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I Think She Broke Me

Fuck love.

By David ClimoPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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I love pop culture. Back to the Future especially. And do you want to know which Back to the Future character I relate to the most? Einstein, Doc’s dog. I’ve always found I had some profound and transcendent connection with that dog. He is the first living object to travel into the future, then hops out as if nothing happened, completely oblivious to the world-changing science that has just transpired around him. That is exactly me. Our entire relationship I was utterly ignorant to the underlying metaphor. Ignorant to the inevitable failure that comes from an unbalanced relationship. It wasn’t until it was all over that I could truly comprehend what had just happened. Yes, believe it or not, this is a story of love. More accurately, lack thereof.

I travelled to China recently and was made privy an ancient Chinese philosophy called Yuan Fen. Yuan Fen roughly translates into “a fate or chance that brings two people together.” I’ve never really believed in destiny, soul mates, or any of that Shakespearian crap. But when you have a connection with someone the way I did, it gets you asking questions.

You think she ever thinks about me? You ever think we reminisce over the same memories simultaneously? You every think she loved me? I’m completely perplexed. I’ve always said we can’t truly define love, because we would first have to understand it and that’s impossible. The best definition of love I have ever heard came from an Instagram post. Captioned “love is socially acceptable self-harm.”

I have never met the curator of this quote, nor will I likely ever. But it is deeply comforting knowing someone out there experienced love the same way I did. With immense pain.

In an effort to dispel any misinterpretations, I am not anti-love. I am anti-her. I am anti all the lies she told me. All the hope she gave me. All the pain she caused me.

It was recently my birthday. And as I should I received gifts from my loved ones, friends and family alike. All were very thoughtful and filled with good intentions. But that which I cherished the most is a text message. More specifically a text message from her. It was such a simple and kind message that had such a profound effect on me. It let me know that she still thinks of me. That I occupy at least a small part of her mind no matter obligatory or unwanted. I find solace in the fact that I am still a memory to her. We had a brief conversation, in which I sent the last text. I was not expecting a response after our formalities had concluded, but I was still shattered I didn't get one. I want an answer.

And if you are looking for an answer on how to love successfully, you won't find it here. I myself am still looking. And will make a note to let you know when the time comes. It will be an odd feeling. One to rejoice over. I am eager to experience it in all its over-hyped glory.

They say you find your soulmate before you turn 21. I've got 5 years left on that clock. Maybe she's already here and I haven't noticed. Maybe she will never come. Like most things, time will provide an answer.

I may be unqualified to speak on love, being that I am inexperienced in that regard and there is no point behind this post, other than to transfer my emotions from heart to pen. I concocted it out of boredom and anguish in my history and class and forgot about it until now.

In the off chance that there is someone reading this that has known the pain love brings. I hope this short message can let you know that you are not alone.

"It's hard being a lover, in an age of cynics."-DC
breakups
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About the Creator

David Climo

Loneliness is the greatest of motivators...

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