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I Owe Finding Love and Good Relationships to My Traumatic Past

My name is Kiara and I had a dark past and a pretty rough childhood. A big part of me knows that this has helped me in the weirdest of ways.

By Kiara KingPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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“I am a damaged person.” That’s one of the most common things I will say when I begin to open up to someone, which was never really a regular occurrence.

I say this because I am, and I feel better once I’ve warned someone of what they are getting into when they want to have a “deep” conversation, or ask to get to know me better.

I want to make this clear. I don’t say this for attention; I don’t say it to sound interesting, and I certainly don’t say it because I want you to think I’m weak and an “easy target.” (You’d be surprised at how many twisted people might see this as an opportunity—I certainly was).

A big part of love is trust and communication, and there’s nothing that says "I trust you" then trusting someone enough to tell them about something that is really personal and difficult to share. I never liked to talk about my life, especially since the people that I did talk to about it ended up using it against me, or played the protector in order to manipulate me. But one day, I moved away from it all into uni and a new group of friends who knew nothing about me, and I let myself go a bit.

I was tired. So tired of keeping different parts of my life separate and having to deal with and internalise so much on my own. Moving away helped me in a way I could never have imagined. I surprised myself by how open I was around these people, how I’d let things slip about my personal life that I never would have before.

I also, at the time, thought I would never find love. It was the classic: “How can you love someone if you don’t love yourself?” That would play in my head in the voice of a wise old man.

The reason why I believe that I owe my good relationships to horrible things happening to me is because of the way people have "become close" to me. Having moved to uni, and meeting so many new people, I was surprised at how fast people became such close friends with me. They would confide some of their deepest thoughts, and I would always be told once I shared something small but withheld the rest that I was brave and wise. There was a lot of “I respect you” and “I rate that” and “I’m glad I can talk to you about this.”

I was making amazing and genuine friends with complicated lives that they would decide to share with me—in little to no time. I had gained and gathered so much respect that I was never talked down upon and there was always, always someone to back me up and support me, no matter what.

I look at my other friends who have trouble with sharing—or, mainly, nothing to share—and I don’t doubt that I’d be treated the same way as them, part of the crowd, knowing few people. My friend Hayley* and many others have made comments along the lines of: “How have you done this?” “How do you know everyone so well?” “How did you find such good friends?”

I’ll always shrug it off, show I’m grateful; but really, I would never have had the confidence, nor the "mysterious aire" that seems to make people find me so very interesting. "You're a puzzle to unpick." I was told by a close friend.

Now, when it comes to finding love, I think this is partly because the act of me opening up to someone I am in a relationship with, or close with, has made them feel special. Perhaps it's because they feel the need to protect me, or show me that I'm loved, that they act in these ways. I have been told more than once that I'm endearing and it's easy for people to catch feelings for me. But I don't think this is the only reason that I was able to find love. I was in a stage of growth. I had matured, I had become stronger, but I had also let myself be more vulnerable in a very controlled way.

I had learnt to be clear with what I want and where I want things to go.

Having had the experience of acting as an adult as a child meant I never had much of a childhood, and I was very observant. I knew the ways people would react and behave, and I knew how to compose myself and deal with tough situations.

I owe my past to finding someone I love, and him falling in love with me. And as bad as it was, looking back right now, I wouldn't change a thing.

humanity
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About the Creator

Kiara King

I am a 22 year old uni student, sharing my stories in an attempt to help and support others. As well as trying to make a teeny bit of money to help along the way :)

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