I Think I Lost My Best Friend

In life, we are constantly evolving. From one event and emotional disruption to the next, we are ever changing. A week ago, I had this wonderful plan to write this fantastic article about friendship. I was going to showcase my friendship with this woman I have known since we were freshmen in high school. I was going to talk about all these funny stories about our friendship and use these stories to explain what I believe true friendship means. Today, I find myself asking the same questions from an entirely different perspective. I also find myself asking a question whose answer has the potential to alter my writing career forever. How honest should I be here? How much should I divulge to you, my reader? I see you as a friend. I tell you these stories in hopes they will stir emotion, elicit passion, and maybe even bring you some enlightenment. How can I do that if I don’t tell you everything? So, here it goes.

I was going to write this incredible article. I was so pumped about it, too. It was going to be light and fun but really teach you something. I was going to tell the whole world about my best friend and how we have made it through so much. Then, something changed yesterday. Let me first explain that, like so many others, I am fucking broke. I have no money, guys. We pay our bills and we have food but we don’t do frills around here. Due to our financial situation, gas is a limited and very important resource. I am sure many of you are nodding your heads like, “fuck yea, bitch. I feel ya.” Well, I had been giving my friend rides to work about 5 days a week and also drove her to get lunch or a pop on her lunch break on those days. If she bought herself lunch, she bought me lunch too. Because of this, I never asked her for gas unless the car was just not going any further without it. It was the best I could do.

Yesterday, was one of those occasions where my wife, Nikki, still needed to get to work all week but we were almost empty. My friend had told me about gas money she was getting from another source who had offered to help out since they were aware of the situation. When my friend told me that we wouldn’t get any gas money, I will admit, I was upset. Nikki voiced to me that she felt taken advantage of and I told my friend that. The moment that was said, things escalated out of proportion. Normally, this wouldn’t even be a big deal to me. People argue. It happens. The part that stopped me in my tracks and made me rethink everything was when she called me selfish because when I reach out to her during an anxiety attack for support, she feels she can’t talk about herself because it is all about me. Please understand that I am not this petty individual. I do not care that she called me selfish. That statement showed me that didn’t understand.

Anyone with mental health issues knows how hard it is to reach out for help. I would like to highlight that statement. Reaching out for help. I reach out for help and she is bothered that the conversation is focused on me. This hurt my feelings. And it honestly made me feel like she and I are on totally different emotional levels. This led me right back around to the original question. What is true friendship? I believe a friend is someone you can be truly honest with and that is truly honest with you. A friend doesn’t judge you in your time of crisis. Friends don’t tear each other down. They build each other up. I know, it's so fucking cheesy. It's true, though. A friend shouldn’t make you feel like you can’t reach out. I try to be the friend that listens and is willing to give honest advice. I try to be accepting, understanding, and non-judgmental. This is what I would like in return. I am sad to say it but I do not feel this long-time friend of mine is in an emotional place to provide this kind of thing in the capacity I am needing. It breaks my heart to admit this, but I think we are just two totally different people now.

In life, I am focused on building a future for my family. I am concerned with things like bills and when the next season of Game of Thrones comes out. My life revolves around my son and my wife, writing, appointments, playtime. These are not the kinds of things this old friend of mine is focused on. And that is ok. I am sure she is going to read this at some point so I want to make this clear. It is okay that we are living at different speeds. Each one of us has a different journey. We have an obligation unto ourselves to remain true to our needs. I need peace in my life. I need things to calm down. There is nothing wrong with this. I am allowed to work on my own needs. I think we often forget this. Sometimes we get so focused on dealing with everyone else’s needs that we ignore our own. So, before I leave you to continue your day, I urge to take a moment and think about where you are at. How are you doing? How are you really doing? What do you need right now?