perfectly they treat you. I am still great friends with him. He is probably my best friend. That is how it should be and how it always will be.

2. The Abusive Boyfriend

My second boyfriend was extremely verbally abusive. The way it worked was he lured me in by not showing his crazy side for a long time. Our relationship was thrilling, and the physicality made me feel mature like I was in a real relationship. We started talking over the winter break, so we had all day for each other for a long time. When school started, he started showing the bad side. He would call me during class then get angry when I would not answer. He also got extremely jealous if there was any evidence of me interacting with other boys. I went through weeks of after-school conversations with him yelling at me or scolding me like a child. The reason I went through it is because I honestly felt like that is how relationships were. Also knowing that he planned a future with me gave me reassurance, because I truly believed at that point I probably wouldn't find anyone else. Then one day, I was done with him and done with how he treated me. I do not remember what gave me the urge to do it, but that morning I ignored all his texts just to piss him off. I did not look at my phone all day.

After school, I read a text that said, "Fine we are done."

And I felt good.

He later then said, "Baby I'm sorry for saying we are done. Is this what you want?"

I said yes.

The last thing he said was "Okay, stay safe delete me."

I learned that future assurance does not equal happiness. Assurance even to this day is what I constantly look for, but I am never going to settle like I almost did.

3. The Timid Boyfriend

In my eyes, there is nothing wrong with being a timid person. I myself come off that way in most situations. I am growing though, and am much better at getting what I want. However, for some people, this trait runs the entire relationship. He told me he wanted to be my boyfriend by saying how amazing I was but shitty he was and that he would understand if I did not want to date him. I did have a bit of a crush on him so I decided to go for it. This relationship lasted about a month and included him doing just about nothing. He was sweet, but did not try. Eventually, I realized I needed more than him just being kind. I also realized I wasn't very attracted to him. I know that is completely unrelated, but like I said earlier, it would not have worked.

I realized it is okay to crave more from a partner. I genuinely did feel bad for breaking it off because of that, but I need to be happy too.

4. The Long Lasting, Long Distance Boyfriend

This relationship lasted for years. I don't necessarily regret those years, but I am not thankful for them either. Though I did grow as a person, there was a great amount of unnecessary hurt that came with this boyfriend. We met when he was in town, then he had to leave. We continued talking and one day he just kept telling me how he loved me. At the time I loved him and also thought he was extremely attractive. On the fourth of July he asked me to be his girlfriend, so of course, I said yes. That summer was nice, we learned about each other and were pretty happy. Then when school started, he began to disappear.

After exactly a month of not hearing from him, I spilled how hurt I felt and demanded to know what was up. He told me how he was failing in school and stopped talking so much so he could concentrate. Alright, I can't get in between anyone and their studies. Eventually, we started talking like normal and I forgot about that entire month. The problems that occurred then, I had no experience with. First of all, we teased each other, but he loved to mess with me until I was at the verge of tears. He would say things that got me livid. I always got over it though, because at that point, we loved each other so, so much. It was insane how much both of us felt for two teenagers who couldn't see each other in person. This love caused me to see past things like how jealous he would be, how unreasonable he occasionally was, and the multiple mental issues he had.

The jealousy was just as bad as the abusive boyfriend, but at the time I saw myself agreeing with his views. His feelings were hurt when he found out I had guy friends that I occasionally texted and he tried to convince me that he literally didn't text a single person other than me and his mom. He was once mad at me for a week just because I said Kid Cudi is attractive. I overtime realized he needed serious help that he was not getting and didn't want. He was extremely suicidal and had attempted multiple times. The part that hurt me the most was that I couldn't physically be there to help. That wasn't the only mental health issue I noticed though. He had no remorse to kill things. There was a cat named Fudge that he got around the time we met that he loved with all his heart. One day I noticed he hadn't talked about Fudge in a while. He said that Fudge hadn't been around and I figured the cat just ran away like they tend to do. Later on during one of his break downs he admitted that weeks ago, in a fit of rage, he ran outside and kicked Fudge in the head so hard it killed him. He also told me about the time another cat had kittens that the family didn't want, so to get rid of them, he placed them all in a plastic trash bag and let them all suffocate in the summer sun.

I was mortified by this, but that wasn't even the end of the relationship. I loved this guy and wanted to be there for him, even though I thought he was completely fucked. Life like this went on for about another year. One summer, he stopped talking to me again, only occasionally filling me in on things. He would say how he's been on vacation, then after that was how his family was going through things and needed his help. How could I be mad at him helping his family? Even though I decided not to be mad, I realized what we were doing wasn't a relationship. I broke up with him, and for the first time in my life, cried after a break up.

This story doesn't end after the breakup though. Shortly after we broke up, I noticed he started a relationship with his ex. While we dated, he told me how she was crazy and still loved him, but he hated her. At one point he said she became a lesbian and finally got over him. He would say how they don't even talk and he would never see her again. So obviously I was curious seeing them together, but at the same time, I was completely over him. Even though they were clearly together, he would still message me saying he loved and missed me. Literally twice a month for over a year after breaking up, I was still getting messages saying he loved and missed me. I never said it back because I did not feel the same, but that didn't stop him.

I even asked, "Aren't you in a relationship?"

and he said, "No, I am very single."

Then one day in October of 2018 I realized so many things. This situation happened not only after I already dated someone else, but also while I was in the middle of a relationship. Out of the blue, I get a notification that his lady added me on Snapchat. This confused me because I have never spoken to her and I don't have my username out for people to find.

I asked my ex what this was about, he replied with, "Oh, we started talking again. Block her."

That response seemed fishy to me. I did not want to block her, because if there was something she had to say, I wanted to know. The next morning I have two messages.

One from him asking if I had blocked her yet, and another from her just minutes later saying, "He is my fiance, but you can have him."

My initial thought was to not reply, because I didn't want to be in any drama. I then decided against that, because I didn't want her thinking I was out for her man. I told her that I didn't feel the way he felt for me. I didn't want him and never knew they were that serious. She then apologized for coming off rude. I felt so bad for her. Finding out the man she planned on marrying had been telling someone else he loves them for over a year. All the hate I felt for her back when I only knew her as his crazy ex completely disappeared. This caused me to think though. He was crazy enough to be engaged with her but still say he loves me, who's to say he wasn't also dating her during our relationship? I haven't heard from him since and will probably never know what all happened. Part of me though, no matter how disgusted I am with the many things he did, still hopes wherever he is, he's okay.

I don't know what I learned from that relationship. Don't trust people? Don't go through pain for love? Don't date mentally sick people? None of that seems right to me. All that happened between us was wild, but I do admit that I think about that experience a lot and it shaped how I now handle relationships in many ways.

Side note: the most ironic thing I can think of happened with this guy.

One time he asked me what I would do if he died and I said, "Probably talk to my ex."

At the time I knew that the timid boy still loved me and I often found comfort in that. I admit that was a shitty thing to say to my current boyfriend and I felt awful about it for weeks, but then after seeing how everything played out, I don't feel bad anymore.

5. The Serious Boyfriend

I consider this relationship to be my first serious one for many reasons. We started off as friends then I eventually just asked him out. I became so in love with this dude. We had the best conversations, we went places together, did adult things together, talked out our differences, and at one point both saw a long future together. We spent time with each other's families and even took care of each other (he was with me through one of my toughest surgeries to recover from). He had me do and say things I never had before and I even let him take my virginity. I was always completely myself with him. I wasn't perfect, not then or for any relationship, but there was never a time I doubted he loved me. I loved him more than I had loved anyone else. He said that to me as well. So the week he started acting weird and eventually broke up with me completely tore me apart. He said he just wasn't capable of loving anything at the time. This was the most pain I ever felt from a relationship. I cried for days and was unstable for months afterward. For the longest time, I imagined us getting back together someday. Because of this, I shut down two different opportunities to have relationships with other people that summer. It wasn't until I went to college and had someone else cure the physical loneliness that I was able to see a future without him.

This one also includes a realization that came after the fact. Him and I later started hanging out again. Not only do we have the same friends, but he is also at the same university, so it was bound to happen. On days where he was on campus with nothing to do, we would hang out and just talk about anything. Occasionally there were conversations about present and past relationships. One time he told me he used to have this addiction to love, and couldn't go without having someone to love him. I thought that was understandable and I honestly have had that same problem. A different time he told me that the girl he talked to before me was the person he had the most feeling for ever. Okay, now I knew half the things he told me weren't actually true so that didn't feel good. But my conclusion was a mix of the two. I don't know if it's the truth or just a product of me overthinking and twisting things to the worst possible outcome. I honestly feel like our relationship was just a temporary thing so he could get the love he craved between ending it with the other girl, and being able to live with himself. Once again I could be completely wrong, but this thought hurts me. I don't love him anymore, but I can't look at him without feeling pain.

The main point I learned from this relationship is that no one person is going to be the end of my love life. I seriously felt like he had to be my last, but now I am glad to be able to pursue other people.

6. The Unofficial Boyfriend

Who would have guessed that my first relationship in college would be a guy who wanted to be with me, but didn't want to be called my "boyfriend." I fell for him mainly because he was healing the pain of a serious boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I thought he was interesting and overall nice, but when I think of him, there is nothing I want to keep forever. We would go places, eat together, and have a lot of sex. I cared for him and was good to him. Eventually, I wanted to be his girlfriend. I couldn't see acting the way we were and not actually dating. He rejected that idea completely.

At one point he said, "I'm happy how it is with just me and my cat."

Fine. Just him and his cat. From that, I felt unwanted, so I stopped seeing him. I didn't text him first and surprise surprise we didn't talk at all. We went months without talking, and I was completely over him. In the time we weren't talking I had started thinking about a different guy. Then one day out of nowhere he starts blowing up my phone. All these conversations which lead to him asking why we don't talk anymore, and saying he missed me and wants to visit me. Shortly after he admitted he wanted to be in a relationship with me, sent me valentine flowers, wanted to meet my family, then started calling himself my boyfriend without us ever agreeing on that. I thought he was absolutely crazy. This boy had the nerve to reject me then act like we never fell apart. I was not going to let that happen. Every time I spoke to him, all I could think about was how he once rejected me. It got to the point where I couldn't comfortably hang out with him. Despite that, I let him come over to hang out with my friends and I just to see if I could possibly be okay with at least being his friend. Later in the night, he wanted to have sex. I did not want it at all. He persisted though, and was then on top of me knowing I didn't want it. I was literally pushing him away but that didn't stop him. As he was in me, I started crying but he didn't notice. He then slept in my bed the same way he did months before.

I never told anyone that story. But it doesn't matter to me whether people know or not. I am not even sad about it. I learned that consent is needed for much more than sex. He did not have consent to say he is my boyfriend, or push the already dead relationship on me.

7. Future Boyfriend

So what is my status now? That is a story in itself. There is this person I have been into since I was 13 years old. Of course, when I was in love with other people, I truly loved them and no one else. But single me always finds myself thinking about him. During high school, there was never a right time to talk to him. Hell, I don't even think now is the best time. But I am tired of always wondering how it would be like having him as my boyfriend. I have always thought he was one of the most interesting guys. We have always respected each other and he has literally never upset me. He is such a sweetheart and my heart and mind melts every time he speaks to me. I got it bad. I could talk about why I am into him for hours. I am looking forward to seeing him again because then I am finally going to shoot my shot. Wish me luck.