I Promised You Forever, but What Did You Promise Me?

You had decided that, after only a few short weeks of knowing me, you wanted to devote the rest of your life to me. I remember that day as if it happened yesterday. It came from nowhere. I received two text messages, back to back, one reading, "I am totally and completely in love with you," while the message that followed read, "I will marry you. It's not a question of if, but when." My heart dropped into my stomach, as days before, as we were driving back to your place from sitting on the lake, you informed me that you were never, ever getting married. We were discussing my previous marriages, and we discussed how you had spent so very long with someone before me without ever discussing marrying her. You told me that if you ever did get married, you'd likely be in your forties and had been with the lady for many, many years.

You didn't spend years with me prior to such a bold statement involving your commitment. You did, however, spend years with me after. We have been married for almost two years now, and it's been an insane roller coaster of emotions, for me anyways. I often wonder why me, why did you hand-pick me to give your last name to? I question you about this, but I simply get generic answers about how I'm "beautiful," a good mother, etc. You thought I was such a good mother to my son, you wanted to try to make a child of our own with me. We successfully created the most perfect little angel to ever live. She's your third daughter, but I could just see how she was all you saw from the moment she was born; you were madly and so much in love with her. Of course, you love your other children, too. No one could ever expect you not to; however, you had informed me that she wasn't as "special" or more loved when compared to your other children, but rather just different in that she was made "out of love."

Was it wrong of me that I let that melt my own heart? The mothers of your other children must have believed that their children were made out of love, too. You had led many women to believe many things that weren't true, yet I am somehow always having to deal with some new woman chasing you. For what? I was naive to believe that the chase was one-sided. I often giggle to myself, "are they aware that you have three baby mommas?" I was able to giggle through it because I was lying to myself, telling myself that you are devoted to me. That is why I am wearing a wedding ring, is it not? I took a hit to my face the day I found out that the chase wasn't so one-sided after all, a hit to my face that destroyed my own personal view of myself. I now question why you would ever get married if I am not enough for you, if I am not the one that you want to spend forever with, if you aren't in love with me?

Maybe you were in love with me, once upon a time, and that love faded. You could've just told me. We could've discussed whatever issue there was and either worked through it or endured our divorce. Upon our divorce, you could've been free to do as you please, to do who you please. Yet, now you say that I am all you want, that you just cannot go on without me. How could this be so? If this were the truth, how could you not have just been faithful? So many women before me have told me that you are good at getting what you want, that you aren't one to be tied down, and that you're simply a pathological liar who is incapable of change. You aren't incapable of change, I don't believe that, as you could change IF you truly wanted to. I thought that I had made you want to change. I knew who you were before you met me, even though you love to say that I don't. I had just believed that you ceased those "old ways" for me. Oh, how naive I have become. I just desperately wanted that to be true.

On our wedding day, I promised you that I would love you through both the good and the bad. Is this what they mean by "the bad?" I had taken it to mean during your financial struggles, during your court battles with your exes for your children, carrying you through school for you to fulfill your career dreams. Now I understand that these things aren't "the bad," at all. Rather, those are the good. I feel as if I almost made a promise to you that I would love you through your infidelities and your lies. I promised to trust you, but you destroyed that trust, so why do I feel as if I am the one who broke our vows? What did you promise me? I couldn't find a statement in the traditional wedding vows that makes the promise that one will not lie to their spouse, will not cheat on their spouse, and will not emotionally destroy their spouse. I guess that many believe such promises to be a "given," but obviously they aren't so obvious for many.

I don't mean to bash you, as I love you. And you are a wonderful husband, when you want to be. I am torn between believing that this is habitual for you and that people fuck up, it's life. Deep down, I believe that it is simply habitual for you, that no further explanation is necessary, that you crave the attention and always will. I believe this no matter how badly I desperately wish to believe that you made a mistake, or two. I wish to believe this so dearly, I am on a search for "clues" that the latter is the case. I watch everything that you do, hear everything that you say, study every facial expression that you make in my desperate attempt to find hint of a deep-set love for me. I am torturing myself.

I want you to know what you've done to me, for you to fully understand the true extent of the damage that you caused. I also want you to know that I forgive you, and that I take my promise seriously.

Let's jump back to the day that we met for the first time. I was nervous, more nervous that you could imagine, but I was also sincerely excited beyond explanation. We had talked for weeks before meeting for the first time. I talked to you every day, all day, about anything and everything. I never got tired of talking to you. I remember hearing your voice for the very first time, and I was infatuated. I know that you don't know this about me, but I am obsessed with one's voice. Maybe it's because of my craving for the perfect song, the perfect voice matched with the perfect lyrics to get me through my dark times, but the sound of one's voice is enough to mesmerize me. I've adored many voices in my past, but your voice put me in a trance, almost. I remember that you were talking about eating what you called a "mcgangbang," two McDonald's hamburgers combined to make one monster burger. Jumping forward a bit, I almost ruined our relationship before it even began by being late to our first date, if you can even call it a date seeing that your friend came along. Nonetheless, I don't remember much of when I had first pulled up or those first few moments. What I do remember was you looked back at me in the front seat, and you smiled at me. That was it, the lust and desire that I had for you cannot be put into words.

I knew at that moment that I wanted you, and only you. According to you, you didn't make this decision until much later, but mine was almost instantaneous. I'm sure many believe this to be "crazy" or "impossible." They say that you cannot fall in love with someone so quickly, but rather must spend months, or even years, with the person before you can make the decision to fall in love. That's what falling in love is, a decision rather than a feeling, isn't it? I don't have the answer. I don't believe that anyone truly has that answer. We all just form opinions based on our own personal experiences. I just know that's what I felt that night. I had never felt it before. I thought I had hit it "lucky." I felt even more so lucky when you told me that you had fallen in love with me weeks later. I wasn't so lucky after all, but rather you enjoyed the "chase." I didn't jump your bones that night, so you wanted to see what I was all about. You wanted to claim your rights to me. I guess I cannot judge you there too much, as I also wanted to claim my rights to you. I take it that our views of such rights differ.

I feel that I don't have any rights to you, as if I've been robbed of you. You love to exclaim that I am yours, that you cannot fathom the thought of me being with anyone else. Well, I feel the same, except I am consumed with such thoughts. You don't understand my pain. You don't know what pain is until the love is your life is proclaiming their love for you, and rather than enjoying the moment, you're left to question every word. I want you to understand this pain, but for some twisted reason, I can't do it. I can't bring myself to make the conscious decision to cause you any unnecessary harm. Your happiness has been made priority over my own. It's always been this way, that's what love is, after all, right? Your spouse's happiness is placed before your own, and your spouse, in return, places your happiness above their own. We can't both prioritize your happiness. Where does that leave me?