I Solemnly Swear!
Non-Reciprocal Relationships... Never Again!
Last night I made a promise to myself that I really hope to keep, for my own good.
The promise was that I will never again be bothered with someone that I have to “chase,” and that under no circumstances will ever go after someone who doesn't seem to be interested in me as much as I am interested in him.
It is very soul wearing, constantly trying to capture someone's attention, or to try to make him take initiative for once, for example, be the first one who sends you a simple text, be the first one who makes a romantic gesture or a more intimate and erotic one, be the first one who suggests to go out, order food or even watch a film and so on. Why waste time using tricks after all? Tricks that their sole purpose is to “force” someone to seem as if you mean something to them and that you are a priority... when you are clearly, not! And all this, just so you can actually trick yourself into believing that these are the other person's actions and not your doing. In the end, you end up spending your entire day thinking (or more accurately, overthinking) and worrying while creating imaginary scenarios in your head. Mentally looping around inner monologues and miserable thoughts.
“Does he really like me? Am I important to him? Why didn't he text me first even though my last text was a question last night? Did I do something to upset him? Did I do something that turned him off? Does he like having sex with me or is he pretending to avoid hurting my feelings? How am I going to make him show more affection? How am I going to make him say something nice to me? How am I going to “lure” him into advancing first towards me for some intimate moments without feeling that I am always forcing him to go to bed with me or at least touch me... again? HOW AM I GOING TO TRICK MYSELF TO FEEL THAT I MATTER TO HIM?”
Just worrying and stressing around these thoughts without being able to do anything with your time, do some work, be productive, do something nice for yourself... without even being able to enjoy the moment and be happy about your day. None deserve this.
I have been tired of always being the one who is chasing after non-reciprocal situations. It feels like a never-ending treasure hunt but with the downside that it is never exciting, never rewarding, and the experiences of the hunt, oh, they just never turn out to be good memories that are worth keeping. It also feels like a never-ending job interview in which the potential employer asks you to do tasks on trial shifts again and again and again, without paying you, and at the end of every day when you expect to hear, “Congratulations, you are hired!” all you ever hear is “We will call you back.”
There is absolutely no chance I will settle with someone, not until I manage to find, or perhaps to be found by that “special one.” The special one who (for once in my life) will be interested in me as much as I am interested in him (or a bit more), who will be putting the same effort into showing his interest, just like I do. And most importantly, find the one who will eliminate this inner monologue paranoia. The one who won't make me feel as if I am always “less”, the one whose actions will reassure me that I am being cared for, I am liked, I am a priority, I am loved, I matter. For once, I want things to be truly mutual.
It is time for a new start, with a different attitude towards life.
All these gave me the idea last night to start sharing my thoughts with others. I am sure that there are many people that have been and are currently going through similar situations, people who perhaps think that they are alone in this and that none understand them. For years I keep my personal diaries/journals, so I thought what better way to share all my thoughts and experiences than actually transcribing again entries of my diaries? Providing others the raw text I was writing every time during these events and not a “curated” afterthought based on vague and false memories, but the actual feelings, thoughts, and situations as they have been recorded on paper at the time. Starting from my first diary and also the diaries I keep in the present.
I hope that this will make you understand that, you are NOT alone!
P.s. Due to some of the content being a bit “too intimate” (if you know what I mean) some of the entries will be on “FILTHY” so make sure that you keep an eye in both, just in case ;)
About the Creator
Adam Hardy
A Desolate Romantic.
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