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I Thought You Were Different

Thank You

Manipulating. How manipulating you are. You pull on every side of me and show me that I am not worth the time of anyone, but feed me words to make me feel whole for a second. I feed off of every ounce of you, every "I love you" that falls off your lips. I have never felt a more empty feeling than I do with you. You make me feel bad for breathing wrong, for breathing in a direction that isn’t yours. You make me feel bad for my anxiety, like I am somebody who is so mentally sick that I need medicine to "fix me." You laugh at me for my anxiety, you laugh at me when I get upset, like my feelings don’t even matter right? You say to me, "You only see your side," but how? How do I only see my side when yours is the only one you will allow me to see? You tell me you won’t say, "I love you," because I didn’t say it when you yelled it to me in the middle of my sentence. 

Heartbreaking. How heartbreaking it is to put myself through the same thing I went through a year ago and for you to know how it made me feel, but put me through it anyways. You know more about me than I know of myself, I found a home in you. I spent a year finding myself and you come in and take it all away from me and you believe it is fine? You truly believe you are doing nothing wrong? I’m in the wrong though, with everything I do. Exhausting. You are exhausting. Loving you is so exhausting. I am miserable in the box you built for me, in the box that always seems a bit too small. You built this image in your mind of who you wanted me to be. You failed to realize I will not change in the ways you want me to because I refuse to hate myself because of you. Lust. Pure lust. You tell me that sex is a way of showing your love. You don’t even call it sex, you simply call it making love. You tell me that sex is the main form of love that we share and you fail to see a problem in the lust we’ve created. Love. You love the idea of me loving you, you don’t love me. I have come into your life as an outsider, a new human being that you knew nothing about. You fell for somewhere you’ve never even been. You hate that I am independent, you hate as though my body is a temple and I know it is. You hate that I know my worth and it drives you crazy that I bring you to your news. But I am a woman and with that power I will bring every man to their knees until I find the right one. You believe I am supposed to be with you, like you criticizing me makes me want to stay. I am not scared of being alone, I am better off that way. Don’t get to comfortable with a girl like me because I will stand up and leave. 

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